1. The Long and winding road (Let it be naked version)
2. Helter Skelter
3. Got to get you into my life
4. Let it be
5. Hey Jude
6. Hello, Goodbye
7. I will
8. She’s leaving home
9. Back in the USSR
10. I’m down
Some solo/Wings tracks I like-
Maybe I’m amazed
London town
With a little luck
Shout out also to ‘Step inside love’
Monday, 5 April 2010
18. June 1942 (to Jim and Mary McCartney of Liverpool)- it’s a Mac attack
While George always has and always will be my favourite Beatle, have I to doff my cap to Paul. If for no other reason than he is seriously under-rated. Paul has an image as a cuddly inoffensive figure since the 1970’s. John Lennon’s tragic and appalling early death, his obvious interest in the avant-garde (as witnessed in his marriage to Yoko Ono) and his political activity have mean that he has always been seen as more credible. However over the last few years there has been a long overdue reassessment of McCartney’s contribution to popular culture (the loss of his beloved Linda and breakdown of his second marriage must help).
McCartney stayed in London throughout the Sixties while the other Beatles settled in the commuter belt. This enabled him to keep in contact with what was going on artistically. He had an interest in electronic music going back to 1965, creating the legendary lost track ‘Carnival of light’ which he recorded almost 18 months before John recorded ‘revolution’.
It is telling to compare the way John and Paul expressed their grief at their loss of their mother’s in their teenage years. John’s songs ‘Julia’ ‘Mother’ and ‘my Mummy’s dead’ are highly personal and particular to his experience of losing his mother Julia. They are also emotionally raw. Paul’s ‘Let it be’ imagines his dead mother Mary comforting him during the break-up of the Beatles. In doing so he wrote something which becomes a song which speaks more universally and become a song which has brought comfort to many.
It is also noticeable that McCartney compositions tend to be considerably more popular with Soul artists than Lennon’s. Among the tremendous soul versions of McCartney’s songs I particularly like are ‘Yesterday’ by Marvin Gaye and also the Impressions, ‘Hey Jude’ by Wilson Picket, ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin (amongst hundreds of soul versions of his songs). (Indeed McCartney is much respected by the other members of the June42 club to the point that Brian Wilson and Gilberto Gil both covered different songs of his from Sgt. Pepper ‘She’s leaving home’ and ‘when I’m 64’ in their recent concerts)
McCartney also has also in the last few years been very consciously keeping up to date with what is going on in popular music. He appeared on Super Furry Animals track ‘Receptacle for the respectable’ crunching vegetables in a tribute to his doing the same thing for Brian Wilson in 1967. He also created a dance act ‘Fireman’.
McCartney took stewardship of the Beatles in the difficult period after Brian Epstein’s death. He was also generous in writing and producing other acts.
Kudos to McCartney for releasing a genuinely politically contentious song ‘Give Ireland back to the Irish’ in 1972. This was banned by the BBC. Kudos also for releasing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ as a pointed response to the controversy surrounding this song.
I also have to say that ‘ let me roll it’ his generous response to John Lennon’s ‘How do you sleep’ stands enormously in his favour.
All in all Sir Macca we salute you. And you were right about the 'Let it be' album. Have to admire that you were so bothered, you got the original released 34 years on.
McCartney stayed in London throughout the Sixties while the other Beatles settled in the commuter belt. This enabled him to keep in contact with what was going on artistically. He had an interest in electronic music going back to 1965, creating the legendary lost track ‘Carnival of light’ which he recorded almost 18 months before John recorded ‘revolution’.
It is telling to compare the way John and Paul expressed their grief at their loss of their mother’s in their teenage years. John’s songs ‘Julia’ ‘Mother’ and ‘my Mummy’s dead’ are highly personal and particular to his experience of losing his mother Julia. They are also emotionally raw. Paul’s ‘Let it be’ imagines his dead mother Mary comforting him during the break-up of the Beatles. In doing so he wrote something which becomes a song which speaks more universally and become a song which has brought comfort to many.
It is also noticeable that McCartney compositions tend to be considerably more popular with Soul artists than Lennon’s. Among the tremendous soul versions of McCartney’s songs I particularly like are ‘Yesterday’ by Marvin Gaye and also the Impressions, ‘Hey Jude’ by Wilson Picket, ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin (amongst hundreds of soul versions of his songs). (Indeed McCartney is much respected by the other members of the June42 club to the point that Brian Wilson and Gilberto Gil both covered different songs of his from Sgt. Pepper ‘She’s leaving home’ and ‘when I’m 64’ in their recent concerts)
McCartney also has also in the last few years been very consciously keeping up to date with what is going on in popular music. He appeared on Super Furry Animals track ‘Receptacle for the respectable’ crunching vegetables in a tribute to his doing the same thing for Brian Wilson in 1967. He also created a dance act ‘Fireman’.
McCartney took stewardship of the Beatles in the difficult period after Brian Epstein’s death. He was also generous in writing and producing other acts.
Kudos to McCartney for releasing a genuinely politically contentious song ‘Give Ireland back to the Irish’ in 1972. This was banned by the BBC. Kudos also for releasing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ as a pointed response to the controversy surrounding this song.
I also have to say that ‘ let me roll it’ his generous response to John Lennon’s ‘How do you sleep’ stands enormously in his favour.
All in all Sir Macca we salute you. And you were right about the 'Let it be' album. Have to admire that you were so bothered, you got the original released 34 years on.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
17: Conversations with Lucy
I have referred in an earlier post to my friendship with Lucy. I will go further into how we became reacquainted in a later post but want to share a few thought about our friendship here.
Lucy and I were born within a year of each other to young parents. Both our families are Catholic with strong ties to Ireland. We have some strong women for our aunts. We have younger brothers with families. We both have been close to our Grandmothers.
Lucy often says to me that I get things that others do not. We have both struggled to feel taken seriously by older members of our families (usually the generation above). Often it is female relatives (usually aunts!) who can be an issue. We often feel as though our achievements and ability to live our lives independently count for little. We know that our families do not mean to do this but are often unaware that they are patronizing us and do not realize how much we have dealt with in our lives and what we are capable of. This is not to say that we do not love our families.
We have both struggled to be taken seriously in the work place, despite how we apply ourselves and our best efforts to achieve results.
Lucy travelled around the USA and Canada by herself for three months about a decade ago. She has run her own household since she returned. She also runs a local TS support group, which believe me requires considerable organizational skills! She took a large role in looking after a family member who was ill over a three year period (part of which involved taking them to many hospital appointments).
I have a masters in librarianship, a mortgage and a pension yet am treated as though I am little more than a teenager.
Lucy has a very unselfish and accepting nature and always manages to make us feel good when we are with her. She enriches our lives with her generous spirit.
There is unfortunately ‘Little women, little minds’ syndrome which many women with TS have to deal with. Women with TS also are often more accommodating and less complaining than most people. We have so much to offer and I am so glad that I have Lucy and other women with TS as good friends. It is often what you do not have to say or explain that is important.
Lucy and I were born within a year of each other to young parents. Both our families are Catholic with strong ties to Ireland. We have some strong women for our aunts. We have younger brothers with families. We both have been close to our Grandmothers.
Lucy often says to me that I get things that others do not. We have both struggled to feel taken seriously by older members of our families (usually the generation above). Often it is female relatives (usually aunts!) who can be an issue. We often feel as though our achievements and ability to live our lives independently count for little. We know that our families do not mean to do this but are often unaware that they are patronizing us and do not realize how much we have dealt with in our lives and what we are capable of. This is not to say that we do not love our families.
We have both struggled to be taken seriously in the work place, despite how we apply ourselves and our best efforts to achieve results.
Lucy travelled around the USA and Canada by herself for three months about a decade ago. She has run her own household since she returned. She also runs a local TS support group, which believe me requires considerable organizational skills! She took a large role in looking after a family member who was ill over a three year period (part of which involved taking them to many hospital appointments).
I have a masters in librarianship, a mortgage and a pension yet am treated as though I am little more than a teenager.
Lucy has a very unselfish and accepting nature and always manages to make us feel good when we are with her. She enriches our lives with her generous spirit.
There is unfortunately ‘Little women, little minds’ syndrome which many women with TS have to deal with. Women with TS also are often more accommodating and less complaining than most people. We have so much to offer and I am so glad that I have Lucy and other women with TS as good friends. It is often what you do not have to say or explain that is important.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
16: Ain’t no place like Motown…
Julien Temple: Requiem for Detroit /Michael Moore: Capitalism a love story
I recently saw the above two films. There were some interesting comparisons between them.
Julien Temple's film both tells the story of the automobile industry in Detroit and the effect that its decline has had on the city. He talks to local figures including Martha Reeves and John Sinclair about their memories of the city and what they feel about its current situation.
Temple's footage shows a ghostly city whose main industrial buildings and communities are deserted and run down.
The film argues that Detroit has suffered as a result of the short sighted profiteering of those who ran the 'Big three' car companies. They pushed automatic obsolescence and larger more fuel inefficient models such as SUVs, rather than develop new technology. While this lead to boom times during the 1910’s-1920’s and after World War Two over the long term it has meant that the ‘Big Three’ have suffered in last few years as people look for more fuel efficient cars.
The film also explores how the development of post war communities in the suburbs further added to Detroit’s decline and undermined what limited social cohesion there was. The city also has had serious racial divisions, which finally erupted into the major riots of 1967 (which arguably the city has never recovered from).
Temple, who has made documentaries about the Sex Pistols and Clash makes regular references to Detroit’s rich musical history which includes John Lee Hooker, Iggy pop and Eminen as well as Motown.
The footage of the derelict spaces in Detroit is truly astonishing. As one commentator says nature is beginning to reclaim the city. Nature seems to be avenging itself on the city which did most to perpetuate the culture of the car which has had such disastrous consequences for the environment.
There are signs of regeneration in Detroit. However this has happened more as a result of local community activism than any government or business actions. In particular Detroit is at the forefront of the ‘Urban agriculture’ movement which has been lead by elderly Detroiters who originally came from the deep south. Ironically Detroit may now offer a vision of a more environmentally sustainable city.
Anyone who has followed Michael Moore's career will be familiar with the devastation on the closure of the GM plant has had on his home city of Flint, about 70 miles from Detroit.
Moore’s latest film is an exploration of the effects that lassiez-faire capitalism on the USA over the last thirty years. He explores how average American’s have been pushed into debt and poverty as their terms of employment and pay have been reduced, as the power of financial institutions and corporations have increased.
Moore explores the low pay of airline pilots and something called ‘dead peasant’ policies by which corporations are able to take out large insurance policies on their employees.
Moore also discusses the bank bail-out showing how the banks managed to exploit the situation to get a massive government handout.
Moore finishes his film on a positive note, showing Americans taking non-violent peaceful action to reclaim their homes and workplaces and working together.
Moore is obviously still very passionate and funny about the inequalities in US society. However as he says at the end he is tired of doing this and hopes others will take up the cause. Being made a hate figure to the US right has obviously affected him. I hope he will continue to makes films as he still has a considerable amount to say and has been proved right over the long term (compare Requiem for Detroit to his film ‘Roger and Me’ about the effect that GM’ closure of its Flint plant). He reflects on the irony that Flint temporarily was used as a base for banks to send out repossession notices.
Moore also interestingly defends the left wing Roman Catholic clergy of his native Michigan
Both films refer to the Flint strike of 1936-1937 and use the music of Iggy Pop to express the rage of the working American. Both films celebrate the survival of the human spirit and community in the face of an uncaring system. That has to be a good thing.
I recently saw the above two films. There were some interesting comparisons between them.
Julien Temple's film both tells the story of the automobile industry in Detroit and the effect that its decline has had on the city. He talks to local figures including Martha Reeves and John Sinclair about their memories of the city and what they feel about its current situation.
Temple's footage shows a ghostly city whose main industrial buildings and communities are deserted and run down.
The film argues that Detroit has suffered as a result of the short sighted profiteering of those who ran the 'Big three' car companies. They pushed automatic obsolescence and larger more fuel inefficient models such as SUVs, rather than develop new technology. While this lead to boom times during the 1910’s-1920’s and after World War Two over the long term it has meant that the ‘Big Three’ have suffered in last few years as people look for more fuel efficient cars.
The film also explores how the development of post war communities in the suburbs further added to Detroit’s decline and undermined what limited social cohesion there was. The city also has had serious racial divisions, which finally erupted into the major riots of 1967 (which arguably the city has never recovered from).
Temple, who has made documentaries about the Sex Pistols and Clash makes regular references to Detroit’s rich musical history which includes John Lee Hooker, Iggy pop and Eminen as well as Motown.
The footage of the derelict spaces in Detroit is truly astonishing. As one commentator says nature is beginning to reclaim the city. Nature seems to be avenging itself on the city which did most to perpetuate the culture of the car which has had such disastrous consequences for the environment.
There are signs of regeneration in Detroit. However this has happened more as a result of local community activism than any government or business actions. In particular Detroit is at the forefront of the ‘Urban agriculture’ movement which has been lead by elderly Detroiters who originally came from the deep south. Ironically Detroit may now offer a vision of a more environmentally sustainable city.
Anyone who has followed Michael Moore's career will be familiar with the devastation on the closure of the GM plant has had on his home city of Flint, about 70 miles from Detroit.
Moore’s latest film is an exploration of the effects that lassiez-faire capitalism on the USA over the last thirty years. He explores how average American’s have been pushed into debt and poverty as their terms of employment and pay have been reduced, as the power of financial institutions and corporations have increased.
Moore explores the low pay of airline pilots and something called ‘dead peasant’ policies by which corporations are able to take out large insurance policies on their employees.
Moore also discusses the bank bail-out showing how the banks managed to exploit the situation to get a massive government handout.
Moore finishes his film on a positive note, showing Americans taking non-violent peaceful action to reclaim their homes and workplaces and working together.
Moore is obviously still very passionate and funny about the inequalities in US society. However as he says at the end he is tired of doing this and hopes others will take up the cause. Being made a hate figure to the US right has obviously affected him. I hope he will continue to makes films as he still has a considerable amount to say and has been proved right over the long term (compare Requiem for Detroit to his film ‘Roger and Me’ about the effect that GM’ closure of its Flint plant). He reflects on the irony that Flint temporarily was used as a base for banks to send out repossession notices.
Moore also interestingly defends the left wing Roman Catholic clergy of his native Michigan
Both films refer to the Flint strike of 1936-1937 and use the music of Iggy Pop to express the rage of the working American. Both films celebrate the survival of the human spirit and community in the face of an uncaring system. That has to be a good thing.
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
15: Gabriel- reflecting on
I spend the rest of Pentecost Sunday at home crying and screaming. I send a couple of angry emails and there were some difficult phone conversations. I was very hurt and angry
That entire summer I was deeply depressed to the point where I did not want to go out the door at times.
There were three difficult meetings in the year following our break up. Two were by chance.
Ultimately it was my Grandmother’s final illness and death that helped me heal. I realized she was a far more important person to me and that someone really truly loved me and that love would remain with me all my life.
I tried a year ago to get Gabriel to understand I was trying to forgive him but that he had caused me a lot of damage. He has completely destroyed me faith both in a higher power and in other people.
I have seen Gabriel in the distance a couple of times in the last two years as he works near me at a place I go to see exhibitions. The last time, in June just gone, I think he saw me- he would have seen my discomfort.
I saw a counsellor four times that summer and last year I went to see two counsellors. I still get deeply depressed about the situation
I would like to say I took something positive from the time Gabriel was in my life. I would like to say I understand why he behaved the way he did and can accept it. But I don’t. It has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. It has made me examine the difficult relationships I have with the men in my life such as my father. I see that there was a great deal lacking in these relationships and that I am not respected or valued as much as I should be. I am loved but taken for granted.
It took a lot for me to let Gabriel into my heart and soul and he was unable to treat either with respect or value. I have lost my faith in a higher power. I have lost a certain amount of faith in the love of others. Thankfully I do know deep down I am loved and valued.
That entire summer I was deeply depressed to the point where I did not want to go out the door at times.
There were three difficult meetings in the year following our break up. Two were by chance.
Ultimately it was my Grandmother’s final illness and death that helped me heal. I realized she was a far more important person to me and that someone really truly loved me and that love would remain with me all my life.
I tried a year ago to get Gabriel to understand I was trying to forgive him but that he had caused me a lot of damage. He has completely destroyed me faith both in a higher power and in other people.
I have seen Gabriel in the distance a couple of times in the last two years as he works near me at a place I go to see exhibitions. The last time, in June just gone, I think he saw me- he would have seen my discomfort.
I saw a counsellor four times that summer and last year I went to see two counsellors. I still get deeply depressed about the situation
I would like to say I took something positive from the time Gabriel was in my life. I would like to say I understand why he behaved the way he did and can accept it. But I don’t. It has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. It has made me examine the difficult relationships I have with the men in my life such as my father. I see that there was a great deal lacking in these relationships and that I am not respected or valued as much as I should be. I am loved but taken for granted.
It took a lot for me to let Gabriel into my heart and soul and he was unable to treat either with respect or value. I have lost my faith in a higher power. I have lost a certain amount of faith in the love of others. Thankfully I do know deep down I am loved and valued.
Monday, 29 March 2010
14: Gabriel (he ain't no angel)- pt.1
As I said below I have not had a sexual relationship. However I have had something akin to a romantic relationship four years ago when I was 33.
I met Gabriel in a library where a good friend works. One of my sisters had recently married and I had a feeling an important person was about to come into my life.
I met Gabriel in a library that a good friend works in one October evening in 2005. I was immediately attracted to him and send him a note (after debating with myself all weekend while visiting my aunts). My friend said he was shy and checked to see if he was single. One of my colleagues knew him and said he was sweet.
After a month we arranged to go for coffee. We agreed to meet again in a fortnight and I chatted with him for three hours. We ended up in a pub near High Holborn. It was a magical evening for me.
I found out that we had gone to the same university and both studied history. We had also done our masters at the same university- I had studied Librarianship, he had studied Archives. He was also the eldest in his family.
We met a couple of other times before Christmas (he invited me to see a film at Amnesty International and a carol concert where he worked). I found a cheap copy of a DVD of the film we saw together and gave it to him. He didn’t think to get me anything and I knew that this was probably not going to work out. I had a miserable Christmas and got very upset with my brother who I have a difficult relationship with. But Gabriel sent some nice emails about the DVD.
We met up in the new year and I asked him if he wanted to meet up once a week- he agreed). We went to a Persian exhibition one Sunday at the British Museum and went for a curry afterwards.
Gabriel is very religious and his church is an important part of his life. He would often want to discuss theology and religious matter when we met and often talked about his church. We both enjoyed going to talks, particularly on theological subjects. I thought I had found someone I had a spiritual bond with.
I was very happy to have Gabriel in my life. But I wanted to tell him about my TS. It is an important part of who I am and of my life. It was very nerve wracking to know when exactly was the right point to do it. I did not want to scare him off by getting too serious. I even got advice from my colleague who knew him (which meant telling her about my TS) and my friends with TS. One Sunday in early 2006. I went to his church and afterwards we went for a coffee and I told. He was very sweet and asked if there was anything he could do.
A couple of weeks later I invited him over to my flat for lunch. He kept waiting before setting off from his church I nervously prepared some pasta (which I tried out the previous day on my friends). He seemed to enjoy the meal. It was going to be Valentine’s Day that week so I snuck a card into his bag.
A couple of days later on Valentine’s Day, Gabriel came by my work. I will never forget seeing him at the bottom of the stairs after I had a meeting with my line manager. He had a puppyish look on his face and I threw my arms around him (one of the Library readers observed us!) After chatting he passed me the only Valentine’s card I have ever received. I treasured it.
In early March Gabriel had a birthday and I got him a couple of books and a card. I managed to spend some time with him and went to a meal at his church. I had a bad headache so went home. I often get run down and sent Gabriel an email explaining this but also telling him he was important to me and I wanted to spend time with him. His response was to tell me he found the email moving.
I had told my mum about Gabriel at Christmas. She was keen to meet him. So I agreed to bring him over on Mother’s day. I went to his church and gave him some chocolate and postcards I had got him on my trip to Bristol. We travelled over together to my parents. My beloved Grandmother was also there. The meal was a great success.
I continued to attend Gabriel’s church and we would also meet up during the week. Very little happened between us physically. Gabriel initiated a couple of hugs early on. I have to admit that I am shy about these matters and did not know what to do next when Gabriel hugged me. I desired him so much and wanted to hold him. But I noticed him looking sheepish when we went to a talk about Christian attitudes to sex. We also had limited time together alone. I was also tending to agree to do what Gabriel wanted. He did not show much interest in my friends the same way I took an interest in his.
I went to the Easter service at Gabriel’s church. He kissed me on the lips after the service. I gave him some chocolate eggs. I still get upset when I see Easter eggs in Marks and Spenser’s as I think of him. Gabriel did not want to come to Easter lunch at my parents (in the end this turned out for the best as it did not go well!)
In mid-April Gabriel and I went to a talk which a colleague’s brother gave at the Museum of London. I later heard this colleague thought we looked good together. This comforts me but also fills me with such pain at what could have been and what Gabriel still refuses to acknowledge.That evening when we were alone Gabriel put his arm around me when we were looking at the John Wesley monument. It was a thrilling, sweet moment and I wish that I had acted more on it.
That weekend I went on a long overdue and emotional trip to Dublin where I spend part of my childhood. Gabriel’s contract with his work was soon to come to an end and he had an interview while I was away. We exchanged texts. I carried Gabriel around in my heart while in Dublin and every moment I spent there was touched by the knowledge he was part of my life (I still carry these feelings round when I visit Dublin and to a certain extent Bristol).
We met up that Friday and I gave him some chocolate and a book. I told him I planned to try and get my own place. He said he was happy to drift. I have always had a feeling that from this point onwards things began to go wrong between us.
From this point onwards Gabriel became less and less keen to spend any time alone. I only usually saw him with his friends. He did not seem bothered by this. I told him I loved him – even if it was when I left him. I tried not to put any pressure on him but could not deny my feelings for him.
After a month I got tired of this. After church, while he and his friends were having a drink a female friend tried hitting on him and he did nothing about it. I was deeply hurt. When I got home I sent Gabriel an email saying it would be good to spend some time alone together and to clarify what was going on between us.. He did not bother to acknowledge my email. I eventually got in contact with him two days later and he came to my work. He still did not acknowledge my email and I had to raise it. He then asked to use my work computer to do a job application.
That Sunday we went to a café and he was only interested in discussing a prayer group at his church. I broke down and told him he was important to me and he held my hand for 20 minutes. I then had to go to work (it was the one Sunday of the year I had to work).
We met up again where he lived that Tuesday. We did not discuss our situation. That night he called up to ask me to tape something off digital TV for him which I did. He called me after to discuss programme. On Saturday he called to discuss the meal at his church the following day. I asked him to clarify what was going on between us and he said he would discuss with me the next day.
In Pentecost Sunday 2006 I went to Gabriels’ church. When he turned up he went to sit elsewhere but when I looked at him he gave a resigned look and sat with me.
When we went up to get our meals I tried to touch him and he brushed me away. I burst out crying in front of all the people in his church and he hugged me and said we would talk later.
We went for a drink the café I told him about my TS in. He told me he was very happy I had come into his life but ‘I wanted this to be a relationship but it isn’t’. I felt I had had been switched off and I had been completely drained. I swear something in me died that moment. I asked him if he couldn’t try to give things another go but he couldn’t reconsider. He asked me f I was OK. I told him I could not be friends with him and did not want to be in contact. I felt completely betrayed not because Gabriel ended the relationship but because he had taken so long to do it in spite of seeing how much distress the situation was causing me. I do regret being so angry in that moment but I am sure that things long term would have ended badly anyway.
Gabriel went to hug me when the conversation ended. I could not bear to have him hug me.
I met Gabriel in a library where a good friend works. One of my sisters had recently married and I had a feeling an important person was about to come into my life.
I met Gabriel in a library that a good friend works in one October evening in 2005. I was immediately attracted to him and send him a note (after debating with myself all weekend while visiting my aunts). My friend said he was shy and checked to see if he was single. One of my colleagues knew him and said he was sweet.
After a month we arranged to go for coffee. We agreed to meet again in a fortnight and I chatted with him for three hours. We ended up in a pub near High Holborn. It was a magical evening for me.
I found out that we had gone to the same university and both studied history. We had also done our masters at the same university- I had studied Librarianship, he had studied Archives. He was also the eldest in his family.
We met a couple of other times before Christmas (he invited me to see a film at Amnesty International and a carol concert where he worked). I found a cheap copy of a DVD of the film we saw together and gave it to him. He didn’t think to get me anything and I knew that this was probably not going to work out. I had a miserable Christmas and got very upset with my brother who I have a difficult relationship with. But Gabriel sent some nice emails about the DVD.
We met up in the new year and I asked him if he wanted to meet up once a week- he agreed). We went to a Persian exhibition one Sunday at the British Museum and went for a curry afterwards.
Gabriel is very religious and his church is an important part of his life. He would often want to discuss theology and religious matter when we met and often talked about his church. We both enjoyed going to talks, particularly on theological subjects. I thought I had found someone I had a spiritual bond with.
I was very happy to have Gabriel in my life. But I wanted to tell him about my TS. It is an important part of who I am and of my life. It was very nerve wracking to know when exactly was the right point to do it. I did not want to scare him off by getting too serious. I even got advice from my colleague who knew him (which meant telling her about my TS) and my friends with TS. One Sunday in early 2006. I went to his church and afterwards we went for a coffee and I told. He was very sweet and asked if there was anything he could do.
A couple of weeks later I invited him over to my flat for lunch. He kept waiting before setting off from his church I nervously prepared some pasta (which I tried out the previous day on my friends). He seemed to enjoy the meal. It was going to be Valentine’s Day that week so I snuck a card into his bag.
A couple of days later on Valentine’s Day, Gabriel came by my work. I will never forget seeing him at the bottom of the stairs after I had a meeting with my line manager. He had a puppyish look on his face and I threw my arms around him (one of the Library readers observed us!) After chatting he passed me the only Valentine’s card I have ever received. I treasured it.
In early March Gabriel had a birthday and I got him a couple of books and a card. I managed to spend some time with him and went to a meal at his church. I had a bad headache so went home. I often get run down and sent Gabriel an email explaining this but also telling him he was important to me and I wanted to spend time with him. His response was to tell me he found the email moving.
I had told my mum about Gabriel at Christmas. She was keen to meet him. So I agreed to bring him over on Mother’s day. I went to his church and gave him some chocolate and postcards I had got him on my trip to Bristol. We travelled over together to my parents. My beloved Grandmother was also there. The meal was a great success.
I continued to attend Gabriel’s church and we would also meet up during the week. Very little happened between us physically. Gabriel initiated a couple of hugs early on. I have to admit that I am shy about these matters and did not know what to do next when Gabriel hugged me. I desired him so much and wanted to hold him. But I noticed him looking sheepish when we went to a talk about Christian attitudes to sex. We also had limited time together alone. I was also tending to agree to do what Gabriel wanted. He did not show much interest in my friends the same way I took an interest in his.
I went to the Easter service at Gabriel’s church. He kissed me on the lips after the service. I gave him some chocolate eggs. I still get upset when I see Easter eggs in Marks and Spenser’s as I think of him. Gabriel did not want to come to Easter lunch at my parents (in the end this turned out for the best as it did not go well!)
In mid-April Gabriel and I went to a talk which a colleague’s brother gave at the Museum of London. I later heard this colleague thought we looked good together. This comforts me but also fills me with such pain at what could have been and what Gabriel still refuses to acknowledge.That evening when we were alone Gabriel put his arm around me when we were looking at the John Wesley monument. It was a thrilling, sweet moment and I wish that I had acted more on it.
That weekend I went on a long overdue and emotional trip to Dublin where I spend part of my childhood. Gabriel’s contract with his work was soon to come to an end and he had an interview while I was away. We exchanged texts. I carried Gabriel around in my heart while in Dublin and every moment I spent there was touched by the knowledge he was part of my life (I still carry these feelings round when I visit Dublin and to a certain extent Bristol).
We met up that Friday and I gave him some chocolate and a book. I told him I planned to try and get my own place. He said he was happy to drift. I have always had a feeling that from this point onwards things began to go wrong between us.
From this point onwards Gabriel became less and less keen to spend any time alone. I only usually saw him with his friends. He did not seem bothered by this. I told him I loved him – even if it was when I left him. I tried not to put any pressure on him but could not deny my feelings for him.
After a month I got tired of this. After church, while he and his friends were having a drink a female friend tried hitting on him and he did nothing about it. I was deeply hurt. When I got home I sent Gabriel an email saying it would be good to spend some time alone together and to clarify what was going on between us.. He did not bother to acknowledge my email. I eventually got in contact with him two days later and he came to my work. He still did not acknowledge my email and I had to raise it. He then asked to use my work computer to do a job application.
That Sunday we went to a café and he was only interested in discussing a prayer group at his church. I broke down and told him he was important to me and he held my hand for 20 minutes. I then had to go to work (it was the one Sunday of the year I had to work).
We met up again where he lived that Tuesday. We did not discuss our situation. That night he called up to ask me to tape something off digital TV for him which I did. He called me after to discuss programme. On Saturday he called to discuss the meal at his church the following day. I asked him to clarify what was going on between us and he said he would discuss with me the next day.
In Pentecost Sunday 2006 I went to Gabriels’ church. When he turned up he went to sit elsewhere but when I looked at him he gave a resigned look and sat with me.
When we went up to get our meals I tried to touch him and he brushed me away. I burst out crying in front of all the people in his church and he hugged me and said we would talk later.
We went for a drink the café I told him about my TS in. He told me he was very happy I had come into his life but ‘I wanted this to be a relationship but it isn’t’. I felt I had had been switched off and I had been completely drained. I swear something in me died that moment. I asked him if he couldn’t try to give things another go but he couldn’t reconsider. He asked me f I was OK. I told him I could not be friends with him and did not want to be in contact. I felt completely betrayed not because Gabriel ended the relationship but because he had taken so long to do it in spite of seeing how much distress the situation was causing me. I do regret being so angry in that moment but I am sure that things long term would have ended badly anyway.
Gabriel went to hug me when the conversation ended. I could not bear to have him hug me.
Sunday, 28 March 2010
13: Before the Sixities Swung- some thoughts on some recent films
-An Education (Lone Scherfig)
Nowhere boy (Sam Taylor Wood)
-a Single man (Tom Ford)
Well enough of the TS stuff for a while! As noted in my review of 'It felt like a kiss' the early sixties are all the rage in the cinema at the moment. It may well be that at the beginning of a new decade and a new political era with the Obama presidency (which has frequently drawn comparisons with the JFK era) we are trying to understand this period through the prism of another era.
All three films explore the underlying social tensions of the era from different vantage points. Two are based on real life stories (Nowhere boy and An Education).
As a Beatles fan I was delighted that Sam Taylor-Wood had properly researched her Beatles history and reproduces faithfully some of the key moments in their early history. Paul gives his all on '20 flight rock' in the church hall, George strums 'Raunchy' on the top of a bus. Woods also picks up on Ian MacDonald’s' point that John and Paul bonded because of both losing their mothers in their teens. Wood focuses on Lennon’s' relationship with his aunt Mimi who raised him and his free spirited mother Julia. Mimi may have given John a stable home life but it was Julia who encouraged John as a musician. Both were strong women.
'A single man' is another debut film by someone who has made their name in another field- this time fashion designer and photographer Tom Ford. Many critics have found this film too stylised. However in a story which is about a man who has to put on a front everyday and conceal his true nature in the face of a hostile world. He is also obliged to look for beauty in the face of the bigotry he faces. I found Colin Firth's performance as George deeply moving and dignified, with his grief for his partner Jim. I also appreciated the senitive portrayal of a committed monogamous gay relationship. For me the film was deeply romantic.
My favourite sequence is when George gets his class to consider fear and 'the other', which speaks to the anxieties of the modern age and roots of unfortunately ongoing homophobia.
My favourite of all three films was 'An education'. Carey Mulligan gives a performance wise beyond her years as Jenny, a highly intelligent and bored teenage girl in early sixties Twickenham. It is interesting to compare Jenny's interest in French culture with John Lennon's interest in Rock and Roll, both speaking to a more liberated and exciting mind set. Jenny's relationship with an older man begins to show her a more sophisticated and liberated world. However this relationship threatens to undermine all Jenny's efforts to assert herself as an intelligent, independent woman. I was heartened by the ending which affirms Jenny as a strong independent person.
Both 'Nowhere boy' and 'An education' show that society is about to change and explore the motiviations of those who were at the forefront of these changes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)