22: Thoughts on infertility

I will always hold that I have never really had a problem with being infertile. However what I have a major problem with is how other people’s attitudes towards infertility.

As I said in an earlier blog, I never saw becoming a mother as something that I particularly wanted for myself. When I found out that I was infertile when I was eleven it was no particularly distressing for me and I did not have to rethink what I wanted out of life. But my mother was very distressed on my behalf. I love her for this. But from the beginning it indicated that this was more of an issue for other people and what they perceived as a woman’s role in life.

In spite of the work done by the feminist movement from the 1960’s onwards, there is still an expectation that a woman will find herself a husband/partner and become a mother. We live in a culture which pushes the idea of the ‘nuclear’ family as the norm. It does not help that political parties here in the UK (especially the Conservatives) place families on a pedestal. The message comes across loud and clear that if you are not a parent you are not as valuable a member of society.

Moreover if you are not a fertile woman, you are perceived as not an attractive potential partner and any man who becomes your partner is somehow a saint for doing this.

The only time infertility gets discussed in the media or books, it is in the context of fertility treatment. People who are infertile (particularly women) are portrayed as objects of pity. IVF is pushed as a ‘cure’. It is automatically assumed that if you are infertile, you must be devastated by this and want to overcome this fact. There is little if any discussion about what it means to be infertile in this society. There is little if any discussion about actually embracing and accepting being infertile. There is little if any discussion about the effects of other people’s expectations and the pressures these bring. There is never any discussion about accepting the fact of infertility and integrating it into your life and what you can achieve. There is never any mention that some women may not have wanted to become mothers in the first place.

Choosing to do nothing about your infertility is as much a choice as going through IVF and should be appreciated as such. It should also be respected as a choice. But the idea that an infertile woman may be accepting and embracing of her condition is something that does not enter the discussion.



A woman can be many things and achieve so much without being a mother. She can create so many things. But being a mother is still seen as the definition of what it means to be a woman.

I have noticed more since members of my immediate family have had children, just how significant this attitude is. My parents make it very obvious that they value my brother who has children far more than me, not by what they say, but by their actions and the amount of time they spend with my brother’s family. I regularly feel like I am an afterthought and that any issues I may have in my life are insignificant. I have tried discussing this with my mother but she finds this a difficult thing to accept. This adds to my feelings of alienation both from my parents and family. My parents are devout Catholics from Irish backgrounds. They know a lot of single childless women but the focus on traditional family life within Catholicism may be part of why we find it difficult to understand each other. I do not mean to be hard on my parents and love them but have to acknowledge this as an issue. From conversations I have had with other women with TS it is clear that I am not alone in my experiences.

Within my group of friends with TS I have found many different attitudes towards infertility. One good friend has been profoundly marked by her infertility and how she views her opportunities in life. Another friend is beginning to understand the long term implications of being childless as she enters her fifties. Another friend has successfully gone through IVF twice. Many women in the group who have partners have gone through the processes of adoption and IVF. At least one friend shares my view that infertility does not mean the end of the world and that accepting childlessness can be a pro-active decision.

I accept and embrace my infertility. It has been part of my identity since I was eleven and has informed how I live my life.

In closing I will just say that the issue of infertility is the main reason why earlier diagnosis is important and why any girl with TS needs to be informed about this issue as early as possible. It will help her deal with all the myriad issues around infertility as early as possible and help her make the choices she needs to make.