Considering that I have been involved with a local TS group for several years the issue of sex has come up very rarely in either our conversations when we meet up or in our group newsletter.
Sex is intrinsically linked to sexual identity and gender. Being confident about sex requires being confident in your sexuality. It requires having a good relationship with your body. It requires feeling in control of your body. Your sexuality is part of who you are as a person. It is part of all the other aspects of who you are as a person- your political, religious and social beliefs. It is an important part of how you feel about your body and yourself as a person. If you feel negatively about your sexuality, you feel negatively about yourself as a person. If you do not feel as though you have ownership of your sexuality you do not feel as though you have control of your life.
This is particularly an issue for women. In spite of feminism, we still live in a society which still has an at best complex attitude towards female sexuality. We still live with an enormous amount of patriachal misogynist attitudes.
As I have written in an earlier post, women with TS have complicated relationships with their bodies and their sexuality. I certainly know that my relationship with my sexuality has been deeply affected by my medical treatment.
It is interesting that in my own experience, when sex has been discussed at TS events, it has usually been women who do not have TS who have brought up the topic. I will not forget a woman who was writing a book on HRT giving us tips at a conference, or having an amusing discussion about an Anne Summers catalogue at another conference. I have since discovered that there was discussion of sexuality at a recent TSSS conference which is a good sign.
While we have had discussions about how we feel about ourselves as women and how we express our femininity and discuss certain aspects of relationships, sex is something we rarely if ever discuss. Sex is a highly delicate topic and is easier to discuss either one to one or in a small group.
While looking at another TS blog I came across the following statistic ‘Out of 80 women only 55% reported having sexual relations by the age of 34.’ Pavlides et al. (1995). I do not find this surprising from observing the experiences of my TS friends. While a large number of my TS friends are or have been in relationships I know there are a considerable number who have not.
I wish I knew why this should be the case. It is sad to think that our experiences have been so damaging. It is interesting to note that women who received later diagnosis are more confident in their sexuality than those who have had earlier diagnosis. Are our attitides to our bodies and our sexual identity damaged by social expectations of women and our medical treatment? It could be that sexuality is linked so closley to fertility (for both for men and women) and there are still issues around accepting sex being an act of desire/love rather than being a procreative act.
There is an expectation that you will be sexuality active. I remember the incredulity of a GP to whom I told I was a virgin some years ago. I was made to feel as though I was either highly abnormal or a liar by the way she spoke to me. I also found some rude comments on my medical notes by a GP who I thought was being supportive when I attempted to have a smear test.
I have only in the last eighteen months felt able to look at my own sexuality in an honest way and begin to take ownership of it. I am becoming more aware that sexuality is not just about sex but also the relationship you have with yourself. It requires a good level of self awareness and self acceptance required to have a healthy sexuality. I have come to accept that I have sexual feelings and desires and a need to express these.
This was in no small part I ended up discussing the issue of sexuality with a counsellor last year and she get me to examine the issues I have around sex and sexuality. This has helped me begin to resolve some of these.
There are still It does not help that I have come to realise that the one person I have strong feelings towards is Gabriel and that there is no way of acting on these. There is still a lot of confusion and questions that I need to resolve.
Back in April I had an enormously helpful discussion about the vexed topic of sexuality with a couple of TS friends who are not part of my main circle of TS friends. This is not an unimportant point as it was because they are not part of my main circle of friends that I felt able to bring the topic up. They were both incredibly supportive and affirming in their advice.
It is important that as women with TS we continue to move forward discussing these issues together and supporting each other.
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