Considering that I have been involved with a local TS group for several years the issue of sex has come up very rarely in either our conversations when we meet up or in our group newsletter.
Sex is intrinsically linked to sexual identity and gender. Being confident about sex requires being confident in your sexuality. It requires having a good relationship with your body. It requires feeling in control of your body. Your sexuality is part of who you are as a person. It is part of all the other aspects of who you are as a person- your political, religious and social beliefs. It is an important part of how you feel about your body and yourself as a person. If you feel negatively about your sexuality, you feel negatively about yourself as a person. If you do not feel as though you have ownership of your sexuality you do not feel as though you have control of your life.
This is particularly an issue for women. In spite of feminism, we still live in a society which still has an at best complex attitude towards female sexuality. We still live with an enormous amount of patriachal misogynist attitudes.
As I have written in an earlier post, women with TS have complicated relationships with their bodies and their sexuality. I certainly know that my relationship with my sexuality has been deeply affected by my medical treatment.
It is interesting that in my own experience, when sex has been discussed at TS events, it has usually been women who do not have TS who have brought up the topic. I will not forget a woman who was writing a book on HRT giving us tips at a conference, or having an amusing discussion about an Anne Summers catalogue at another conference. I have since discovered that there was discussion of sexuality at a recent TSSS conference which is a good sign.
While we have had discussions about how we feel about ourselves as women and how we express our femininity and discuss certain aspects of relationships, sex is something we rarely if ever discuss. Sex is a highly delicate topic and is easier to discuss either one to one or in a small group.
While looking at another TS blog I came across the following statistic ‘Out of 80 women only 55% reported having sexual relations by the age of 34.’ Pavlides et al. (1995). I do not find this surprising from observing the experiences of my TS friends. While a large number of my TS friends are or have been in relationships I know there are a considerable number who have not.
I wish I knew why this should be the case. It is sad to think that our experiences have been so damaging. It is interesting to note that women who received later diagnosis are more confident in their sexuality than those who have had earlier diagnosis. Are our attitides to our bodies and our sexual identity damaged by social expectations of women and our medical treatment? It could be that sexuality is linked so closley to fertility (for both for men and women) and there are still issues around accepting sex being an act of desire/love rather than being a procreative act.
There is an expectation that you will be sexuality active. I remember the incredulity of a GP to whom I told I was a virgin some years ago. I was made to feel as though I was either highly abnormal or a liar by the way she spoke to me. I also found some rude comments on my medical notes by a GP who I thought was being supportive when I attempted to have a smear test.
I have only in the last eighteen months felt able to look at my own sexuality in an honest way and begin to take ownership of it. I am becoming more aware that sexuality is not just about sex but also the relationship you have with yourself. It requires a good level of self awareness and self acceptance required to have a healthy sexuality. I have come to accept that I have sexual feelings and desires and a need to express these.
This was in no small part I ended up discussing the issue of sexuality with a counsellor last year and she get me to examine the issues I have around sex and sexuality. This has helped me begin to resolve some of these.
There are still It does not help that I have come to realise that the one person I have strong feelings towards is Gabriel and that there is no way of acting on these. There is still a lot of confusion and questions that I need to resolve.
Back in April I had an enormously helpful discussion about the vexed topic of sexuality with a couple of TS friends who are not part of my main circle of TS friends. This is not an unimportant point as it was because they are not part of my main circle of friends that I felt able to bring the topic up. They were both incredibly supportive and affirming in their advice.
It is important that as women with TS we continue to move forward discussing these issues together and supporting each other.
Sunday 26 December 2010
Saturday 18 December 2010
37: Conversations amongst ourselves
Back in September, I met up with some of my TS friends. During the course of the afternoon we has some ‘lively’ discussions on issues such as capital punishment, food and nutrition, the upcoming TS national conference, the best method for dealing with a demanding colleague, and whether there really is ‘someone for everyone’ (that one was on me!- I don’t believe there is and stand by that!) Much of what we discussed directly arose from issues we face as women with TS- in the workplace, in our relationships and in our medical treatment. While there are common experiences we do not all deal with the issues we face in the same way or necessarily agree with the way other women may deal with the same problem.
Indeed there have been a number of memorable occasions when there has been some rather heated debate. Women with TS are a diverse lot with different life experiences such as education, work, relationships, politics and religion. We all have a wide variety of personalities with some of us being more gregarious and socially outgoing than others.
For me the most memorable occasion where a discussion went awry was at a group meet up a few years ago. In the middle of a busy high street two women got into a heated discussion about TS politics (see below) followed by a discussion on the highly sensitive topic of genetics and gender identity. I got incredibly upset with both women for holding this conversation in the middle of the street and started to cry (I was also upset after my break up with Gabriel).
There is also an additional issue when meeting up when meeting as a group that it forces you to reflect upon issues that are often painful to deal with. Hearing others’ stories about what issues they have to deal with can be draining and occasionally uncomfortable. Seeing so many other women with TS can also be overwhelming for some women. This is particularly true if they are having issues dealing with TS.
However on most occasions when I have got to a meeting of women with TS, it has generally been a positive experience with women showing respect and courtesy to one another. I know from discussions I have had with women in another group of TS friends that it is not all sweetness and light!
Then we come to the vexed topic of the situation with the two UK support groups that deal with TS. Lucy and I have a particular set of experiences which mean we have one outlook on the split which occurred ten years ago. However several other women have completely the opposite outlook. There is a woman whom I have enormous respect for and love but I do feel as though she is putting myself and others under pressure to be involved with a particular group. I have tried to explain my reasons for why I feel unable to be involved. I also challenged another woman (on the occasion mentioned above) about what Lucy and I felt was a lack of support and loyalty during the split of the two national groups. Perhaps this matter was better not brought up after seven years, and I should have been more sensitive to the issues and pressures that the woman faces.
I appreciate that no situation is ever black or white and women in the group have different sets of experiences and indeed loyalties. For this reason I try and avoid the whole topic! However I don’t think it is any accident that of the women with TS outside of London and the South East of the UK that I am closest to do not have very strong feelings on the topic.
There is also the sensitive subject of how far the common bond of having TS means that you will be able to sustain a friendship. This works both ways. There are women that I tried to befriend that were clearly not that interested. I am also guilty of not being as supportive of some of my TS friends as I could be.
There needs to be some common ground besides TS. You need to have some shared outlooks. That is not to say you have to completely agree! For example, one of my dearest TS friends have almost completely the opposite political and social outlook to me. But I have a more profound respect for her and a deeper friendship with her than I have for many of my friends (both TS and non TS) who share my political outlook.
I recall a couple of very awkward weekends I spent visiting a woman and her husband about seven years ago. I was being placed under pressure to go on holiday with them which would have been a very bad idea! The woman was incredibly sweet but the only thing we had in common was TS. This was not enough to build a friendship on. In the end I cut off contact as I felt unable to explain this.
I know that I am as guilty of being prone to make demands on my TS friends as anyone and as prone to allowing personal insecurities affect my friendships. I will say I find it painful to deal with rejection by other women with TS. I know from discussions with my TS friends that criticism or perceived criticism from other woman with TS can be difficult to deal with.
I admit that I have handled certain situations badly. There was a woman with TS who I was close friends with several years ago. We could meet regularly as we worked near each other. However the woman got a job nearer to where she lived and we gradually drifted apart. I ended up leaving an indignant message on her phone once which was not understanding of me. We are still vaguely in contact and I still think the world of her. I hope she knows this. I have also said things to some of my friends which I regret and not extended the understanding on certain occasions that I should have done.
In the end my TS friends are like any group of people brought together by circumstance. Some will get along, others will not. Sometimes you make unexpected connections, sometimes you don’t connect with someone you thought you would. Friendship takes a lot of hard work and give and take. There are going to be occasional issues. It is important however to place these in context and realise how much my friends with TS bring to my life.
Indeed there have been a number of memorable occasions when there has been some rather heated debate. Women with TS are a diverse lot with different life experiences such as education, work, relationships, politics and religion. We all have a wide variety of personalities with some of us being more gregarious and socially outgoing than others.
For me the most memorable occasion where a discussion went awry was at a group meet up a few years ago. In the middle of a busy high street two women got into a heated discussion about TS politics (see below) followed by a discussion on the highly sensitive topic of genetics and gender identity. I got incredibly upset with both women for holding this conversation in the middle of the street and started to cry (I was also upset after my break up with Gabriel).
There is also an additional issue when meeting up when meeting as a group that it forces you to reflect upon issues that are often painful to deal with. Hearing others’ stories about what issues they have to deal with can be draining and occasionally uncomfortable. Seeing so many other women with TS can also be overwhelming for some women. This is particularly true if they are having issues dealing with TS.
However on most occasions when I have got to a meeting of women with TS, it has generally been a positive experience with women showing respect and courtesy to one another. I know from discussions I have had with women in another group of TS friends that it is not all sweetness and light!
Then we come to the vexed topic of the situation with the two UK support groups that deal with TS. Lucy and I have a particular set of experiences which mean we have one outlook on the split which occurred ten years ago. However several other women have completely the opposite outlook. There is a woman whom I have enormous respect for and love but I do feel as though she is putting myself and others under pressure to be involved with a particular group. I have tried to explain my reasons for why I feel unable to be involved. I also challenged another woman (on the occasion mentioned above) about what Lucy and I felt was a lack of support and loyalty during the split of the two national groups. Perhaps this matter was better not brought up after seven years, and I should have been more sensitive to the issues and pressures that the woman faces.
I appreciate that no situation is ever black or white and women in the group have different sets of experiences and indeed loyalties. For this reason I try and avoid the whole topic! However I don’t think it is any accident that of the women with TS outside of London and the South East of the UK that I am closest to do not have very strong feelings on the topic.
There is also the sensitive subject of how far the common bond of having TS means that you will be able to sustain a friendship. This works both ways. There are women that I tried to befriend that were clearly not that interested. I am also guilty of not being as supportive of some of my TS friends as I could be.
There needs to be some common ground besides TS. You need to have some shared outlooks. That is not to say you have to completely agree! For example, one of my dearest TS friends have almost completely the opposite political and social outlook to me. But I have a more profound respect for her and a deeper friendship with her than I have for many of my friends (both TS and non TS) who share my political outlook.
I recall a couple of very awkward weekends I spent visiting a woman and her husband about seven years ago. I was being placed under pressure to go on holiday with them which would have been a very bad idea! The woman was incredibly sweet but the only thing we had in common was TS. This was not enough to build a friendship on. In the end I cut off contact as I felt unable to explain this.
I know that I am as guilty of being prone to make demands on my TS friends as anyone and as prone to allowing personal insecurities affect my friendships. I will say I find it painful to deal with rejection by other women with TS. I know from discussions with my TS friends that criticism or perceived criticism from other woman with TS can be difficult to deal with.
I admit that I have handled certain situations badly. There was a woman with TS who I was close friends with several years ago. We could meet regularly as we worked near each other. However the woman got a job nearer to where she lived and we gradually drifted apart. I ended up leaving an indignant message on her phone once which was not understanding of me. We are still vaguely in contact and I still think the world of her. I hope she knows this. I have also said things to some of my friends which I regret and not extended the understanding on certain occasions that I should have done.
In the end my TS friends are like any group of people brought together by circumstance. Some will get along, others will not. Sometimes you make unexpected connections, sometimes you don’t connect with someone you thought you would. Friendship takes a lot of hard work and give and take. There are going to be occasional issues. It is important however to place these in context and realise how much my friends with TS bring to my life.
Saturday 25 September 2010
36: TS and feminism- some thoughts
I have recently started getting involved with a feminist group, something I have been intending to do for a couple of years.
Part of why I have wanted to get involved is that I have found feminist thought on a number of issues (gender roles, women and the medical profession and reproduction) very useful in helping me explore and come to terms with certain aspects of TS.
As I have discussed in my previous post there are serious issues around the way doctors deal with women with TS. The medical profession is still, like many professions, dominated by men. While I have experience of several female GPs, I have had very limited experience (if any) of being treated by female consultants. I discussed in an earlier blog entry the effect that my treatment by male consultants has had on how I view myself as a woman, and how consultants project a view of what is feminine onto girls and women with TS. Feminists have been the one group who have examined the way the medical profession has treated women and how it is an inherently patriarchal profession (as most are!)
I know of one group of TS friends who have enjoyed an excellent relationship with a female gynaecologist over several years. However this is the exception rather than the rule.
One of the issues ‘second wave’ feminists looked at was the way women are treated in the medical profession. They were concerned to ensure that women got information about how their bodies work and how to take charge of their health. This was exemplified by the Boston women’s health book collective’s collating and publishing ‘Our bodies, ourselves’ in 1973. This had an important role in helping women reclaim some balance in their relationships with the medical profession and gave them the confidence to question doctors. It also helped women to discern that they could find information for themselves and disseminate it to others with the same health issues. Most importantly it helped women perceive that they had ownership of their bodies and could have ownership of any health issues they may have. I find that I gain as much if not more medical information from my friends with TS as I do from health professionals. We also share our experiences of our treatment by particular health professionals. This is directly builds on the practices developed by the Boston Women’s health book collective back in the 1970’s.
I have been involved in a couple of ‘speak outs’ at a couple of TS conferences about my life with TS. The ‘Speak out’ was a technique of awareness raising developed by second wave feminists, which has been used around issues such as abortion.
My friends from the local TS group may not be aware of it but every time we meet up we practice the key second wave feminist practice of ‘Consciousness raising’ This is the practice of women coming together to share their experiences of particular issues such as relationships, work , etc. By coming together in ‘consciousness raising’ groups in the late 1960’s/early 1970’s and sharing their experiences, the women involved with these groups were able to discern common patterns of how they were treated as women, and that experiences that they thought were unique to themselves were actually shared by large numbers of women. They were able to build on what had been shared in these groups to for feminist theory on issues such as rape (Susan Brownmiller’s ‘Against our will’) and housework and gender roles in the home (Ann Oakley’s ‘Housewife’). Through our conversations my friends and myself have been able to see that we share specific experiences we thought were unique, particularly in the work place (many of us have been bullied), relationships with men (specifically how potential partners deal with our infertility) and with our families. This has allowed us to become stronger as individuals as we realise that we are not alone and to support each other as we can share coping strategies.
Feminism has also challenged the idea that a woman is only truly fulfilled though motherhood. By fighting for women’s reproductive rights, feminists have helped women claim sex as something that is important in and of itself, and not just part of the reproductive process (I will discuss the specific implications of this further in a later post).
By fighting for women’s educational and employment rights feminists have enabled many women to find validation which does not involve becoming a mother. This has allowed women with TS opportunities to contribute to society that they would not have had even 50 years ago.
Feminists have been at the forefront of looking at issues of gender. I attended a highly useful event in April this year looking at different feminist theories of gender. There is a transcript at http://www.troubleandstrife.org/?page_id=527. I came away from this event feeling enormously heartened. The last few years have seen the rise of ‘Queer’ theory of gender which argues for a multiplicity of genders. To this end, Turners Syndrome (along with some other chromosome conditions) has been incorrectly described as an ‘intersex condition’ by some ‘Queer’ gender theorists. Not only does this display a complete misunderstanding of TS as a condition, it is also profoundly damaging to women with TS, whose sense of themselves as women has already been undermined by the way we have been treated. Radical feminist thought argues that gender roles are something that should be transcended and that social conditioning plays as large a part as biology in how we become ‘male’ or female’. Therefore just because women with TS are infertile, this does nor rob the of their womanhood.
Certainly there are some tensions. There are feminist groups which oppose the selling of eggs (which is clearly something which many women with TS would support as there is a significant shortage in egg donors in this country). There are also feminists who have concerns around IVF generally and who distrust the use of HRT.
However, I am grateful every day for the feminist movement.
Part of why I have wanted to get involved is that I have found feminist thought on a number of issues (gender roles, women and the medical profession and reproduction) very useful in helping me explore and come to terms with certain aspects of TS.
As I have discussed in my previous post there are serious issues around the way doctors deal with women with TS. The medical profession is still, like many professions, dominated by men. While I have experience of several female GPs, I have had very limited experience (if any) of being treated by female consultants. I discussed in an earlier blog entry the effect that my treatment by male consultants has had on how I view myself as a woman, and how consultants project a view of what is feminine onto girls and women with TS. Feminists have been the one group who have examined the way the medical profession has treated women and how it is an inherently patriarchal profession (as most are!)
I know of one group of TS friends who have enjoyed an excellent relationship with a female gynaecologist over several years. However this is the exception rather than the rule.
One of the issues ‘second wave’ feminists looked at was the way women are treated in the medical profession. They were concerned to ensure that women got information about how their bodies work and how to take charge of their health. This was exemplified by the Boston women’s health book collective’s collating and publishing ‘Our bodies, ourselves’ in 1973. This had an important role in helping women reclaim some balance in their relationships with the medical profession and gave them the confidence to question doctors. It also helped women to discern that they could find information for themselves and disseminate it to others with the same health issues. Most importantly it helped women perceive that they had ownership of their bodies and could have ownership of any health issues they may have. I find that I gain as much if not more medical information from my friends with TS as I do from health professionals. We also share our experiences of our treatment by particular health professionals. This is directly builds on the practices developed by the Boston Women’s health book collective back in the 1970’s.
I have been involved in a couple of ‘speak outs’ at a couple of TS conferences about my life with TS. The ‘Speak out’ was a technique of awareness raising developed by second wave feminists, which has been used around issues such as abortion.
My friends from the local TS group may not be aware of it but every time we meet up we practice the key second wave feminist practice of ‘Consciousness raising’ This is the practice of women coming together to share their experiences of particular issues such as relationships, work , etc. By coming together in ‘consciousness raising’ groups in the late 1960’s/early 1970’s and sharing their experiences, the women involved with these groups were able to discern common patterns of how they were treated as women, and that experiences that they thought were unique to themselves were actually shared by large numbers of women. They were able to build on what had been shared in these groups to for feminist theory on issues such as rape (Susan Brownmiller’s ‘Against our will’) and housework and gender roles in the home (Ann Oakley’s ‘Housewife’). Through our conversations my friends and myself have been able to see that we share specific experiences we thought were unique, particularly in the work place (many of us have been bullied), relationships with men (specifically how potential partners deal with our infertility) and with our families. This has allowed us to become stronger as individuals as we realise that we are not alone and to support each other as we can share coping strategies.
Feminism has also challenged the idea that a woman is only truly fulfilled though motherhood. By fighting for women’s reproductive rights, feminists have helped women claim sex as something that is important in and of itself, and not just part of the reproductive process (I will discuss the specific implications of this further in a later post).
By fighting for women’s educational and employment rights feminists have enabled many women to find validation which does not involve becoming a mother. This has allowed women with TS opportunities to contribute to society that they would not have had even 50 years ago.
Feminists have been at the forefront of looking at issues of gender. I attended a highly useful event in April this year looking at different feminist theories of gender. There is a transcript at http://www.troubleandstrife.org/?page_id=527. I came away from this event feeling enormously heartened. The last few years have seen the rise of ‘Queer’ theory of gender which argues for a multiplicity of genders. To this end, Turners Syndrome (along with some other chromosome conditions) has been incorrectly described as an ‘intersex condition’ by some ‘Queer’ gender theorists. Not only does this display a complete misunderstanding of TS as a condition, it is also profoundly damaging to women with TS, whose sense of themselves as women has already been undermined by the way we have been treated. Radical feminist thought argues that gender roles are something that should be transcended and that social conditioning plays as large a part as biology in how we become ‘male’ or female’. Therefore just because women with TS are infertile, this does nor rob the of their womanhood.
Certainly there are some tensions. There are feminist groups which oppose the selling of eggs (which is clearly something which many women with TS would support as there is a significant shortage in egg donors in this country). There are also feminists who have concerns around IVF generally and who distrust the use of HRT.
However, I am grateful every day for the feminist movement.
Sunday 19 September 2010
35. I like Mike (White) p. 3- Chuck and Buck
As I said in post 33 I went to see the Film ‘Chuck and Buck’ three times in the space of two weeks when it came out in UK in November 2000. I vividly recall thinking even as I was watching the film for the first time that this was going to be a film that was going to be very important in my life.
The film follows the events following the reunion of two childhood friends Charlie (Chuck) Sitter (played by Chris Weitz who would go on to direct ‘The Golden Compass’ and ‘New Moon’) and Buck O’ Brien (Mike White) at the funeral of Buck mother. The two men were best friends when they were eleven, although they have not met in many years and are now twenty seven. Charlie moved to Los Angeles and became a successful record company executive, with a fiancé called Carlyn. However Buck still acts as though he were eleven, playing with toys and sucking lollipops. Something transpires at the funeral that sends Charlie running back to Los Angeles and hints that something amiss happened between them when they were children.
Buck is undeterred and follows Charlie to Los Angeles. He turns up at Charlie’s work unannounced, phones his house at all hours and spies on him. Some of the critics of the film feel uneasy with its portrayal of stalking. Ironically many some of these critics wanted the story to resolve violently. Rather, the film shows the emotional distress and disruption that stalking causes to its victims and explores the social inadequacies and isolation of those who stalk.
Buck eventually decides to write a play about his childhood relationship with Charlie which he persuades a children’s theatre across the road from Charlie’s work to stage. He gets Beverley (Lupe Ontiveros) who works at the theatre to direct the play for $25 an hour. While at first there are elements of exploitation in the relationship, Beverley becomes fond of Buck and eventually becomes a valuable friend. She is able to comfort him when he finally relinquishes his attachment to Charlie and able to confide in him about her own insecurities. Through Beverley Buck finds a role in the adult world through helping out at the theatre. He in turn has given Beverley a chance to escape her mundane job in the box office and show her talents as a director.
Ontiveros gives a truly excellent performance- showing what a criminally misused actress she is. Before she acted in this film she had played the role of a maid in around 150-200 films/TV programmes including the Goonies and ‘As good as it gets’. Ontiveros said recently at the tenth anniversary screening I refer to below that she accepted the role without reading the script for no other reason than it was not a stereotypical Latina role (http://www.ifc.com/news/2010/08/chuck-and-buck-turns-10.php). In this article she also tells how Mike White called her in tears after she won an award for best supporting actress at the National Board of Review Awards in 2001, delighted she had finally got some recognition
Arteta also made unconventional choices for two other roles. He got his Wesleyan University classmate and friend Paul Weitz to play would be actor Sam and Paul’s brother Chris to play Charlie. Both had just finished making ‘American Pie’ which would make their names. Paul gives a wonderful comic performance as Sam, getting to deliver some highly politically incorrect lines. Some commentators have noted that Sam seems to be stuck in late adolescence the same way Buck is stuck in late childhood. In spite of his obvious lack of ability he decides to pursue a career in acting (reckoning it is better than laying carpet). He is highly misogynistic, making crude comments about Beverley behind her back in response to her more sophisticated put downs. He has also driven a female neighbour away with his behaviour. We find out in a deleted scene that he has driven his girlfriend to join a cult and has had issues with substance abuse. However, in spite of this he turns out to be more mature in his dealings with Buck than Charlie. After Buck gropes him, Sam immediately challenges him. There is even a note of self reproach that he has misread the situation. When Buck apologies for this pass, Sam accepts the apology after making it clear that he doesn’t want to sleep with him, but does not reject him. Carter Soles in his essay for E-jump cut (http://www.ejumpcut.org/archive/jc49.2007/CarterSoles/.html) explores the possibility that Sam himself is latently gay. In particular he explores Sam’s ‘smiling and scoping’ Buck twice, once when they first talk and in their conversation before Buck attends Charlie’s wedding.
Buck may be a ‘man child’ but he is no Forrest Gump. His behaviour is not endearing and innocent but profoundly awkward, annoying and self-centred. Buck suffers from a child’s lack of self awareness and awareness of the feelings of others around them. His situation reminds us that what we usually carry with us from childhood is not a sense of innocence and wonder but a sense of unease and powerlessness about the situations we find ourselves in and a fear of being unloved and deserted by those we care about.
Mike White’s performance has recently been nominated by Jeff Bridges as his performance as his favourite of the last decade. Even viewers who have not particularly enjoyed the film have acclaimed his performance.
Some have interpreted the film as being homophobic because the gay character (Buck) is emotionally immature and does not behave in a manner befitting his age. However it is when Buck finally learns how to negotiate the tricky waters of adult sexuality and accept the pain and complexities that brings that he starts to mature (see my discussion on the ‘deal’ below). Some negative comments about the film argue that Buck is portrayed as a sexual predator. However the situation is shown to be considerably more complex than that.
Some viewers also have issues with the fact that Buck is not in a relationship at the end of the film. Some commentators interpret the moment at the end of the film where a man talks to Buck at Charlies’ wedding as Buck getting ‘cruised’. Mike White made an interesting comment in an interview with Michael Martin at nerve.com in 2007 http://www.nerve.com/content/qa-mike-white when asked if Buck has given up on the idea of a gay relationship
‘Well, I think Buck could be on the verge of one’ He then adds
‘ I don't think of them as any sadder than anyone else. Buck is certainly more . . . something than everyone else, but I think of him as happy too. He has his little world. He's lonely, I guess, but no more lonely than Chuck in his marriage’.
The eventual resolution of the situation between Buck and Charlie has caused a considerable amount of debate/controversy, particularly on IMDB/Amazon for a number of reasons. Some find it improbable that having spent most of the film trying to avoid Buck, Charlie would agree to sleep with him. Others argue Charlie is a repressed homosexual. Viewers tend to project their own expectations and anxieties onto Charlie. Some comments argue that in his own way Charlie has as many problems as Buck (as Mike White’s comment hints).
I have only come across one excellent essay about the film by Michael Sicinski on his website http://academichack.net/ (* http://academichack.net/chuckbuck.htm) that puts forward the most obvious and simple explanation - that Charlie is bisexual and that this neither invalidates his commitment to Carlyn or his past with Buck (Sicinski also makes a very thoughtful argument for how Buck’s embracing of his sexuality is part of his becoming a mature adult)
I think it is important to consider the true nature of what Charlie and Buck’s ‘deal’ is. It is not that Buck will leave Charlie alone in return for spending the night with him. In the scene where Buck puts the deal he firstly explains to an angry Charlie how much the intensity of their childhood relationship meant to him (It was just me and you, all this other stuff makes me feel dead). Charlie’s expression changes from anger to tenderness. Buck then puts ‘the deal’ to Charlie. But while Charlie initially looks taken aback he is not appalled and is considering what Buck is offering. When Buck sees Charlie’s concern he says makes it clear it is ‘just one night’ he is asking for. Buck then says ‘And then, I don’t know, you’ll never hear from me again’. Charlie then smiles at Buck, indicating agreement. What I understand this moment to mean is that Buck is offering Charlie a more long term relationship if that turns out to be what he wants but he cannot ignore both his and Buck’s shared past and his own (highly repressed) desire to return to their relationship. Buck in effect offers Charlie a safe space with boundaries (just one night) and a legitimate excuse (of leaving him alone) in order to do this so that it will not disrupt his current life and relationship.
Once the boundary is in place Charlie can freely acknowledge to Buck that their past relationship happened and that it had a profound meaning for him (yeah, I remember you, I remember everything), and re-enact it. However he explains to Buck afterwards before leaving him that ‘You need to grow up’ (prompting Buck’s retort of ‘Like you?’ to which Charlie responds ‘I’m trying- you know- acknowledging that he also finds the world a difficult place to navigate) and makes clear ‘There’s someone else in my life now’. As he says goodbye his tone of voice and face express gratitude and tenderness. While Buck is heartbroken (there’s no love left for me- not anymore!), he accepts the situation and begins to move on with his life.
On the audio commentary on the scene where Buck returns to his room and looks at the collages of his parents, Mike White points out that Buck realises that it is his parents who he actually misses, not Charlie. He also comments your parents are ‘the first people who break your heart’. Miguel Arteta, the film’s director describes this scene being about forgiving those who hurt you.
For me the true ending of the film comes when Buck and Charlie see each other some months later in the restaurant. Buck is with his friends from the theatre and Charlie is with Carlyn. They see each other. Buck looks at Charlie sorrowfully but with acceptance. He is the one to break eye contact. Charlie continues to look at Buck for some moments afterwards with unguarded tenderness and pride (to the point that Carlyn has to look at him in a questioning manner).
Arteta decided to film using digital photography. As well as greatly reducing the cost of making the film, this allowed him to tell the story with a deeper level of intimacy. In an interview with Res magazine in 2000 Arteta described how filming with two light digital cameras allowed both for longer takes and closer shots.
Both Chris Weitz and Mike White would garner considerable acclaim when they wrote films about immature thirtysomething men forced to grow up when they become parent figures to mature eleven years olds (‘About a boy’ and ‘School of Rock’ respectively).
Maybe a large part of why this film resonates with me is that Buck and Charlie’s lives are eternally affected by events that happened to them when they were eleven. I often feel in spite of all I have achieved as an adult that part of me is still that eleven year old girl. I certainly feel some of those around me (including close family and lifelong friends) have difficulties accepting quite how responsible and mature I actually am.
There was a recent event in Los Angeles which Miguel Arteta, Mike White, Lupe Ontiveros, the Weitz brothers and Matthew Greenfield (the films’ producer) attended http://www.ifc.com/news/2010/08/chuck-and-buck-turns-10.php. I find it very moving that in spite of all that each of the individuals involved has achieved since, they valued the experience so much that they all came to this event.
The film follows the events following the reunion of two childhood friends Charlie (Chuck) Sitter (played by Chris Weitz who would go on to direct ‘The Golden Compass’ and ‘New Moon’) and Buck O’ Brien (Mike White) at the funeral of Buck mother. The two men were best friends when they were eleven, although they have not met in many years and are now twenty seven. Charlie moved to Los Angeles and became a successful record company executive, with a fiancé called Carlyn. However Buck still acts as though he were eleven, playing with toys and sucking lollipops. Something transpires at the funeral that sends Charlie running back to Los Angeles and hints that something amiss happened between them when they were children.
Buck is undeterred and follows Charlie to Los Angeles. He turns up at Charlie’s work unannounced, phones his house at all hours and spies on him. Some of the critics of the film feel uneasy with its portrayal of stalking. Ironically many some of these critics wanted the story to resolve violently. Rather, the film shows the emotional distress and disruption that stalking causes to its victims and explores the social inadequacies and isolation of those who stalk.
Buck eventually decides to write a play about his childhood relationship with Charlie which he persuades a children’s theatre across the road from Charlie’s work to stage. He gets Beverley (Lupe Ontiveros) who works at the theatre to direct the play for $25 an hour. While at first there are elements of exploitation in the relationship, Beverley becomes fond of Buck and eventually becomes a valuable friend. She is able to comfort him when he finally relinquishes his attachment to Charlie and able to confide in him about her own insecurities. Through Beverley Buck finds a role in the adult world through helping out at the theatre. He in turn has given Beverley a chance to escape her mundane job in the box office and show her talents as a director.
Ontiveros gives a truly excellent performance- showing what a criminally misused actress she is. Before she acted in this film she had played the role of a maid in around 150-200 films/TV programmes including the Goonies and ‘As good as it gets’. Ontiveros said recently at the tenth anniversary screening I refer to below that she accepted the role without reading the script for no other reason than it was not a stereotypical Latina role (http://www.ifc.com/news/2010/08/chuck-and-buck-turns-10.php). In this article she also tells how Mike White called her in tears after she won an award for best supporting actress at the National Board of Review Awards in 2001, delighted she had finally got some recognition
Arteta also made unconventional choices for two other roles. He got his Wesleyan University classmate and friend Paul Weitz to play would be actor Sam and Paul’s brother Chris to play Charlie. Both had just finished making ‘American Pie’ which would make their names. Paul gives a wonderful comic performance as Sam, getting to deliver some highly politically incorrect lines. Some commentators have noted that Sam seems to be stuck in late adolescence the same way Buck is stuck in late childhood. In spite of his obvious lack of ability he decides to pursue a career in acting (reckoning it is better than laying carpet). He is highly misogynistic, making crude comments about Beverley behind her back in response to her more sophisticated put downs. He has also driven a female neighbour away with his behaviour. We find out in a deleted scene that he has driven his girlfriend to join a cult and has had issues with substance abuse. However, in spite of this he turns out to be more mature in his dealings with Buck than Charlie. After Buck gropes him, Sam immediately challenges him. There is even a note of self reproach that he has misread the situation. When Buck apologies for this pass, Sam accepts the apology after making it clear that he doesn’t want to sleep with him, but does not reject him. Carter Soles in his essay for E-jump cut (http://www.ejumpcut.org/archive/jc49.2007/CarterSoles/.html) explores the possibility that Sam himself is latently gay. In particular he explores Sam’s ‘smiling and scoping’ Buck twice, once when they first talk and in their conversation before Buck attends Charlie’s wedding.
Buck may be a ‘man child’ but he is no Forrest Gump. His behaviour is not endearing and innocent but profoundly awkward, annoying and self-centred. Buck suffers from a child’s lack of self awareness and awareness of the feelings of others around them. His situation reminds us that what we usually carry with us from childhood is not a sense of innocence and wonder but a sense of unease and powerlessness about the situations we find ourselves in and a fear of being unloved and deserted by those we care about.
Mike White’s performance has recently been nominated by Jeff Bridges as his performance as his favourite of the last decade. Even viewers who have not particularly enjoyed the film have acclaimed his performance.
Some have interpreted the film as being homophobic because the gay character (Buck) is emotionally immature and does not behave in a manner befitting his age. However it is when Buck finally learns how to negotiate the tricky waters of adult sexuality and accept the pain and complexities that brings that he starts to mature (see my discussion on the ‘deal’ below). Some negative comments about the film argue that Buck is portrayed as a sexual predator. However the situation is shown to be considerably more complex than that.
Some viewers also have issues with the fact that Buck is not in a relationship at the end of the film. Some commentators interpret the moment at the end of the film where a man talks to Buck at Charlies’ wedding as Buck getting ‘cruised’. Mike White made an interesting comment in an interview with Michael Martin at nerve.com in 2007 http://www.nerve.com/content/qa-mike-white when asked if Buck has given up on the idea of a gay relationship
‘Well, I think Buck could be on the verge of one’ He then adds
‘ I don't think of them as any sadder than anyone else. Buck is certainly more . . . something than everyone else, but I think of him as happy too. He has his little world. He's lonely, I guess, but no more lonely than Chuck in his marriage’.
The eventual resolution of the situation between Buck and Charlie has caused a considerable amount of debate/controversy, particularly on IMDB/Amazon for a number of reasons. Some find it improbable that having spent most of the film trying to avoid Buck, Charlie would agree to sleep with him. Others argue Charlie is a repressed homosexual. Viewers tend to project their own expectations and anxieties onto Charlie. Some comments argue that in his own way Charlie has as many problems as Buck (as Mike White’s comment hints).
I have only come across one excellent essay about the film by Michael Sicinski on his website http://academichack.net/ (* http://academichack.net/chuckbuck.htm) that puts forward the most obvious and simple explanation - that Charlie is bisexual and that this neither invalidates his commitment to Carlyn or his past with Buck (Sicinski also makes a very thoughtful argument for how Buck’s embracing of his sexuality is part of his becoming a mature adult)
I think it is important to consider the true nature of what Charlie and Buck’s ‘deal’ is. It is not that Buck will leave Charlie alone in return for spending the night with him. In the scene where Buck puts the deal he firstly explains to an angry Charlie how much the intensity of their childhood relationship meant to him (It was just me and you, all this other stuff makes me feel dead). Charlie’s expression changes from anger to tenderness. Buck then puts ‘the deal’ to Charlie. But while Charlie initially looks taken aback he is not appalled and is considering what Buck is offering. When Buck sees Charlie’s concern he says makes it clear it is ‘just one night’ he is asking for. Buck then says ‘And then, I don’t know, you’ll never hear from me again’. Charlie then smiles at Buck, indicating agreement. What I understand this moment to mean is that Buck is offering Charlie a more long term relationship if that turns out to be what he wants but he cannot ignore both his and Buck’s shared past and his own (highly repressed) desire to return to their relationship. Buck in effect offers Charlie a safe space with boundaries (just one night) and a legitimate excuse (of leaving him alone) in order to do this so that it will not disrupt his current life and relationship.
Once the boundary is in place Charlie can freely acknowledge to Buck that their past relationship happened and that it had a profound meaning for him (yeah, I remember you, I remember everything), and re-enact it. However he explains to Buck afterwards before leaving him that ‘You need to grow up’ (prompting Buck’s retort of ‘Like you?’ to which Charlie responds ‘I’m trying- you know- acknowledging that he also finds the world a difficult place to navigate) and makes clear ‘There’s someone else in my life now’. As he says goodbye his tone of voice and face express gratitude and tenderness. While Buck is heartbroken (there’s no love left for me- not anymore!), he accepts the situation and begins to move on with his life.
On the audio commentary on the scene where Buck returns to his room and looks at the collages of his parents, Mike White points out that Buck realises that it is his parents who he actually misses, not Charlie. He also comments your parents are ‘the first people who break your heart’. Miguel Arteta, the film’s director describes this scene being about forgiving those who hurt you.
For me the true ending of the film comes when Buck and Charlie see each other some months later in the restaurant. Buck is with his friends from the theatre and Charlie is with Carlyn. They see each other. Buck looks at Charlie sorrowfully but with acceptance. He is the one to break eye contact. Charlie continues to look at Buck for some moments afterwards with unguarded tenderness and pride (to the point that Carlyn has to look at him in a questioning manner).
Arteta decided to film using digital photography. As well as greatly reducing the cost of making the film, this allowed him to tell the story with a deeper level of intimacy. In an interview with Res magazine in 2000 Arteta described how filming with two light digital cameras allowed both for longer takes and closer shots.
Both Chris Weitz and Mike White would garner considerable acclaim when they wrote films about immature thirtysomething men forced to grow up when they become parent figures to mature eleven years olds (‘About a boy’ and ‘School of Rock’ respectively).
Maybe a large part of why this film resonates with me is that Buck and Charlie’s lives are eternally affected by events that happened to them when they were eleven. I often feel in spite of all I have achieved as an adult that part of me is still that eleven year old girl. I certainly feel some of those around me (including close family and lifelong friends) have difficulties accepting quite how responsible and mature I actually am.
There was a recent event in Los Angeles which Miguel Arteta, Mike White, Lupe Ontiveros, the Weitz brothers and Matthew Greenfield (the films’ producer) attended http://www.ifc.com/news/2010/08/chuck-and-buck-turns-10.php. I find it very moving that in spite of all that each of the individuals involved has achieved since, they valued the experience so much that they all came to this event.
Thursday 24 June 2010
34. I like Mike (White) pt.2 - 'Year of the Dog' - an attempt at a feminist reading
I first saw Mike White’s directorial debut in the week I had moved into my current home (which is the first place I have owned) so I was a rather reflective mood. I eventually brought the DVD a year or so later.
I showed this film to a couple of women and they both made very telling remarks along the lines that they thought that this film was going to be a lot more ‘girlie’
The film follows Peggy (Molly Shannon), a mild natured thirty something office worker. We see her interact with her colleagues, namely her boss Robin (Joss Pais) and her desk neighbour/friend Layla (Regina King) and her brother Pier and sister-in-law Bret (Tom McCarthy and Laura Dern). White deliberately has Peggy say very little for the first 15 minutes or so. He has her listen and react to what others are telling her. Peggy at this point is defined by her relationships with others. Peggy acts to reassure her boss when he thinks he is not being given the respect he deserves in the company, reassures Layla she is a good catch after an argument with her boyfriend and listens sympathetically to Bret when she complains about her woes with childcare. Peggy is a prime examine of a nurturing woman. I find it is interesting that Peggy as a woman in a middle position job without a relationship or children is a person other people assume would not have her own problems to share.
Peggy is devoted to her dog Pencil. However one nigh he eats something which poisons him and leads to his death. Peggy is devastated by his death. What is interesting to observe is that the other characters namely Layla and Bret are not necessarily able to extend the same understanding or sympathy to Peggy as she has to them. Note this quote from Layla-‘ I believe that there is somebody on this planet for us all. Even retarded cripple people get married. You just have to be open. So maybe your dog died so your love life could live’ .
Peggy is phoned up by Newt (Peter Sarsgaard), who works in the clinic Peggy took Pencil to in an attempt to save him. He persuades her to take on a troubled Alsatian called Valentine (interesting name!). This affords another telling quote from Layla ‘How are ever going to find a boyfriend if you keep shacking up with dogs?’ Again Peggy’s choices are not ones that fit into a conventional narrative, particularly for a woman. Layla is keen to be married to her boyfriend Don (in spite of their rows and the fact that he has been flirting with other women). She does indeed get engaged and set a wedding date by the end of the film. I actually find the portrayal of Layla reflects my experience that women often end up being the party that think about their relationships and that they often are expected to discuss their relationships amongst each other. It is also an accurate representation of how women perpetuate the pressure to be in a heterosexual relationship. I have personal experience of a very dear female friend who wants me to be in a relationship, just like Layla does Peggy.
Through Newt Peggy starts to get interested in animal rights and under Newts’ (passive aggressive) influence she becomes a vegan. There is a very interesting line that Peggy comes out with when she tells her brother and sister-in-law she is a vegan ‘It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before’. For Peggy veganism not only becomes an ethical choice it becomes a way for her to explore and assert her identity. Women are usually expected to take on particular identities by which to identify themselves and find fufilment – mother, wife (such as Bret), or girlfriend (like Layla). When Peggy takes on an identity as a vegan, it is something that the people around her are unable to fully understand and certainly don’t respect. Her brothers’ reaction is "It will be interesting to see how long this lasts."
Peggy tries to start a relationship with Newt but he tells her he is celibate (due to alluded to abuse in his childhood). Many critics found Newt the most interesting character in the film, in part because of his sexual ambiguity and in part due to his passive aggressive treatment of Peggy. I cannot help but feel relieved for Peggy that she does not enter a relationship with Newt as I feel his behaviour is not entirely respectful and it is clear he has deep seated issues which would make him far from an ideal partner. He does remain a concerned friend to Peggy throughout the film. It is important to note that after Newt has rejected Peggy, she does not give up either her animal rights activism or her veganism. Although Peggy gets interested in animal rights and veganism as a way of getting closer to Newt, they become things which in the end become far more important to her than her friendship with him. Most people watching the film would expect the film to follow a conventional ‘romantic’ narrative with Peggy entering a romantic relationship with Newt. The fact this does not happen may account for the fact the film was not particularly successful at the box office as it made it difficult for a mass audiences to get a handle on. The film does not shy away from saying that maybe there is not someone for everyone (something White says on the DVD commentary)- I personally appreciate this message than an entire years output of Rom-coms.
As Peggy’s interest in animal rights deepens her behaviour starts to become rebellious. After Robin refuses to sign her petition against animal testing, she retaliates by writing cheques in his name from the company chequebook to various animal rights charities. She destroys Bret’s fur coats while babysitting and takes her niece and nephew to an animal sanctuary (and then attempts to take them to a slaughterhouse). Peggy is no longer the good natured amenable woman of the films beginning. She becomes argumentative with her brother and tells Layla about her fiancé flirting with another woman during an argument.
After Newt has Valentine put down after he has mauled another dog to death, Peggy’s already fragile mental state is further undermined and she adopts eleven dogs what were due to be put down. She is fired for embezzlement and she attacks her neighbour, trying to scare him in retaliation for his hunting animals. Her brother and sister-in-law take her in and allow her to recuperate. She goes back to her job. But she realises how important animal rights have become to her and the film ends with her going on a protest.
I want to reproduce fully the final words of the film. In a reverse of the opening scenes when Peggy is the one who listens to others, the final moments have Peggy sending the other characters an email telling others how she views the world and why she has made the decision to become an animal rights activist-
'And there are so many kinds of love in this life. So many things to love. The love for a husband or a wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend. The love for children. The love for yourself. And even material things. This is my love. It is mine. And it fills me and defines me. And it compels me on'
We see the other characters reaction to this email, along with shots of desks showing the things that people choose to define themselves by while Peggy goes on a bus to a protest. Peggy’s activism is shown to be as valid as Bret and Piers decision to be parents, Layla and Don’s decision to be married, Robins’ pursuit of his career.
By this point Peggy is rational and able to make clear decisions. Her behaviour at the end if the film and her email are not that of a mentally and emotionally unhinged personn
It is very rare to see a film coming from Hollywood (even the indie side) which argues that it is as valid for a woman to be a political activist in the same way as it is for her to be a wife, mother or girlfriend. It is also rare to see a woman’s journey towards political activism in a Hollywood film.
A quick word about Molly Shannon’s excellent performance. The script was specifically written for her and she makes Peggy a character you feel for and sympathise with even when her behaviour is most challenging. She more than manages to convey her character’s journey.
Mike White himself is a vegan (although he admits to being imperfect) and has a strong interest in animal rights.
This film is one that means a considerable amount to me personally as it allows me to feel good about decisions I have made about my own life and the things that are important to me.
I showed this film to a couple of women and they both made very telling remarks along the lines that they thought that this film was going to be a lot more ‘girlie’
The film follows Peggy (Molly Shannon), a mild natured thirty something office worker. We see her interact with her colleagues, namely her boss Robin (Joss Pais) and her desk neighbour/friend Layla (Regina King) and her brother Pier and sister-in-law Bret (Tom McCarthy and Laura Dern). White deliberately has Peggy say very little for the first 15 minutes or so. He has her listen and react to what others are telling her. Peggy at this point is defined by her relationships with others. Peggy acts to reassure her boss when he thinks he is not being given the respect he deserves in the company, reassures Layla she is a good catch after an argument with her boyfriend and listens sympathetically to Bret when she complains about her woes with childcare. Peggy is a prime examine of a nurturing woman. I find it is interesting that Peggy as a woman in a middle position job without a relationship or children is a person other people assume would not have her own problems to share.
Peggy is devoted to her dog Pencil. However one nigh he eats something which poisons him and leads to his death. Peggy is devastated by his death. What is interesting to observe is that the other characters namely Layla and Bret are not necessarily able to extend the same understanding or sympathy to Peggy as she has to them. Note this quote from Layla-‘ I believe that there is somebody on this planet for us all. Even retarded cripple people get married. You just have to be open. So maybe your dog died so your love life could live’ .
Peggy is phoned up by Newt (Peter Sarsgaard), who works in the clinic Peggy took Pencil to in an attempt to save him. He persuades her to take on a troubled Alsatian called Valentine (interesting name!). This affords another telling quote from Layla ‘How are ever going to find a boyfriend if you keep shacking up with dogs?’ Again Peggy’s choices are not ones that fit into a conventional narrative, particularly for a woman. Layla is keen to be married to her boyfriend Don (in spite of their rows and the fact that he has been flirting with other women). She does indeed get engaged and set a wedding date by the end of the film. I actually find the portrayal of Layla reflects my experience that women often end up being the party that think about their relationships and that they often are expected to discuss their relationships amongst each other. It is also an accurate representation of how women perpetuate the pressure to be in a heterosexual relationship. I have personal experience of a very dear female friend who wants me to be in a relationship, just like Layla does Peggy.
Through Newt Peggy starts to get interested in animal rights and under Newts’ (passive aggressive) influence she becomes a vegan. There is a very interesting line that Peggy comes out with when she tells her brother and sister-in-law she is a vegan ‘It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before’. For Peggy veganism not only becomes an ethical choice it becomes a way for her to explore and assert her identity. Women are usually expected to take on particular identities by which to identify themselves and find fufilment – mother, wife (such as Bret), or girlfriend (like Layla). When Peggy takes on an identity as a vegan, it is something that the people around her are unable to fully understand and certainly don’t respect. Her brothers’ reaction is "It will be interesting to see how long this lasts."
Peggy tries to start a relationship with Newt but he tells her he is celibate (due to alluded to abuse in his childhood). Many critics found Newt the most interesting character in the film, in part because of his sexual ambiguity and in part due to his passive aggressive treatment of Peggy. I cannot help but feel relieved for Peggy that she does not enter a relationship with Newt as I feel his behaviour is not entirely respectful and it is clear he has deep seated issues which would make him far from an ideal partner. He does remain a concerned friend to Peggy throughout the film. It is important to note that after Newt has rejected Peggy, she does not give up either her animal rights activism or her veganism. Although Peggy gets interested in animal rights and veganism as a way of getting closer to Newt, they become things which in the end become far more important to her than her friendship with him. Most people watching the film would expect the film to follow a conventional ‘romantic’ narrative with Peggy entering a romantic relationship with Newt. The fact this does not happen may account for the fact the film was not particularly successful at the box office as it made it difficult for a mass audiences to get a handle on. The film does not shy away from saying that maybe there is not someone for everyone (something White says on the DVD commentary)- I personally appreciate this message than an entire years output of Rom-coms.
As Peggy’s interest in animal rights deepens her behaviour starts to become rebellious. After Robin refuses to sign her petition against animal testing, she retaliates by writing cheques in his name from the company chequebook to various animal rights charities. She destroys Bret’s fur coats while babysitting and takes her niece and nephew to an animal sanctuary (and then attempts to take them to a slaughterhouse). Peggy is no longer the good natured amenable woman of the films beginning. She becomes argumentative with her brother and tells Layla about her fiancé flirting with another woman during an argument.
After Newt has Valentine put down after he has mauled another dog to death, Peggy’s already fragile mental state is further undermined and she adopts eleven dogs what were due to be put down. She is fired for embezzlement and she attacks her neighbour, trying to scare him in retaliation for his hunting animals. Her brother and sister-in-law take her in and allow her to recuperate. She goes back to her job. But she realises how important animal rights have become to her and the film ends with her going on a protest.
I want to reproduce fully the final words of the film. In a reverse of the opening scenes when Peggy is the one who listens to others, the final moments have Peggy sending the other characters an email telling others how she views the world and why she has made the decision to become an animal rights activist-
'And there are so many kinds of love in this life. So many things to love. The love for a husband or a wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend. The love for children. The love for yourself. And even material things. This is my love. It is mine. And it fills me and defines me. And it compels me on'
We see the other characters reaction to this email, along with shots of desks showing the things that people choose to define themselves by while Peggy goes on a bus to a protest. Peggy’s activism is shown to be as valid as Bret and Piers decision to be parents, Layla and Don’s decision to be married, Robins’ pursuit of his career.
By this point Peggy is rational and able to make clear decisions. Her behaviour at the end if the film and her email are not that of a mentally and emotionally unhinged personn
It is very rare to see a film coming from Hollywood (even the indie side) which argues that it is as valid for a woman to be a political activist in the same way as it is for her to be a wife, mother or girlfriend. It is also rare to see a woman’s journey towards political activism in a Hollywood film.
A quick word about Molly Shannon’s excellent performance. The script was specifically written for her and she makes Peggy a character you feel for and sympathise with even when her behaviour is most challenging. She more than manages to convey her character’s journey.
Mike White himself is a vegan (although he admits to being imperfect) and has a strong interest in animal rights.
This film is one that means a considerable amount to me personally as it allows me to feel good about decisions I have made about my own life and the things that are important to me.
Wednesday 23 June 2010
33. Why I like Mike (White) pt.1- an overview
I have been a fan of scriptwriter/actor Mike White for almost ten years. I will never forget going to see ‘Chuck ad Buck’, a film he scripted and played the main role of ‘Buck O’ Brien’ in at the Ritzy cinema in Brixton three times in two weeks in November 2000. From that point onwards I have watched his career and made sure I have seen (and indeed own the Dvds!) of all the films he has scripted
Mike wrote the scripts for ‘The Good Girl’, ‘Orange County’, ‘School of Rock’ (all of which he had small but telling role in), ‘Nacho Libre’ and ‘Year of the dog’ which he also directed (I intend to write more about this particular film in a later post). I am not aware of any other scriptwriter who is able to veer from dark indie comedies to mainstream Hollywood comedies with such ease. That in itself is an achievement.
Even though these are a seemingly disparate butch of films there are a number of themes I have observed in all of them.
Firstly the central character is usually someone who is socially marginalised or alienated from the circumstances they find themselves in. In ‘The Good girl’ Justine feels alienated from her husband and colleagues and the mundane existence she is trapped in. In ‘School of rock’ Dewey has landed up in his mid thirties without a band and sleeping on a friends couch, with seemingly no future in music. In ‘Chuck and Buck’ Buck is trapped in the mindset of an eleven year old, unable to socialise meaningfully with his peers. In ‘Year of the Dog’ Peggy is mainly defined by her interactions with others. Even in ‘Orange County’ Shaun feels alienated from his family and the values of Pasadena where he lives.
The script follows them in their struggle to find some identity and role for themselves within these circumstances. Justine does this though an affair with a mentally unstable co-worker Holden (as she tells him ‘I like having a secret’). Peggy becomes interested in animal rights activism. Dewey finally finds both a sense of purpose and responsibility by forming a group of eleven year olds he has tricked his way into teaching into a band. Even in ‘Nacho Libre’ Nacho uses wrestling to give him a sense of purpose and identity (ironically considering he also has to conceal his identity!)
As with most US indie films of the last 10-15 years the central characters are not always endearing. Justine behaves in a self-centred deceitful manner in order to conduct an affair, and her attempts to deal with its’ consequences will have tragic results. Throughout most of the film, she views her husband and colleagues with contempt. Dewey starts out feckless and irresponsible, thinking nothing of living off a friend. Buck stalks Charlie and thinks nothing of disrupting his home and work life. Shaun is rather self-centred and judgemental of his family. Even Peggy, the most sympathetic central character of any of White’s scripts, on occasions crosses the line in her behaviour once she becomes interested in animal rights.
But White has enormous compassion and sympathy with his central characters, no matter what trouble they get themselves into. White explores their loneliness and isolation and does not offer any pat solutions to their problem. Relationships of all kinds get very short shrift. There has been criticism of how White resolves ‘Chuck and Buck’ (with Buck the nominally gay character in no relationship at the end of the film) but heterosexual relationships do not work out either. Peggy is rejected by Newt. Justine’s affair with Holden has terrible consequences for them both.
I would also say that White makes some very pointed comments about sexism and its effects on women by calling a film ‘The Good Girl’. For while Justine may not always be good she is also not a girl. The fact that she tries to think of herself in such terms shows the effect of years of having to compromise her own desires and intelligence.
Several characters use writing as a means to express themselves. Buck writes a play which he has put on at a children’s theatre. He uses this play in part to record the exact nature of his childhood relationship with Charlie and the consequences it has had for him, and in part to try and woo Charlie. Shaun in ‘Orange County’ wants to be a writer. He finally realises that he has the inner resources to be a writer without attending the course at Stanford. ‘Holden’ in ‘The Good Girl’ attempts to become a writer but is held by an inability to write any narrative other than the self destructive one which he proceeds to live out to its logical conclusion. White did joke about the fact he had two films come out at the same time which featured tormented young writers- although their stories play out very differently!
I also enjoy the fact that most of the other characters in the scripts are often dealing with issues of how to find a place in society in their own way. In ‘The Good Girl’ Phil and Bubba use marijuana to dull the boredom of their lives, Bubba is resentful and envious of his best friend, Corny takes solace in evangelical Christianity, while Cheryl uses cruel humour to deal with her dead end job. In ‘School of Rock’ all the children in the class turn out to need more from their education than good grades and Principal Rosalie Mullins realises how much of herself she has compromised to be a successful principal In ‘Chuck and Buck’ Beverley uses the opportunity of directly Buck’s play to show what she is capable of (after years of sitting behind the desk) and Sam wants to act to escape the drudgery of a blue collar job (as he says it beats laying ****ing carpet!). Even Charlie turns out to be aware that aspects of his life may be a front in his final conversation with Buck. In ‘Year of the dog’ Layla is obsessed with marrying her boyfriend (oblivious to the fact he has a wandering eye), Peggy’s sister-in-law Bret is wrapped up in middle class motherhood while her boss Robin is only concerned with his position in the company. White shows society is made up of imperfect, complex individuals who try and grab what comfort and connection to others that they can. He shows the impossibility of trying to define what ‘normal’ behaviour is, when we all struggle with what ‘normal’ behaviour is.
Mike White’s scripts deserve to be considered along with the work of Alexander Payne and Noah Baumbach as studies of discomfort and dislocation in modern USA.
I unashamedly prefer White as a scriptwriter to Charlie Kaufman and Wes Anderson. Firstly he has written several interesting female central characters, such as Justine and Peggy, not just middle class educated white heterosexual men (which is what the central characters of Anderson’s and Kaufman’s usually are!) I also find that while Kaufman and Anderson’s writing is undoubtedly original, they are both highly self conscious and self consciously clever in the way they write. As Matthew Fox at Kqed.org in his review of ‘Year of the Dog’ notes Whites scripts are deceptively simple and need a second viewing to fully appreciate them. Whites’s scripts are also often more radical and disquieting in the questions they ask. Anyone who doubts this should look at the debate that still goes on around ‘Chuck and Buck’ on IMDB and Amazon.com!
Major props also for the additional wit and wisdom of Mr. Burke (the teacher he plays in Orange County) on the Orange County DVD- worth buying the DVD for alone
Mike wrote the scripts for ‘The Good Girl’, ‘Orange County’, ‘School of Rock’ (all of which he had small but telling role in), ‘Nacho Libre’ and ‘Year of the dog’ which he also directed (I intend to write more about this particular film in a later post). I am not aware of any other scriptwriter who is able to veer from dark indie comedies to mainstream Hollywood comedies with such ease. That in itself is an achievement.
Even though these are a seemingly disparate butch of films there are a number of themes I have observed in all of them.
Firstly the central character is usually someone who is socially marginalised or alienated from the circumstances they find themselves in. In ‘The Good girl’ Justine feels alienated from her husband and colleagues and the mundane existence she is trapped in. In ‘School of rock’ Dewey has landed up in his mid thirties without a band and sleeping on a friends couch, with seemingly no future in music. In ‘Chuck and Buck’ Buck is trapped in the mindset of an eleven year old, unable to socialise meaningfully with his peers. In ‘Year of the Dog’ Peggy is mainly defined by her interactions with others. Even in ‘Orange County’ Shaun feels alienated from his family and the values of Pasadena where he lives.
The script follows them in their struggle to find some identity and role for themselves within these circumstances. Justine does this though an affair with a mentally unstable co-worker Holden (as she tells him ‘I like having a secret’). Peggy becomes interested in animal rights activism. Dewey finally finds both a sense of purpose and responsibility by forming a group of eleven year olds he has tricked his way into teaching into a band. Even in ‘Nacho Libre’ Nacho uses wrestling to give him a sense of purpose and identity (ironically considering he also has to conceal his identity!)
As with most US indie films of the last 10-15 years the central characters are not always endearing. Justine behaves in a self-centred deceitful manner in order to conduct an affair, and her attempts to deal with its’ consequences will have tragic results. Throughout most of the film, she views her husband and colleagues with contempt. Dewey starts out feckless and irresponsible, thinking nothing of living off a friend. Buck stalks Charlie and thinks nothing of disrupting his home and work life. Shaun is rather self-centred and judgemental of his family. Even Peggy, the most sympathetic central character of any of White’s scripts, on occasions crosses the line in her behaviour once she becomes interested in animal rights.
But White has enormous compassion and sympathy with his central characters, no matter what trouble they get themselves into. White explores their loneliness and isolation and does not offer any pat solutions to their problem. Relationships of all kinds get very short shrift. There has been criticism of how White resolves ‘Chuck and Buck’ (with Buck the nominally gay character in no relationship at the end of the film) but heterosexual relationships do not work out either. Peggy is rejected by Newt. Justine’s affair with Holden has terrible consequences for them both.
I would also say that White makes some very pointed comments about sexism and its effects on women by calling a film ‘The Good Girl’. For while Justine may not always be good she is also not a girl. The fact that she tries to think of herself in such terms shows the effect of years of having to compromise her own desires and intelligence.
Several characters use writing as a means to express themselves. Buck writes a play which he has put on at a children’s theatre. He uses this play in part to record the exact nature of his childhood relationship with Charlie and the consequences it has had for him, and in part to try and woo Charlie. Shaun in ‘Orange County’ wants to be a writer. He finally realises that he has the inner resources to be a writer without attending the course at Stanford. ‘Holden’ in ‘The Good Girl’ attempts to become a writer but is held by an inability to write any narrative other than the self destructive one which he proceeds to live out to its logical conclusion. White did joke about the fact he had two films come out at the same time which featured tormented young writers- although their stories play out very differently!
I also enjoy the fact that most of the other characters in the scripts are often dealing with issues of how to find a place in society in their own way. In ‘The Good Girl’ Phil and Bubba use marijuana to dull the boredom of their lives, Bubba is resentful and envious of his best friend, Corny takes solace in evangelical Christianity, while Cheryl uses cruel humour to deal with her dead end job. In ‘School of Rock’ all the children in the class turn out to need more from their education than good grades and Principal Rosalie Mullins realises how much of herself she has compromised to be a successful principal In ‘Chuck and Buck’ Beverley uses the opportunity of directly Buck’s play to show what she is capable of (after years of sitting behind the desk) and Sam wants to act to escape the drudgery of a blue collar job (as he says it beats laying ****ing carpet!). Even Charlie turns out to be aware that aspects of his life may be a front in his final conversation with Buck. In ‘Year of the dog’ Layla is obsessed with marrying her boyfriend (oblivious to the fact he has a wandering eye), Peggy’s sister-in-law Bret is wrapped up in middle class motherhood while her boss Robin is only concerned with his position in the company. White shows society is made up of imperfect, complex individuals who try and grab what comfort and connection to others that they can. He shows the impossibility of trying to define what ‘normal’ behaviour is, when we all struggle with what ‘normal’ behaviour is.
Mike White’s scripts deserve to be considered along with the work of Alexander Payne and Noah Baumbach as studies of discomfort and dislocation in modern USA.
I unashamedly prefer White as a scriptwriter to Charlie Kaufman and Wes Anderson. Firstly he has written several interesting female central characters, such as Justine and Peggy, not just middle class educated white heterosexual men (which is what the central characters of Anderson’s and Kaufman’s usually are!) I also find that while Kaufman and Anderson’s writing is undoubtedly original, they are both highly self conscious and self consciously clever in the way they write. As Matthew Fox at Kqed.org in his review of ‘Year of the Dog’ notes Whites scripts are deceptively simple and need a second viewing to fully appreciate them. Whites’s scripts are also often more radical and disquieting in the questions they ask. Anyone who doubts this should look at the debate that still goes on around ‘Chuck and Buck’ on IMDB and Amazon.com!
Major props also for the additional wit and wisdom of Mr. Burke (the teacher he plays in Orange County) on the Orange County DVD- worth buying the DVD for alone
Tuesday 22 June 2010
32. Research Junkie
I freely admit that I have taken part in many research projects for TS. I have done one for TS and Diabetes, a couple for TS and cardiology, one for the effects of HRT on bone density, one for TS and liver function and a couple for neurology.
I have had several MRI scans looking at my heart and brain (one that lasted almost two hours- if you have ever been in an MRI scanner you will know how claustrophobic they are!). I have been exposed to unpleasant noises, had to answer some very personal questions, been made to lie still for over two hours while blood pressure cups went off at regular intervals and most exciting of all I had a bone biopsy! Perhaps the hardest thing I have done in the name of research was stop taking HRT for three months to see what effect it had on my heart. I was physically drained by the end of the period.
My friend Lucy once asked me why I felt the need to participate in so many research projects. It is interesting that I got involved in all these research projects shortly after I got involved with a Turners Syndrome support group and was fired up to help out other women with TS in any way I could. I also was aware that many of these research projects were being run in central London, close to where I work, so I felt that at least I was able to get to these places to participate in the research, which many women did not.
But there were two main reasons I wanted to participate in research.
Firstly I wanted to find out more about what positive effects taking HRT has for women with TS. There has been so much negative coverage of HRT and there are many unanswered questions about how effective taking HRT is over a long period. I know many women with TS who have serious concerns about taking HRT. I wanted to help answer these questions as far as I could. I wanted to be able to find out for myself and my friends that taking HRT was worth the possible risks. Taking part in research projects was one way of doing this. For myself I feel that I have received a considerable amount of reassurance from the findings of the research projects I took part in.
Secondly, for me, participating in research projects has helped me view the relationship I have with the medical profession differently. This is the one time where the medical profession is dependent on myself and other women with TS. It is the one time when we have something to offer. It is the one time when doctors are dependent on our good will and co-operation for what they need. It is very easy to feel powerless in the patient-doctor relationship. By participating in research I feel I have at least altered the balance of power. Maybe not a lot but enough to make me feel a lot more comfortable. I have given something back.
I have had several MRI scans looking at my heart and brain (one that lasted almost two hours- if you have ever been in an MRI scanner you will know how claustrophobic they are!). I have been exposed to unpleasant noises, had to answer some very personal questions, been made to lie still for over two hours while blood pressure cups went off at regular intervals and most exciting of all I had a bone biopsy! Perhaps the hardest thing I have done in the name of research was stop taking HRT for three months to see what effect it had on my heart. I was physically drained by the end of the period.
My friend Lucy once asked me why I felt the need to participate in so many research projects. It is interesting that I got involved in all these research projects shortly after I got involved with a Turners Syndrome support group and was fired up to help out other women with TS in any way I could. I also was aware that many of these research projects were being run in central London, close to where I work, so I felt that at least I was able to get to these places to participate in the research, which many women did not.
But there were two main reasons I wanted to participate in research.
Firstly I wanted to find out more about what positive effects taking HRT has for women with TS. There has been so much negative coverage of HRT and there are many unanswered questions about how effective taking HRT is over a long period. I know many women with TS who have serious concerns about taking HRT. I wanted to help answer these questions as far as I could. I wanted to be able to find out for myself and my friends that taking HRT was worth the possible risks. Taking part in research projects was one way of doing this. For myself I feel that I have received a considerable amount of reassurance from the findings of the research projects I took part in.
Secondly, for me, participating in research projects has helped me view the relationship I have with the medical profession differently. This is the one time where the medical profession is dependent on myself and other women with TS. It is the one time when we have something to offer. It is the one time when doctors are dependent on our good will and co-operation for what they need. It is very easy to feel powerless in the patient-doctor relationship. By participating in research I feel I have at least altered the balance of power. Maybe not a lot but enough to make me feel a lot more comfortable. I have given something back.
31. Disclosure Pt. 3- relationships
I have written in my post about Gabriel about disclosing my TS to him. I got a considerable amount of advice from two other women with TS who are in long term relationships before doing this.
Of course the moment you tell a person you are interested in forming a relationship with about your TS, you are showing that you are serious about your future. So it is a tricky balance! You risk putting someone off if you tell them too early as they may not be at a point where they want to think about things that seriously but you also risk the relationship if you leave it until things have become serious. I know at least one case where this occurred.
Interestingly sometimes good relationships have been formed when the other party has known about your TS for while so there is no need for disclosure.
Ultimately women with TS have to judge the situation in each relationship for themselves. However it is important that we all remember that we should not feel inferior or that we will be automatically rejected once we disclose. In the end, if it is an issue for your prospective partner, it is THEIR issue not yours.
A relationship will succeed or fail on any number of reasons. Undeniably issues around reproduction/children are significant. However many couples have to face these issues, often completely unexpectedly. In some ways it can be easier to know that there is an issue and deal with it from the point that a relationship get serious.
The good news is that there a lot of great partners out there who are supportive and in the relationship for the long term.
Of course the moment you tell a person you are interested in forming a relationship with about your TS, you are showing that you are serious about your future. So it is a tricky balance! You risk putting someone off if you tell them too early as they may not be at a point where they want to think about things that seriously but you also risk the relationship if you leave it until things have become serious. I know at least one case where this occurred.
Interestingly sometimes good relationships have been formed when the other party has known about your TS for while so there is no need for disclosure.
Ultimately women with TS have to judge the situation in each relationship for themselves. However it is important that we all remember that we should not feel inferior or that we will be automatically rejected once we disclose. In the end, if it is an issue for your prospective partner, it is THEIR issue not yours.
A relationship will succeed or fail on any number of reasons. Undeniably issues around reproduction/children are significant. However many couples have to face these issues, often completely unexpectedly. In some ways it can be easier to know that there is an issue and deal with it from the point that a relationship get serious.
The good news is that there a lot of great partners out there who are supportive and in the relationship for the long term.
Saturday 29 May 2010
30. Disclosure pt.2- Friends
Informing friends about TS does have some similarities to informing work colleagues in that you don’t wish to be pitied or discounted as a result of telling the other person. However with close friends you hope that you can have a relationship where you can share important parts of your life. You also hope that they will give you the understanding and support you need.
This is particularly important when you are younger. Sometimes friends may not be as sensitive or understanding as you hope. Sometimes it is not appropriate to tell the friend. However it is important that a girl with TS is allowed to inform others. I was made to feel like I had no right to tell others. My mother however told her friends, and on one occasion a family friend told her two daughters in order to make them behave nicely towards me! Not good.
There have only been a handful of non TS friends I have told about my TS. Two of these were friends I was close to at school. There were also a couple of friends at university that I told.
I have another close friend I have told, although we don’t really discuss it. She has always been supportive when we have done.
I know of several women with TS who have close friendships with people who are aware of their TS. Interestingly in one case a close friendship developed with another woman who had a serious health condition.
It would be great to have a non- TS friend who I could discuss TS with regularly with. It is not a failure of any friendship that this is the case but it is indicative of the fact that most people who do not have TS do not appreciate the impact it has in your life. However perhaps the fact that it is a non-issue for friends is a good thing as they see you as yourself not as a woman with TS.
I have to say that my friendships with other TS women mean so much to me not just because of the things I can tell them but because of the things I DON’T have to tell them.
This is particularly important when you are younger. Sometimes friends may not be as sensitive or understanding as you hope. Sometimes it is not appropriate to tell the friend. However it is important that a girl with TS is allowed to inform others. I was made to feel like I had no right to tell others. My mother however told her friends, and on one occasion a family friend told her two daughters in order to make them behave nicely towards me! Not good.
There have only been a handful of non TS friends I have told about my TS. Two of these were friends I was close to at school. There were also a couple of friends at university that I told.
I have another close friend I have told, although we don’t really discuss it. She has always been supportive when we have done.
I know of several women with TS who have close friendships with people who are aware of their TS. Interestingly in one case a close friendship developed with another woman who had a serious health condition.
It would be great to have a non- TS friend who I could discuss TS with regularly with. It is not a failure of any friendship that this is the case but it is indicative of the fact that most people who do not have TS do not appreciate the impact it has in your life. However perhaps the fact that it is a non-issue for friends is a good thing as they see you as yourself not as a woman with TS.
I have to say that my friendships with other TS women mean so much to me not just because of the things I can tell them but because of the things I DON’T have to tell them.
29.Disclosure pt.1- the work place
The issue of telling others about Turners Syndrome is a vexed one. It can be difficult to know who to tell, what to tell them and when to tell them.
I will first look at the issue of telling people in the workplace.
The issue of disclosure in the work place works on several level
Firstly there is the responsibility to inform your employer. Legally there is an obligation to inform on any health form/job application. However this does not necessarily mean that the colleagues you work with need to be informed. I have never been asked to go for a medical when I have been offered a post so I do not know what the procedure would be in these cases. I know that many women with TS work in caring professions such as nursing where this may be necessary.
Then there is the issue of whether you tell your immediate line manager.
I had a very bad experience with the one line manager who I told. I have to say that the description I gave him was not a helpful one as it was highly negative in its portrayal of TS. I wanted him to know that I would respond better to being line managed in a particular manner and that I would require some understanding.
However the positive side of my experience is that I have not felt the need to tell any of my other line managers. My TS does not affect my ability to do my work and my treatment has a minimal impact in terms of having to take time off for doctor’s appointments.
A large part of why I have not told my other line managers is firstly because I do not want them thinking that I am less capable. I also do not want them to automatically assume that I will have certain issues that women with TS have such as the spacial and non-verbal communication issues. I most certainly do not want them viewing me in a particular manner because I am infertile. The descriptions of Turners syndrome in medical dictionaries and what press coverage there has been of TS are not necessarily very flattering!
I also do not want to use TS as an excuse for either poor performance or poor behaviour.
From the experiences of other women with TS I know that I have heard about, it is better not to inform your immediate line manager, particularly when there are difficulties in the relationship. It will not help resolve these difficulties and may exacerbate them.
Thirdly there is the issue of work colleagues who do not manage you. I have only told two work colleagues and they have been colleagues I have been particularly friendly with. In one case this was actually because I wanted the opinion of the colleague who knew Gabriel what his reaction may be if I told him.
I have worked in my current job for six years and the people I work with have got to know me fairy well. They know that I go for hospital appointments. They are certainly aware that I have coeliac disease and hypothyroidism. They also see me as someone who gets ill fairly regularly. I have given clues that I have a long term condition that is the cause of my other health issues.
All in all, as far as the work place is involved I am of the opinion ‘less is more'.
I will first look at the issue of telling people in the workplace.
The issue of disclosure in the work place works on several level
Firstly there is the responsibility to inform your employer. Legally there is an obligation to inform on any health form/job application. However this does not necessarily mean that the colleagues you work with need to be informed. I have never been asked to go for a medical when I have been offered a post so I do not know what the procedure would be in these cases. I know that many women with TS work in caring professions such as nursing where this may be necessary.
Then there is the issue of whether you tell your immediate line manager.
I had a very bad experience with the one line manager who I told. I have to say that the description I gave him was not a helpful one as it was highly negative in its portrayal of TS. I wanted him to know that I would respond better to being line managed in a particular manner and that I would require some understanding.
However the positive side of my experience is that I have not felt the need to tell any of my other line managers. My TS does not affect my ability to do my work and my treatment has a minimal impact in terms of having to take time off for doctor’s appointments.
A large part of why I have not told my other line managers is firstly because I do not want them thinking that I am less capable. I also do not want them to automatically assume that I will have certain issues that women with TS have such as the spacial and non-verbal communication issues. I most certainly do not want them viewing me in a particular manner because I am infertile. The descriptions of Turners syndrome in medical dictionaries and what press coverage there has been of TS are not necessarily very flattering!
I also do not want to use TS as an excuse for either poor performance or poor behaviour.
From the experiences of other women with TS I know that I have heard about, it is better not to inform your immediate line manager, particularly when there are difficulties in the relationship. It will not help resolve these difficulties and may exacerbate them.
Thirdly there is the issue of work colleagues who do not manage you. I have only told two work colleagues and they have been colleagues I have been particularly friendly with. In one case this was actually because I wanted the opinion of the colleague who knew Gabriel what his reaction may be if I told him.
I have worked in my current job for six years and the people I work with have got to know me fairy well. They know that I go for hospital appointments. They are certainly aware that I have coeliac disease and hypothyroidism. They also see me as someone who gets ill fairly regularly. I have given clues that I have a long term condition that is the cause of my other health issues.
All in all, as far as the work place is involved I am of the opinion ‘less is more'.
Saturday 15 May 2010
28. my favourite Stevie Wonder Tracks in honour of his Sixieth birthday
1. Happier than the morning sun
2. They won’t go when I go
3.Ordinary pain
4. For once in my life
5. Living for the city
6.Black man (I learnt more about US history form this song than a stack of textbooks)
7. Blame it on the sun
8. Golden lady
9. Creepin
10. Pastime paradise
11. Love a go-go
12. Hey love
13. until you come back to me
14. Never dream you’d leave in summer
15.You haven’t done nothing (with Jackson 5!)
Shout out to ‘It’s a shame’ (Spinners), Tears of a clown (Smokey Robinson and the miracles), Buttercup (Carl Anderson)
And ‘I don’t know why I love you’ especially for my Dad!
2. They won’t go when I go
3.Ordinary pain
4. For once in my life
5. Living for the city
6.Black man (I learnt more about US history form this song than a stack of textbooks)
7. Blame it on the sun
8. Golden lady
9. Creepin
10. Pastime paradise
11. Love a go-go
12. Hey love
13. until you come back to me
14. Never dream you’d leave in summer
15.You haven’t done nothing (with Jackson 5!)
Shout out to ‘It’s a shame’ (Spinners), Tears of a clown (Smokey Robinson and the miracles), Buttercup (Carl Anderson)
And ‘I don’t know why I love you’ especially for my Dad!
27. my favourite Gilberto Gil tracks
1. Refazenda
2. Toda menina Baiana
3. Domingo no parque
4. Geleia Geral
5. Aquele Abraco (‘Gilberto Gil’ 1969 version)
6. Mar de Copacabana
7. Realce
8. Flora
9. Tempo Rei (‘Gil Luminoso’ version 2006)
10. Ela
Shout out to the awesome’ Panis e circuses’ by Os Mutantes which Gilberto co-wrote with Caetano Veloso and which he recently performed live in an acoustic version.
2. Toda menina Baiana
3. Domingo no parque
4. Geleia Geral
5. Aquele Abraco (‘Gilberto Gil’ 1969 version)
6. Mar de Copacabana
7. Realce
8. Flora
9. Tempo Rei (‘Gil Luminoso’ version 2006)
10. Ela
Shout out to the awesome’ Panis e circuses’ by Os Mutantes which Gilberto co-wrote with Caetano Veloso and which he recently performed live in an acoustic version.
26. June 1942- The Man from Salvador
Gilberto Gil, along with his good friend and sometimes collaborator Caetano Veloso managed to fit being a TV talent show contestant and a political prisoner onto his CV in the same year. That itself is an achievement (and BTW he required stitches- after appearing in the TV talent show). Mind you that was in 1968 – a bit of a crazy year in Gil’s long and esteemed career.
Gilberto’s lyrics are witty and intelligent and discuss issues such as the role of the artist in society and African-Brazilian identity. Check Geleia Geral for a seriously funky exploration of Brazilian society and it’s inequalities. He has collaborated with peers such as Jorge Ben Jor and Chico Buarque (check the footage of the Brazilian military police cutting Buarques microphone while they were performing Buarques anti censorship classic ‘ Chalice) written songs for the Elis Regina and Gal Costa and been covered by many of his compatriots not least Sergio Mendes. But his most losest musical relationship is with Caetano Veloso. They were guiding lights of the Tropicalia movement which brought western rock to the Brazilian music and also helped show that other regions of Brazil (namely Bahia) had something to offer Brazilian music. The movement also challenged Brazilian notions of gender, race and sex roles. What is amazing that this was done in the very populist arena of TV talent shows! Gil and Veloso broke through in the 1967 Rede record festival. On his song ‘Domingo No parque’ Gil was joined by the group Os Mutantes. Despite its happy tune it is about the aftermath of a crime of passion. Check out the two versions of ‘procissão’ (the first sweetly acoustic, the next a manic piece of psychedelic rock courtesy of Os Mutantes) to witness what dramatic changes Tropicalia and its adherents had on Brazilian music.
But there is so much more to Gil’s career than Tropicalia. Gil has incorporated Soul, Funk and hip hop along with other genres into his music and championed obscure Brazilian musical In particular Gil got interested in Reggae while forcibly exiled in Notting Hill, London in the early 1970’s. He brought his interest with him when he returned to Brazil. He also supported the afoxe group Filhos de Gandhi.
Gil has been at the forefront of the Black consciousness movement in Brazil since the 1970’s, along with Jorge Ben Jor and continues to explore the links between Brazil and African and their peoples. He is also a proud resident of Bahia (a largely African Brazilian state). His paean to its womenfolk ‘Todo Menina Baiana’ is a song I remember with great fondness from my childhood (thanks to the mighty Peter Young)
One of Gils’ most beloved songs is Aquele Abraco which he wrote as a farewell to Brazil when he knew he was going to be exiled. It is filled with Joy and love rather than sadness and bitterness. It is a song which deliberately works best live with an audience response. Ironically It was used as a theme song for the successfully Rio de Janeiro Olympic bid!
Gilberto served as Minister of Culture under Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva between 2003-2008.
He still tours regularly and I have had the pleasure of seeing him twice in concert in the last two years (and will do again soon) He is able to play a set of over two hours more or less by himself (with his son and a Cellist accompanying him)and keep the audience completely enthralled. He still plays a .set several hours long at the Salvador Carnival! He is also a rather fine looking man!
Gilbert Gil has a great website at http://www.gilbertogil.com.br/ where most of his recorded output is available for listening to. He has written and recorded hundreds of song and you will be richly rewarded by investigating his output.
Gilberto’s lyrics are witty and intelligent and discuss issues such as the role of the artist in society and African-Brazilian identity. Check Geleia Geral for a seriously funky exploration of Brazilian society and it’s inequalities. He has collaborated with peers such as Jorge Ben Jor and Chico Buarque (check the footage of the Brazilian military police cutting Buarques microphone while they were performing Buarques anti censorship classic ‘ Chalice) written songs for the Elis Regina and Gal Costa and been covered by many of his compatriots not least Sergio Mendes. But his most losest musical relationship is with Caetano Veloso. They were guiding lights of the Tropicalia movement which brought western rock to the Brazilian music and also helped show that other regions of Brazil (namely Bahia) had something to offer Brazilian music. The movement also challenged Brazilian notions of gender, race and sex roles. What is amazing that this was done in the very populist arena of TV talent shows! Gil and Veloso broke through in the 1967 Rede record festival. On his song ‘Domingo No parque’ Gil was joined by the group Os Mutantes. Despite its happy tune it is about the aftermath of a crime of passion. Check out the two versions of ‘procissão’ (the first sweetly acoustic, the next a manic piece of psychedelic rock courtesy of Os Mutantes) to witness what dramatic changes Tropicalia and its adherents had on Brazilian music.
But there is so much more to Gil’s career than Tropicalia. Gil has incorporated Soul, Funk and hip hop along with other genres into his music and championed obscure Brazilian musical In particular Gil got interested in Reggae while forcibly exiled in Notting Hill, London in the early 1970’s. He brought his interest with him when he returned to Brazil. He also supported the afoxe group Filhos de Gandhi.
Gil has been at the forefront of the Black consciousness movement in Brazil since the 1970’s, along with Jorge Ben Jor and continues to explore the links between Brazil and African and their peoples. He is also a proud resident of Bahia (a largely African Brazilian state). His paean to its womenfolk ‘Todo Menina Baiana’ is a song I remember with great fondness from my childhood (thanks to the mighty Peter Young)
One of Gils’ most beloved songs is Aquele Abraco which he wrote as a farewell to Brazil when he knew he was going to be exiled. It is filled with Joy and love rather than sadness and bitterness. It is a song which deliberately works best live with an audience response. Ironically It was used as a theme song for the successfully Rio de Janeiro Olympic bid!
Gilberto served as Minister of Culture under Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva between 2003-2008.
He still tours regularly and I have had the pleasure of seeing him twice in concert in the last two years (and will do again soon) He is able to play a set of over two hours more or less by himself (with his son and a Cellist accompanying him)and keep the audience completely enthralled. He still plays a .set several hours long at the Salvador Carnival! He is also a rather fine looking man!
Gilbert Gil has a great website at http://www.gilbertogil.com.br/ where most of his recorded output is available for listening to. He has written and recorded hundreds of song and you will be richly rewarded by investigating his output.
Sunday 9 May 2010
25: A walk in the Garden of Eden
I have just come back from a trip to the village outside Dublin where I lived between the ages of seven and ten. Although I have visited the village several times in the last four years this is the first time a thought hit me.
As it said in an earlier entry it was soon after my family returned from Dublin to Ireland that I was diagnosed with Turners Syndrome. It was traumatic enough to be uprooted from a quiet Dublin village where you knew most people (and certainly most of th children of your age), could get to the seaside in a few minutes in the car and go walking down country lanes which were a couple of minutes away from your home to a London suburb, where you knew few of your neighbours, and a school with some decidedly tough girls! I recall writing a lot of short stories at school which were set in this village at the time as a way of remembering it.
There were a number of issues around my education when I came to London. Firstly the headmistress in the primary school I went into did not know what level I would be at educationally so she decided to classify me as remedial. I was bullied by the teacher in the class I went into, possibly because of this classification. When I went to secondary school it became very apparent that I was not remedial. This meant that I never fitted in with the class I was put in that first year and that when I was held back to do the first year of secondary school again the friends I had made in primary school were a year above me.
Being classified as remedial had a considerable impact on my self esteem and confidence as was the first of several experiences of being underestimated by others.
However another issue was that the girls in London were more somewhat more mature than the girls I was at school with in Dublin. My Mum believes I missed out a critical couple of years of social development. This may be why I never fully felt like I fitted in at school and why I still find it difficult to fit in with my peers.
Of course both these issues have nothing to do with TS, but they contributed developing issues of how I viewed myself and how I related to my peers. However being diagnosed with TS was the thing which caused the biggest breach for me from my peers.
As I was walking around the village a couple of days ago, it struck me that not one moment of my time there was affected by TS. As far as anyone knew I had the same possibilities in life as my peers. I was a girl, not a girl with TS. How others, particularly my parents viewed me was not yet altered.
Indeed it struck me that for me this village represented an age of innocence and grace. I had not yet suffered ‘the fall’. I had not yet gained some hard earned knowledge.
Perhaps this was part of the reason why it took me 21 years to return to the village and why I enjoy returning there now.
However I cannot help but be grateful that I was diagnosed soon after my return to London. However difficult the knowledge has been, it has meant that I got the medical treatment that I needed and that I was able to integrate my infertility into my plans for my future.
Returning to the village also reminded me how much my parents care about me and how much they have provided me with throughout my life.
As it said in an earlier entry it was soon after my family returned from Dublin to Ireland that I was diagnosed with Turners Syndrome. It was traumatic enough to be uprooted from a quiet Dublin village where you knew most people (and certainly most of th children of your age), could get to the seaside in a few minutes in the car and go walking down country lanes which were a couple of minutes away from your home to a London suburb, where you knew few of your neighbours, and a school with some decidedly tough girls! I recall writing a lot of short stories at school which were set in this village at the time as a way of remembering it.
There were a number of issues around my education when I came to London. Firstly the headmistress in the primary school I went into did not know what level I would be at educationally so she decided to classify me as remedial. I was bullied by the teacher in the class I went into, possibly because of this classification. When I went to secondary school it became very apparent that I was not remedial. This meant that I never fitted in with the class I was put in that first year and that when I was held back to do the first year of secondary school again the friends I had made in primary school were a year above me.
Being classified as remedial had a considerable impact on my self esteem and confidence as was the first of several experiences of being underestimated by others.
However another issue was that the girls in London were more somewhat more mature than the girls I was at school with in Dublin. My Mum believes I missed out a critical couple of years of social development. This may be why I never fully felt like I fitted in at school and why I still find it difficult to fit in with my peers.
Of course both these issues have nothing to do with TS, but they contributed developing issues of how I viewed myself and how I related to my peers. However being diagnosed with TS was the thing which caused the biggest breach for me from my peers.
As I was walking around the village a couple of days ago, it struck me that not one moment of my time there was affected by TS. As far as anyone knew I had the same possibilities in life as my peers. I was a girl, not a girl with TS. How others, particularly my parents viewed me was not yet altered.
Indeed it struck me that for me this village represented an age of innocence and grace. I had not yet suffered ‘the fall’. I had not yet gained some hard earned knowledge.
Perhaps this was part of the reason why it took me 21 years to return to the village and why I enjoy returning there now.
However I cannot help but be grateful that I was diagnosed soon after my return to London. However difficult the knowledge has been, it has meant that I got the medical treatment that I needed and that I was able to integrate my infertility into my plans for my future.
Returning to the village also reminded me how much my parents care about me and how much they have provided me with throughout my life.
Saturday 8 May 2010
24: Meeting Lucy again..
In the spring of 1997 the CGF send me the contact details for a young woman with TS who lived in Surrey. She was the same age as me. She lived a short train journey away so I telephoned her to meet up.
I was extremely excited about this meeting Lucy. It was great to have another woman with TS so near to where I lived who I could meet up with regularly.
One Saturday I waited outside a train station looking for a lady who looked how Lucy described herself. I saw a woman who did and we introduced ourselves. We went for a coffee and started telling each other about our lives.
It was a lovely sunny day so we sat out in a park where we ate the sandwiches which we had brought for lunch. I was sure that it was Lucy that I had meet when I was about 12. I asked her but she was not sure. We met up with my sister who was then working near where Lucy lived.
When we spoke again that evening Lucy confirmed that we had met and talked about the picture her mum took of us.
Over that summer we exchanged many letters and telephone calls. We had a lot to discuss when the David Skuse controversy broke that summer (more of which anon!). I sent Lucy copies of the press coverage, some of which amused her considerably. We agreed to go to the Turner’s Syndrome international conference in Coventry in July that year.
Of all the friends I have with TS my friendship with Lucy is the most significant and the one which has changed my life. She has encouraged me in so many ways. I am so grateful that she has been part of my live for the past thirteen years.
I was extremely excited about this meeting Lucy. It was great to have another woman with TS so near to where I lived who I could meet up with regularly.
One Saturday I waited outside a train station looking for a lady who looked how Lucy described herself. I saw a woman who did and we introduced ourselves. We went for a coffee and started telling each other about our lives.
It was a lovely sunny day so we sat out in a park where we ate the sandwiches which we had brought for lunch. I was sure that it was Lucy that I had meet when I was about 12. I asked her but she was not sure. We met up with my sister who was then working near where Lucy lived.
When we spoke again that evening Lucy confirmed that we had met and talked about the picture her mum took of us.
Over that summer we exchanged many letters and telephone calls. We had a lot to discuss when the David Skuse controversy broke that summer (more of which anon!). I sent Lucy copies of the press coverage, some of which amused her considerably. We agreed to go to the Turner’s Syndrome international conference in Coventry in July that year.
Of all the friends I have with TS my friendship with Lucy is the most significant and the one which has changed my life. She has encouraged me in so many ways. I am so grateful that she has been part of my live for the past thirteen years.
Monday 26 April 2010
23: My first TS Conference & my first TS Friendship
About 18 years ago while I was in my first year at university (now there is a scary though!) I got a clipping about the Child Growth Foundation (CGF) under whom the UK Turners syndrome support group was run at the time. I was sent this clipping by the aunt who was in the room when my mum told me the full extent of TS.
I got in contact and found out that there was to be a conference in Birmingham where I was studying. I did not have the money to attend the entire conference but the CGF was happy for me to come along and attend some of the sessions on the Saturday.
I was supposed to be on a bonding weekend for a University Society that I was on at the time but made my excuses and went off to the conference.
It was a fairly emotional experience being around so many other women with TS. I had been to a CGF conference with my parents when I was about 12 but not interacted with anyone else. The last time I had met someone with TS was when I met Lucy when I was eleven- I was now twenty years old.
There had recently been a controversy in the UK about the potential use of eggs from aborted foetuses. The woman who ran the TS branch of the CGF, who was the mother of a young woman with TS, was very excited by this development. She had been on a TV programme discussing this a few month earlier on Channel 4. I had actually gone on their programme ‘Right to reply’ saying it would have been better having a woman with TS speak about the issue, rather than a mother of a young girl (her daughter was six at the time). Needless to say I felt somewhat awkward when I saw her!
There was a report on the Turners’ Syndrome international conference in Canada, and recent research into TS.
It was a relief to meet the other women with TS and see how well adjusted and ‘normal’ they were.
When I got back to my student digs that evening I knew I had made the right choice how to spend the day. I had begun to find a community of other women with TS and understand I was very far from alone.
In 1995 the CGF put me in contact with a woman with TS in Edinburgh called Nula. We started writing to each other and swapped stories about our lives. I was impressed with her intelligence. After corresponding for several months we agreed to meet up in the spring of 1996 in Leicester Square with a group of other women with TS who had gone to see the musical in London. I did not go to the musical but did go for a pizza with the group. I was delighted to finally meet Nula. We chatted about the film version of ‘Trainspotting’ which had recently come out. When we went for the pizza I was sat next to a lady who covered her mouth when she spoke which I found a bit disconcerting! It was sad to see that for at least a couple of the women, their Ts had caused significant emotional issues. I would come to know some of these ladies over the next few years.
I am still regularly in contact with Nuala and occasionally go up to Edinburgh to see her. I find her a very inspiring woman. I enjoy the fact that we can discuss a wide range of issues such as veganism (Nuala is vegan and I am attempting to be as vegan as my coeliac disease will allow!), public transport policy in Edinburgh and London as well as issues around TS. My friendship with Nuala showed me other women with TS are highly intelligent, thoughtful and most significantly that I can have a friendship with other women with TS which is based on more than having TS
I got in contact and found out that there was to be a conference in Birmingham where I was studying. I did not have the money to attend the entire conference but the CGF was happy for me to come along and attend some of the sessions on the Saturday.
I was supposed to be on a bonding weekend for a University Society that I was on at the time but made my excuses and went off to the conference.
It was a fairly emotional experience being around so many other women with TS. I had been to a CGF conference with my parents when I was about 12 but not interacted with anyone else. The last time I had met someone with TS was when I met Lucy when I was eleven- I was now twenty years old.
There had recently been a controversy in the UK about the potential use of eggs from aborted foetuses. The woman who ran the TS branch of the CGF, who was the mother of a young woman with TS, was very excited by this development. She had been on a TV programme discussing this a few month earlier on Channel 4. I had actually gone on their programme ‘Right to reply’ saying it would have been better having a woman with TS speak about the issue, rather than a mother of a young girl (her daughter was six at the time). Needless to say I felt somewhat awkward when I saw her!
There was a report on the Turners’ Syndrome international conference in Canada, and recent research into TS.
It was a relief to meet the other women with TS and see how well adjusted and ‘normal’ they were.
When I got back to my student digs that evening I knew I had made the right choice how to spend the day. I had begun to find a community of other women with TS and understand I was very far from alone.
In 1995 the CGF put me in contact with a woman with TS in Edinburgh called Nula. We started writing to each other and swapped stories about our lives. I was impressed with her intelligence. After corresponding for several months we agreed to meet up in the spring of 1996 in Leicester Square with a group of other women with TS who had gone to see the musical in London. I did not go to the musical but did go for a pizza with the group. I was delighted to finally meet Nula. We chatted about the film version of ‘Trainspotting’ which had recently come out. When we went for the pizza I was sat next to a lady who covered her mouth when she spoke which I found a bit disconcerting! It was sad to see that for at least a couple of the women, their Ts had caused significant emotional issues. I would come to know some of these ladies over the next few years.
I am still regularly in contact with Nuala and occasionally go up to Edinburgh to see her. I find her a very inspiring woman. I enjoy the fact that we can discuss a wide range of issues such as veganism (Nuala is vegan and I am attempting to be as vegan as my coeliac disease will allow!), public transport policy in Edinburgh and London as well as issues around TS. My friendship with Nuala showed me other women with TS are highly intelligent, thoughtful and most significantly that I can have a friendship with other women with TS which is based on more than having TS
Saturday 17 April 2010
22: Thoughts on infertility
I will always hold that I have never really had a problem with being infertile. However what I have a major problem with is how other people’s attitudes towards infertility.
As I said in an earlier blog, I never saw becoming a mother as something that I particularly wanted for myself. When I found out that I was infertile when I was eleven it was no particularly distressing for me and I did not have to rethink what I wanted out of life. But my mother was very distressed on my behalf. I love her for this. But from the beginning it indicated that this was more of an issue for other people and what they perceived as a woman’s role in life.
In spite of the work done by the feminist movement from the 1960’s onwards, there is still an expectation that a woman will find herself a husband/partner and become a mother. We live in a culture which pushes the idea of the ‘nuclear’ family as the norm. It does not help that political parties here in the UK (especially the Conservatives) place families on a pedestal. The message comes across loud and clear that if you are not a parent you are not as valuable a member of society.
Moreover if you are not a fertile woman, you are perceived as not an attractive potential partner and any man who becomes your partner is somehow a saint for doing this.
The only time infertility gets discussed in the media or books, it is in the context of fertility treatment. People who are infertile (particularly women) are portrayed as objects of pity. IVF is pushed as a ‘cure’. It is automatically assumed that if you are infertile, you must be devastated by this and want to overcome this fact. There is little if any discussion about what it means to be infertile in this society. There is little if any discussion about actually embracing and accepting being infertile. There is little if any discussion about the effects of other people’s expectations and the pressures these bring. There is never any discussion about accepting the fact of infertility and integrating it into your life and what you can achieve. There is never any mention that some women may not have wanted to become mothers in the first place.
Choosing to do nothing about your infertility is as much a choice as going through IVF and should be appreciated as such. It should also be respected as a choice. But the idea that an infertile woman may be accepting and embracing of her condition is something that does not enter the discussion.
A woman can be many things and achieve so much without being a mother. She can create so many things. But being a mother is still seen as the definition of what it means to be a woman.
I have noticed more since members of my immediate family have had children, just how significant this attitude is. My parents make it very obvious that they value my brother who has children far more than me, not by what they say, but by their actions and the amount of time they spend with my brother’s family. I regularly feel like I am an afterthought and that any issues I may have in my life are insignificant. I have tried discussing this with my mother but she finds this a difficult thing to accept. This adds to my feelings of alienation both from my parents and family. My parents are devout Catholics from Irish backgrounds. They know a lot of single childless women but the focus on traditional family life within Catholicism may be part of why we find it difficult to understand each other. I do not mean to be hard on my parents and love them but have to acknowledge this as an issue. From conversations I have had with other women with TS it is clear that I am not alone in my experiences.
Within my group of friends with TS I have found many different attitudes towards infertility. One good friend has been profoundly marked by her infertility and how she views her opportunities in life. Another friend is beginning to understand the long term implications of being childless as she enters her fifties. Another friend has successfully gone through IVF twice. Many women in the group who have partners have gone through the processes of adoption and IVF. At least one friend shares my view that infertility does not mean the end of the world and that accepting childlessness can be a pro-active decision.
I accept and embrace my infertility. It has been part of my identity since I was eleven and has informed how I live my life.
In closing I will just say that the issue of infertility is the main reason why earlier diagnosis is important and why any girl with TS needs to be informed about this issue as early as possible. It will help her deal with all the myriad issues around infertility as early as possible and help her make the choices she needs to make.
As I said in an earlier blog, I never saw becoming a mother as something that I particularly wanted for myself. When I found out that I was infertile when I was eleven it was no particularly distressing for me and I did not have to rethink what I wanted out of life. But my mother was very distressed on my behalf. I love her for this. But from the beginning it indicated that this was more of an issue for other people and what they perceived as a woman’s role in life.
In spite of the work done by the feminist movement from the 1960’s onwards, there is still an expectation that a woman will find herself a husband/partner and become a mother. We live in a culture which pushes the idea of the ‘nuclear’ family as the norm. It does not help that political parties here in the UK (especially the Conservatives) place families on a pedestal. The message comes across loud and clear that if you are not a parent you are not as valuable a member of society.
Moreover if you are not a fertile woman, you are perceived as not an attractive potential partner and any man who becomes your partner is somehow a saint for doing this.
The only time infertility gets discussed in the media or books, it is in the context of fertility treatment. People who are infertile (particularly women) are portrayed as objects of pity. IVF is pushed as a ‘cure’. It is automatically assumed that if you are infertile, you must be devastated by this and want to overcome this fact. There is little if any discussion about what it means to be infertile in this society. There is little if any discussion about actually embracing and accepting being infertile. There is little if any discussion about the effects of other people’s expectations and the pressures these bring. There is never any discussion about accepting the fact of infertility and integrating it into your life and what you can achieve. There is never any mention that some women may not have wanted to become mothers in the first place.
Choosing to do nothing about your infertility is as much a choice as going through IVF and should be appreciated as such. It should also be respected as a choice. But the idea that an infertile woman may be accepting and embracing of her condition is something that does not enter the discussion.
A woman can be many things and achieve so much without being a mother. She can create so many things. But being a mother is still seen as the definition of what it means to be a woman.
I have noticed more since members of my immediate family have had children, just how significant this attitude is. My parents make it very obvious that they value my brother who has children far more than me, not by what they say, but by their actions and the amount of time they spend with my brother’s family. I regularly feel like I am an afterthought and that any issues I may have in my life are insignificant. I have tried discussing this with my mother but she finds this a difficult thing to accept. This adds to my feelings of alienation both from my parents and family. My parents are devout Catholics from Irish backgrounds. They know a lot of single childless women but the focus on traditional family life within Catholicism may be part of why we find it difficult to understand each other. I do not mean to be hard on my parents and love them but have to acknowledge this as an issue. From conversations I have had with other women with TS it is clear that I am not alone in my experiences.
Within my group of friends with TS I have found many different attitudes towards infertility. One good friend has been profoundly marked by her infertility and how she views her opportunities in life. Another friend is beginning to understand the long term implications of being childless as she enters her fifties. Another friend has successfully gone through IVF twice. Many women in the group who have partners have gone through the processes of adoption and IVF. At least one friend shares my view that infertility does not mean the end of the world and that accepting childlessness can be a pro-active decision.
I accept and embrace my infertility. It has been part of my identity since I was eleven and has informed how I live my life.
In closing I will just say that the issue of infertility is the main reason why earlier diagnosis is important and why any girl with TS needs to be informed about this issue as early as possible. It will help her deal with all the myriad issues around infertility as early as possible and help her make the choices she needs to make.
Monday 12 April 2010
21. My favourite Beach Boys Tracks
1. Cabinessence
2. Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder
3. I’d love just once to see you
4. Busy doing nothing
5. I guess I just wasn’t made for these times
6. Don’t worry baby
7. Let him run wild
8. ‘Til I die
9. God only knows
10. She knows me too well
& some solo gems
1. Love and Mercy
2. Midnight’s another day
3. Melt way
4. Getting n over my head
5. Soul searching
& some gems from the vaults
Wonderful (1966/7 demo)
Wind chimes (1966/7 demo)
Surf’s up (1966/7 demo)
Don’t talk (1966 demo)
20. June 1942 (to Murry and Audree Wilson of Hawthorne, Ca.)- This is a dumb angel gazette
Brian Douglas Wilson has a special place in my heart. Although there is such sadness at the heart of
his story there is also much triumph and joy.
Many musicians set out to make the greatest album of all time- but only Brian can be said to achieved it with Pet Sounds. But he also achieved his other ambition to make people feel loved and happy with its music. Pet Sounds is the album which makes me feel good when no other does.
Much has been written about the long delayed follow up to ‘Pet Sounds’ ‘Smile’ so I don’t want to add too much. Just to say that even without being released for 37 years, the album has been more influential and discussed than most legally released albums. Indeed several acts have taken different aspects of what Brain was doing with Smile and ran with it. Heck there are several albums which were attempts to make sense of ‘Smile’s fragments or owe a lot to what Brian was doing (such as the Flaming Lips ‘Soft Bulletin’ High Llama’s ‘Hawaii’, Olivia Tremor Control’s ‘Dusk at the cubist castle’, Of Montreal’s ‘Gay parade’)
Of Course Brian has had the last word. Even thought it took 37 years to complete, it was still ahead of its time.
One of the main reasons I love Brian and his music so music is that he is almost an anti-rock star. While most rock music made in the 1960’s-1970’s by men was suffused with swagger, sexual (over)confidence and not a little aggression, Brian presented a gentler, most wistful vision of masculinity. He is not afraid to show vulnerability and tenderness. This may be why for many years he was unfashionable. But over time the quality of his music and productions have proved themselves.
It is interesting to note that Brian is more beloved and understood among the indie/alternative music community than he is in the mainstream. I love the fact that he was an inspiration to the Velvet Underground and Cream.
I can honestly say that seeing Brian performing. Smile is the nearest thing to a transcendental experience I have ever had. I have once sort of met Brian at a CD signing- I called up ‘God bless you’ to you and he smiled back at me.
I hope Brian knows how much love and joy his music has brought to his thousands of fans and that this love and the expectations that come with it do not overwhelm him. I hope he gets to make whatever music he wants
his story there is also much triumph and joy.
Many musicians set out to make the greatest album of all time- but only Brian can be said to achieved it with Pet Sounds. But he also achieved his other ambition to make people feel loved and happy with its music. Pet Sounds is the album which makes me feel good when no other does.
Much has been written about the long delayed follow up to ‘Pet Sounds’ ‘Smile’ so I don’t want to add too much. Just to say that even without being released for 37 years, the album has been more influential and discussed than most legally released albums. Indeed several acts have taken different aspects of what Brain was doing with Smile and ran with it. Heck there are several albums which were attempts to make sense of ‘Smile’s fragments or owe a lot to what Brian was doing (such as the Flaming Lips ‘Soft Bulletin’ High Llama’s ‘Hawaii’, Olivia Tremor Control’s ‘Dusk at the cubist castle’, Of Montreal’s ‘Gay parade’)
Of Course Brian has had the last word. Even thought it took 37 years to complete, it was still ahead of its time.
One of the main reasons I love Brian and his music so music is that he is almost an anti-rock star. While most rock music made in the 1960’s-1970’s by men was suffused with swagger, sexual (over)confidence and not a little aggression, Brian presented a gentler, most wistful vision of masculinity. He is not afraid to show vulnerability and tenderness. This may be why for many years he was unfashionable. But over time the quality of his music and productions have proved themselves.
It is interesting to note that Brian is more beloved and understood among the indie/alternative music community than he is in the mainstream. I love the fact that he was an inspiration to the Velvet Underground and Cream.
I can honestly say that seeing Brian performing. Smile is the nearest thing to a transcendental experience I have ever had. I have once sort of met Brian at a CD signing- I called up ‘God bless you’ to you and he smiled back at me.
I hope Brian knows how much love and joy his music has brought to his thousands of fans and that this love and the expectations that come with it do not overwhelm him. I hope he gets to make whatever music he wants
Monday 5 April 2010
19. My favourite Paul McCartney Beatle Songs
1. The Long and winding road (Let it be naked version)
2. Helter Skelter
3. Got to get you into my life
4. Let it be
5. Hey Jude
6. Hello, Goodbye
7. I will
8. She’s leaving home
9. Back in the USSR
10. I’m down
Some solo/Wings tracks I like-
Maybe I’m amazed
London town
With a little luck
Shout out also to ‘Step inside love’
2. Helter Skelter
3. Got to get you into my life
4. Let it be
5. Hey Jude
6. Hello, Goodbye
7. I will
8. She’s leaving home
9. Back in the USSR
10. I’m down
Some solo/Wings tracks I like-
Maybe I’m amazed
London town
With a little luck
Shout out also to ‘Step inside love’
18. June 1942 (to Jim and Mary McCartney of Liverpool)- it’s a Mac attack
While George always has and always will be my favourite Beatle, have I to doff my cap to Paul. If for no other reason than he is seriously under-rated. Paul has an image as a cuddly inoffensive figure since the 1970’s. John Lennon’s tragic and appalling early death, his obvious interest in the avant-garde (as witnessed in his marriage to Yoko Ono) and his political activity have mean that he has always been seen as more credible. However over the last few years there has been a long overdue reassessment of McCartney’s contribution to popular culture (the loss of his beloved Linda and breakdown of his second marriage must help).
McCartney stayed in London throughout the Sixties while the other Beatles settled in the commuter belt. This enabled him to keep in contact with what was going on artistically. He had an interest in electronic music going back to 1965, creating the legendary lost track ‘Carnival of light’ which he recorded almost 18 months before John recorded ‘revolution’.
It is telling to compare the way John and Paul expressed their grief at their loss of their mother’s in their teenage years. John’s songs ‘Julia’ ‘Mother’ and ‘my Mummy’s dead’ are highly personal and particular to his experience of losing his mother Julia. They are also emotionally raw. Paul’s ‘Let it be’ imagines his dead mother Mary comforting him during the break-up of the Beatles. In doing so he wrote something which becomes a song which speaks more universally and become a song which has brought comfort to many.
It is also noticeable that McCartney compositions tend to be considerably more popular with Soul artists than Lennon’s. Among the tremendous soul versions of McCartney’s songs I particularly like are ‘Yesterday’ by Marvin Gaye and also the Impressions, ‘Hey Jude’ by Wilson Picket, ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin (amongst hundreds of soul versions of his songs). (Indeed McCartney is much respected by the other members of the June42 club to the point that Brian Wilson and Gilberto Gil both covered different songs of his from Sgt. Pepper ‘She’s leaving home’ and ‘when I’m 64’ in their recent concerts)
McCartney also has also in the last few years been very consciously keeping up to date with what is going on in popular music. He appeared on Super Furry Animals track ‘Receptacle for the respectable’ crunching vegetables in a tribute to his doing the same thing for Brian Wilson in 1967. He also created a dance act ‘Fireman’.
McCartney took stewardship of the Beatles in the difficult period after Brian Epstein’s death. He was also generous in writing and producing other acts.
Kudos to McCartney for releasing a genuinely politically contentious song ‘Give Ireland back to the Irish’ in 1972. This was banned by the BBC. Kudos also for releasing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ as a pointed response to the controversy surrounding this song.
I also have to say that ‘ let me roll it’ his generous response to John Lennon’s ‘How do you sleep’ stands enormously in his favour.
All in all Sir Macca we salute you. And you were right about the 'Let it be' album. Have to admire that you were so bothered, you got the original released 34 years on.
McCartney stayed in London throughout the Sixties while the other Beatles settled in the commuter belt. This enabled him to keep in contact with what was going on artistically. He had an interest in electronic music going back to 1965, creating the legendary lost track ‘Carnival of light’ which he recorded almost 18 months before John recorded ‘revolution’.
It is telling to compare the way John and Paul expressed their grief at their loss of their mother’s in their teenage years. John’s songs ‘Julia’ ‘Mother’ and ‘my Mummy’s dead’ are highly personal and particular to his experience of losing his mother Julia. They are also emotionally raw. Paul’s ‘Let it be’ imagines his dead mother Mary comforting him during the break-up of the Beatles. In doing so he wrote something which becomes a song which speaks more universally and become a song which has brought comfort to many.
It is also noticeable that McCartney compositions tend to be considerably more popular with Soul artists than Lennon’s. Among the tremendous soul versions of McCartney’s songs I particularly like are ‘Yesterday’ by Marvin Gaye and also the Impressions, ‘Hey Jude’ by Wilson Picket, ‘Eleanor Rigby’ by Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin (amongst hundreds of soul versions of his songs). (Indeed McCartney is much respected by the other members of the June42 club to the point that Brian Wilson and Gilberto Gil both covered different songs of his from Sgt. Pepper ‘She’s leaving home’ and ‘when I’m 64’ in their recent concerts)
McCartney also has also in the last few years been very consciously keeping up to date with what is going on in popular music. He appeared on Super Furry Animals track ‘Receptacle for the respectable’ crunching vegetables in a tribute to his doing the same thing for Brian Wilson in 1967. He also created a dance act ‘Fireman’.
McCartney took stewardship of the Beatles in the difficult period after Brian Epstein’s death. He was also generous in writing and producing other acts.
Kudos to McCartney for releasing a genuinely politically contentious song ‘Give Ireland back to the Irish’ in 1972. This was banned by the BBC. Kudos also for releasing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ as a pointed response to the controversy surrounding this song.
I also have to say that ‘ let me roll it’ his generous response to John Lennon’s ‘How do you sleep’ stands enormously in his favour.
All in all Sir Macca we salute you. And you were right about the 'Let it be' album. Have to admire that you were so bothered, you got the original released 34 years on.
Sunday 4 April 2010
17: Conversations with Lucy
I have referred in an earlier post to my friendship with Lucy. I will go further into how we became reacquainted in a later post but want to share a few thought about our friendship here.
Lucy and I were born within a year of each other to young parents. Both our families are Catholic with strong ties to Ireland. We have some strong women for our aunts. We have younger brothers with families. We both have been close to our Grandmothers.
Lucy often says to me that I get things that others do not. We have both struggled to feel taken seriously by older members of our families (usually the generation above). Often it is female relatives (usually aunts!) who can be an issue. We often feel as though our achievements and ability to live our lives independently count for little. We know that our families do not mean to do this but are often unaware that they are patronizing us and do not realize how much we have dealt with in our lives and what we are capable of. This is not to say that we do not love our families.
We have both struggled to be taken seriously in the work place, despite how we apply ourselves and our best efforts to achieve results.
Lucy travelled around the USA and Canada by herself for three months about a decade ago. She has run her own household since she returned. She also runs a local TS support group, which believe me requires considerable organizational skills! She took a large role in looking after a family member who was ill over a three year period (part of which involved taking them to many hospital appointments).
I have a masters in librarianship, a mortgage and a pension yet am treated as though I am little more than a teenager.
Lucy has a very unselfish and accepting nature and always manages to make us feel good when we are with her. She enriches our lives with her generous spirit.
There is unfortunately ‘Little women, little minds’ syndrome which many women with TS have to deal with. Women with TS also are often more accommodating and less complaining than most people. We have so much to offer and I am so glad that I have Lucy and other women with TS as good friends. It is often what you do not have to say or explain that is important.
Lucy and I were born within a year of each other to young parents. Both our families are Catholic with strong ties to Ireland. We have some strong women for our aunts. We have younger brothers with families. We both have been close to our Grandmothers.
Lucy often says to me that I get things that others do not. We have both struggled to feel taken seriously by older members of our families (usually the generation above). Often it is female relatives (usually aunts!) who can be an issue. We often feel as though our achievements and ability to live our lives independently count for little. We know that our families do not mean to do this but are often unaware that they are patronizing us and do not realize how much we have dealt with in our lives and what we are capable of. This is not to say that we do not love our families.
We have both struggled to be taken seriously in the work place, despite how we apply ourselves and our best efforts to achieve results.
Lucy travelled around the USA and Canada by herself for three months about a decade ago. She has run her own household since she returned. She also runs a local TS support group, which believe me requires considerable organizational skills! She took a large role in looking after a family member who was ill over a three year period (part of which involved taking them to many hospital appointments).
I have a masters in librarianship, a mortgage and a pension yet am treated as though I am little more than a teenager.
Lucy has a very unselfish and accepting nature and always manages to make us feel good when we are with her. She enriches our lives with her generous spirit.
There is unfortunately ‘Little women, little minds’ syndrome which many women with TS have to deal with. Women with TS also are often more accommodating and less complaining than most people. We have so much to offer and I am so glad that I have Lucy and other women with TS as good friends. It is often what you do not have to say or explain that is important.
Saturday 3 April 2010
16: Ain’t no place like Motown…
Julien Temple: Requiem for Detroit /Michael Moore: Capitalism a love story
I recently saw the above two films. There were some interesting comparisons between them.
Julien Temple's film both tells the story of the automobile industry in Detroit and the effect that its decline has had on the city. He talks to local figures including Martha Reeves and John Sinclair about their memories of the city and what they feel about its current situation.
Temple's footage shows a ghostly city whose main industrial buildings and communities are deserted and run down.
The film argues that Detroit has suffered as a result of the short sighted profiteering of those who ran the 'Big three' car companies. They pushed automatic obsolescence and larger more fuel inefficient models such as SUVs, rather than develop new technology. While this lead to boom times during the 1910’s-1920’s and after World War Two over the long term it has meant that the ‘Big Three’ have suffered in last few years as people look for more fuel efficient cars.
The film also explores how the development of post war communities in the suburbs further added to Detroit’s decline and undermined what limited social cohesion there was. The city also has had serious racial divisions, which finally erupted into the major riots of 1967 (which arguably the city has never recovered from).
Temple, who has made documentaries about the Sex Pistols and Clash makes regular references to Detroit’s rich musical history which includes John Lee Hooker, Iggy pop and Eminen as well as Motown.
The footage of the derelict spaces in Detroit is truly astonishing. As one commentator says nature is beginning to reclaim the city. Nature seems to be avenging itself on the city which did most to perpetuate the culture of the car which has had such disastrous consequences for the environment.
There are signs of regeneration in Detroit. However this has happened more as a result of local community activism than any government or business actions. In particular Detroit is at the forefront of the ‘Urban agriculture’ movement which has been lead by elderly Detroiters who originally came from the deep south. Ironically Detroit may now offer a vision of a more environmentally sustainable city.
Anyone who has followed Michael Moore's career will be familiar with the devastation on the closure of the GM plant has had on his home city of Flint, about 70 miles from Detroit.
Moore’s latest film is an exploration of the effects that lassiez-faire capitalism on the USA over the last thirty years. He explores how average American’s have been pushed into debt and poverty as their terms of employment and pay have been reduced, as the power of financial institutions and corporations have increased.
Moore explores the low pay of airline pilots and something called ‘dead peasant’ policies by which corporations are able to take out large insurance policies on their employees.
Moore also discusses the bank bail-out showing how the banks managed to exploit the situation to get a massive government handout.
Moore finishes his film on a positive note, showing Americans taking non-violent peaceful action to reclaim their homes and workplaces and working together.
Moore is obviously still very passionate and funny about the inequalities in US society. However as he says at the end he is tired of doing this and hopes others will take up the cause. Being made a hate figure to the US right has obviously affected him. I hope he will continue to makes films as he still has a considerable amount to say and has been proved right over the long term (compare Requiem for Detroit to his film ‘Roger and Me’ about the effect that GM’ closure of its Flint plant). He reflects on the irony that Flint temporarily was used as a base for banks to send out repossession notices.
Moore also interestingly defends the left wing Roman Catholic clergy of his native Michigan
Both films refer to the Flint strike of 1936-1937 and use the music of Iggy Pop to express the rage of the working American. Both films celebrate the survival of the human spirit and community in the face of an uncaring system. That has to be a good thing.
I recently saw the above two films. There were some interesting comparisons between them.
Julien Temple's film both tells the story of the automobile industry in Detroit and the effect that its decline has had on the city. He talks to local figures including Martha Reeves and John Sinclair about their memories of the city and what they feel about its current situation.
Temple's footage shows a ghostly city whose main industrial buildings and communities are deserted and run down.
The film argues that Detroit has suffered as a result of the short sighted profiteering of those who ran the 'Big three' car companies. They pushed automatic obsolescence and larger more fuel inefficient models such as SUVs, rather than develop new technology. While this lead to boom times during the 1910’s-1920’s and after World War Two over the long term it has meant that the ‘Big Three’ have suffered in last few years as people look for more fuel efficient cars.
The film also explores how the development of post war communities in the suburbs further added to Detroit’s decline and undermined what limited social cohesion there was. The city also has had serious racial divisions, which finally erupted into the major riots of 1967 (which arguably the city has never recovered from).
Temple, who has made documentaries about the Sex Pistols and Clash makes regular references to Detroit’s rich musical history which includes John Lee Hooker, Iggy pop and Eminen as well as Motown.
The footage of the derelict spaces in Detroit is truly astonishing. As one commentator says nature is beginning to reclaim the city. Nature seems to be avenging itself on the city which did most to perpetuate the culture of the car which has had such disastrous consequences for the environment.
There are signs of regeneration in Detroit. However this has happened more as a result of local community activism than any government or business actions. In particular Detroit is at the forefront of the ‘Urban agriculture’ movement which has been lead by elderly Detroiters who originally came from the deep south. Ironically Detroit may now offer a vision of a more environmentally sustainable city.
Anyone who has followed Michael Moore's career will be familiar with the devastation on the closure of the GM plant has had on his home city of Flint, about 70 miles from Detroit.
Moore’s latest film is an exploration of the effects that lassiez-faire capitalism on the USA over the last thirty years. He explores how average American’s have been pushed into debt and poverty as their terms of employment and pay have been reduced, as the power of financial institutions and corporations have increased.
Moore explores the low pay of airline pilots and something called ‘dead peasant’ policies by which corporations are able to take out large insurance policies on their employees.
Moore also discusses the bank bail-out showing how the banks managed to exploit the situation to get a massive government handout.
Moore finishes his film on a positive note, showing Americans taking non-violent peaceful action to reclaim their homes and workplaces and working together.
Moore is obviously still very passionate and funny about the inequalities in US society. However as he says at the end he is tired of doing this and hopes others will take up the cause. Being made a hate figure to the US right has obviously affected him. I hope he will continue to makes films as he still has a considerable amount to say and has been proved right over the long term (compare Requiem for Detroit to his film ‘Roger and Me’ about the effect that GM’ closure of its Flint plant). He reflects on the irony that Flint temporarily was used as a base for banks to send out repossession notices.
Moore also interestingly defends the left wing Roman Catholic clergy of his native Michigan
Both films refer to the Flint strike of 1936-1937 and use the music of Iggy Pop to express the rage of the working American. Both films celebrate the survival of the human spirit and community in the face of an uncaring system. That has to be a good thing.
Tuesday 30 March 2010
15: Gabriel- reflecting on
I spend the rest of Pentecost Sunday at home crying and screaming. I send a couple of angry emails and there were some difficult phone conversations. I was very hurt and angry
That entire summer I was deeply depressed to the point where I did not want to go out the door at times.
There were three difficult meetings in the year following our break up. Two were by chance.
Ultimately it was my Grandmother’s final illness and death that helped me heal. I realized she was a far more important person to me and that someone really truly loved me and that love would remain with me all my life.
I tried a year ago to get Gabriel to understand I was trying to forgive him but that he had caused me a lot of damage. He has completely destroyed me faith both in a higher power and in other people.
I have seen Gabriel in the distance a couple of times in the last two years as he works near me at a place I go to see exhibitions. The last time, in June just gone, I think he saw me- he would have seen my discomfort.
I saw a counsellor four times that summer and last year I went to see two counsellors. I still get deeply depressed about the situation
I would like to say I took something positive from the time Gabriel was in my life. I would like to say I understand why he behaved the way he did and can accept it. But I don’t. It has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. It has made me examine the difficult relationships I have with the men in my life such as my father. I see that there was a great deal lacking in these relationships and that I am not respected or valued as much as I should be. I am loved but taken for granted.
It took a lot for me to let Gabriel into my heart and soul and he was unable to treat either with respect or value. I have lost my faith in a higher power. I have lost a certain amount of faith in the love of others. Thankfully I do know deep down I am loved and valued.
That entire summer I was deeply depressed to the point where I did not want to go out the door at times.
There were three difficult meetings in the year following our break up. Two were by chance.
Ultimately it was my Grandmother’s final illness and death that helped me heal. I realized she was a far more important person to me and that someone really truly loved me and that love would remain with me all my life.
I tried a year ago to get Gabriel to understand I was trying to forgive him but that he had caused me a lot of damage. He has completely destroyed me faith both in a higher power and in other people.
I have seen Gabriel in the distance a couple of times in the last two years as he works near me at a place I go to see exhibitions. The last time, in June just gone, I think he saw me- he would have seen my discomfort.
I saw a counsellor four times that summer and last year I went to see two counsellors. I still get deeply depressed about the situation
I would like to say I took something positive from the time Gabriel was in my life. I would like to say I understand why he behaved the way he did and can accept it. But I don’t. It has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. It has made me examine the difficult relationships I have with the men in my life such as my father. I see that there was a great deal lacking in these relationships and that I am not respected or valued as much as I should be. I am loved but taken for granted.
It took a lot for me to let Gabriel into my heart and soul and he was unable to treat either with respect or value. I have lost my faith in a higher power. I have lost a certain amount of faith in the love of others. Thankfully I do know deep down I am loved and valued.
Monday 29 March 2010
14: Gabriel (he ain't no angel)- pt.1
As I said below I have not had a sexual relationship. However I have had something akin to a romantic relationship four years ago when I was 33.
I met Gabriel in a library where a good friend works. One of my sisters had recently married and I had a feeling an important person was about to come into my life.
I met Gabriel in a library that a good friend works in one October evening in 2005. I was immediately attracted to him and send him a note (after debating with myself all weekend while visiting my aunts). My friend said he was shy and checked to see if he was single. One of my colleagues knew him and said he was sweet.
After a month we arranged to go for coffee. We agreed to meet again in a fortnight and I chatted with him for three hours. We ended up in a pub near High Holborn. It was a magical evening for me.
I found out that we had gone to the same university and both studied history. We had also done our masters at the same university- I had studied Librarianship, he had studied Archives. He was also the eldest in his family.
We met a couple of other times before Christmas (he invited me to see a film at Amnesty International and a carol concert where he worked). I found a cheap copy of a DVD of the film we saw together and gave it to him. He didn’t think to get me anything and I knew that this was probably not going to work out. I had a miserable Christmas and got very upset with my brother who I have a difficult relationship with. But Gabriel sent some nice emails about the DVD.
We met up in the new year and I asked him if he wanted to meet up once a week- he agreed). We went to a Persian exhibition one Sunday at the British Museum and went for a curry afterwards.
Gabriel is very religious and his church is an important part of his life. He would often want to discuss theology and religious matter when we met and often talked about his church. We both enjoyed going to talks, particularly on theological subjects. I thought I had found someone I had a spiritual bond with.
I was very happy to have Gabriel in my life. But I wanted to tell him about my TS. It is an important part of who I am and of my life. It was very nerve wracking to know when exactly was the right point to do it. I did not want to scare him off by getting too serious. I even got advice from my colleague who knew him (which meant telling her about my TS) and my friends with TS. One Sunday in early 2006. I went to his church and afterwards we went for a coffee and I told. He was very sweet and asked if there was anything he could do.
A couple of weeks later I invited him over to my flat for lunch. He kept waiting before setting off from his church I nervously prepared some pasta (which I tried out the previous day on my friends). He seemed to enjoy the meal. It was going to be Valentine’s Day that week so I snuck a card into his bag.
A couple of days later on Valentine’s Day, Gabriel came by my work. I will never forget seeing him at the bottom of the stairs after I had a meeting with my line manager. He had a puppyish look on his face and I threw my arms around him (one of the Library readers observed us!) After chatting he passed me the only Valentine’s card I have ever received. I treasured it.
In early March Gabriel had a birthday and I got him a couple of books and a card. I managed to spend some time with him and went to a meal at his church. I had a bad headache so went home. I often get run down and sent Gabriel an email explaining this but also telling him he was important to me and I wanted to spend time with him. His response was to tell me he found the email moving.
I had told my mum about Gabriel at Christmas. She was keen to meet him. So I agreed to bring him over on Mother’s day. I went to his church and gave him some chocolate and postcards I had got him on my trip to Bristol. We travelled over together to my parents. My beloved Grandmother was also there. The meal was a great success.
I continued to attend Gabriel’s church and we would also meet up during the week. Very little happened between us physically. Gabriel initiated a couple of hugs early on. I have to admit that I am shy about these matters and did not know what to do next when Gabriel hugged me. I desired him so much and wanted to hold him. But I noticed him looking sheepish when we went to a talk about Christian attitudes to sex. We also had limited time together alone. I was also tending to agree to do what Gabriel wanted. He did not show much interest in my friends the same way I took an interest in his.
I went to the Easter service at Gabriel’s church. He kissed me on the lips after the service. I gave him some chocolate eggs. I still get upset when I see Easter eggs in Marks and Spenser’s as I think of him. Gabriel did not want to come to Easter lunch at my parents (in the end this turned out for the best as it did not go well!)
In mid-April Gabriel and I went to a talk which a colleague’s brother gave at the Museum of London. I later heard this colleague thought we looked good together. This comforts me but also fills me with such pain at what could have been and what Gabriel still refuses to acknowledge.That evening when we were alone Gabriel put his arm around me when we were looking at the John Wesley monument. It was a thrilling, sweet moment and I wish that I had acted more on it.
That weekend I went on a long overdue and emotional trip to Dublin where I spend part of my childhood. Gabriel’s contract with his work was soon to come to an end and he had an interview while I was away. We exchanged texts. I carried Gabriel around in my heart while in Dublin and every moment I spent there was touched by the knowledge he was part of my life (I still carry these feelings round when I visit Dublin and to a certain extent Bristol).
We met up that Friday and I gave him some chocolate and a book. I told him I planned to try and get my own place. He said he was happy to drift. I have always had a feeling that from this point onwards things began to go wrong between us.
From this point onwards Gabriel became less and less keen to spend any time alone. I only usually saw him with his friends. He did not seem bothered by this. I told him I loved him – even if it was when I left him. I tried not to put any pressure on him but could not deny my feelings for him.
After a month I got tired of this. After church, while he and his friends were having a drink a female friend tried hitting on him and he did nothing about it. I was deeply hurt. When I got home I sent Gabriel an email saying it would be good to spend some time alone together and to clarify what was going on between us.. He did not bother to acknowledge my email. I eventually got in contact with him two days later and he came to my work. He still did not acknowledge my email and I had to raise it. He then asked to use my work computer to do a job application.
That Sunday we went to a café and he was only interested in discussing a prayer group at his church. I broke down and told him he was important to me and he held my hand for 20 minutes. I then had to go to work (it was the one Sunday of the year I had to work).
We met up again where he lived that Tuesday. We did not discuss our situation. That night he called up to ask me to tape something off digital TV for him which I did. He called me after to discuss programme. On Saturday he called to discuss the meal at his church the following day. I asked him to clarify what was going on between us and he said he would discuss with me the next day.
In Pentecost Sunday 2006 I went to Gabriels’ church. When he turned up he went to sit elsewhere but when I looked at him he gave a resigned look and sat with me.
When we went up to get our meals I tried to touch him and he brushed me away. I burst out crying in front of all the people in his church and he hugged me and said we would talk later.
We went for a drink the café I told him about my TS in. He told me he was very happy I had come into his life but ‘I wanted this to be a relationship but it isn’t’. I felt I had had been switched off and I had been completely drained. I swear something in me died that moment. I asked him if he couldn’t try to give things another go but he couldn’t reconsider. He asked me f I was OK. I told him I could not be friends with him and did not want to be in contact. I felt completely betrayed not because Gabriel ended the relationship but because he had taken so long to do it in spite of seeing how much distress the situation was causing me. I do regret being so angry in that moment but I am sure that things long term would have ended badly anyway.
Gabriel went to hug me when the conversation ended. I could not bear to have him hug me.
I met Gabriel in a library where a good friend works. One of my sisters had recently married and I had a feeling an important person was about to come into my life.
I met Gabriel in a library that a good friend works in one October evening in 2005. I was immediately attracted to him and send him a note (after debating with myself all weekend while visiting my aunts). My friend said he was shy and checked to see if he was single. One of my colleagues knew him and said he was sweet.
After a month we arranged to go for coffee. We agreed to meet again in a fortnight and I chatted with him for three hours. We ended up in a pub near High Holborn. It was a magical evening for me.
I found out that we had gone to the same university and both studied history. We had also done our masters at the same university- I had studied Librarianship, he had studied Archives. He was also the eldest in his family.
We met a couple of other times before Christmas (he invited me to see a film at Amnesty International and a carol concert where he worked). I found a cheap copy of a DVD of the film we saw together and gave it to him. He didn’t think to get me anything and I knew that this was probably not going to work out. I had a miserable Christmas and got very upset with my brother who I have a difficult relationship with. But Gabriel sent some nice emails about the DVD.
We met up in the new year and I asked him if he wanted to meet up once a week- he agreed). We went to a Persian exhibition one Sunday at the British Museum and went for a curry afterwards.
Gabriel is very religious and his church is an important part of his life. He would often want to discuss theology and religious matter when we met and often talked about his church. We both enjoyed going to talks, particularly on theological subjects. I thought I had found someone I had a spiritual bond with.
I was very happy to have Gabriel in my life. But I wanted to tell him about my TS. It is an important part of who I am and of my life. It was very nerve wracking to know when exactly was the right point to do it. I did not want to scare him off by getting too serious. I even got advice from my colleague who knew him (which meant telling her about my TS) and my friends with TS. One Sunday in early 2006. I went to his church and afterwards we went for a coffee and I told. He was very sweet and asked if there was anything he could do.
A couple of weeks later I invited him over to my flat for lunch. He kept waiting before setting off from his church I nervously prepared some pasta (which I tried out the previous day on my friends). He seemed to enjoy the meal. It was going to be Valentine’s Day that week so I snuck a card into his bag.
A couple of days later on Valentine’s Day, Gabriel came by my work. I will never forget seeing him at the bottom of the stairs after I had a meeting with my line manager. He had a puppyish look on his face and I threw my arms around him (one of the Library readers observed us!) After chatting he passed me the only Valentine’s card I have ever received. I treasured it.
In early March Gabriel had a birthday and I got him a couple of books and a card. I managed to spend some time with him and went to a meal at his church. I had a bad headache so went home. I often get run down and sent Gabriel an email explaining this but also telling him he was important to me and I wanted to spend time with him. His response was to tell me he found the email moving.
I had told my mum about Gabriel at Christmas. She was keen to meet him. So I agreed to bring him over on Mother’s day. I went to his church and gave him some chocolate and postcards I had got him on my trip to Bristol. We travelled over together to my parents. My beloved Grandmother was also there. The meal was a great success.
I continued to attend Gabriel’s church and we would also meet up during the week. Very little happened between us physically. Gabriel initiated a couple of hugs early on. I have to admit that I am shy about these matters and did not know what to do next when Gabriel hugged me. I desired him so much and wanted to hold him. But I noticed him looking sheepish when we went to a talk about Christian attitudes to sex. We also had limited time together alone. I was also tending to agree to do what Gabriel wanted. He did not show much interest in my friends the same way I took an interest in his.
I went to the Easter service at Gabriel’s church. He kissed me on the lips after the service. I gave him some chocolate eggs. I still get upset when I see Easter eggs in Marks and Spenser’s as I think of him. Gabriel did not want to come to Easter lunch at my parents (in the end this turned out for the best as it did not go well!)
In mid-April Gabriel and I went to a talk which a colleague’s brother gave at the Museum of London. I later heard this colleague thought we looked good together. This comforts me but also fills me with such pain at what could have been and what Gabriel still refuses to acknowledge.That evening when we were alone Gabriel put his arm around me when we were looking at the John Wesley monument. It was a thrilling, sweet moment and I wish that I had acted more on it.
That weekend I went on a long overdue and emotional trip to Dublin where I spend part of my childhood. Gabriel’s contract with his work was soon to come to an end and he had an interview while I was away. We exchanged texts. I carried Gabriel around in my heart while in Dublin and every moment I spent there was touched by the knowledge he was part of my life (I still carry these feelings round when I visit Dublin and to a certain extent Bristol).
We met up that Friday and I gave him some chocolate and a book. I told him I planned to try and get my own place. He said he was happy to drift. I have always had a feeling that from this point onwards things began to go wrong between us.
From this point onwards Gabriel became less and less keen to spend any time alone. I only usually saw him with his friends. He did not seem bothered by this. I told him I loved him – even if it was when I left him. I tried not to put any pressure on him but could not deny my feelings for him.
After a month I got tired of this. After church, while he and his friends were having a drink a female friend tried hitting on him and he did nothing about it. I was deeply hurt. When I got home I sent Gabriel an email saying it would be good to spend some time alone together and to clarify what was going on between us.. He did not bother to acknowledge my email. I eventually got in contact with him two days later and he came to my work. He still did not acknowledge my email and I had to raise it. He then asked to use my work computer to do a job application.
That Sunday we went to a café and he was only interested in discussing a prayer group at his church. I broke down and told him he was important to me and he held my hand for 20 minutes. I then had to go to work (it was the one Sunday of the year I had to work).
We met up again where he lived that Tuesday. We did not discuss our situation. That night he called up to ask me to tape something off digital TV for him which I did. He called me after to discuss programme. On Saturday he called to discuss the meal at his church the following day. I asked him to clarify what was going on between us and he said he would discuss with me the next day.
In Pentecost Sunday 2006 I went to Gabriels’ church. When he turned up he went to sit elsewhere but when I looked at him he gave a resigned look and sat with me.
When we went up to get our meals I tried to touch him and he brushed me away. I burst out crying in front of all the people in his church and he hugged me and said we would talk later.
We went for a drink the café I told him about my TS in. He told me he was very happy I had come into his life but ‘I wanted this to be a relationship but it isn’t’. I felt I had had been switched off and I had been completely drained. I swear something in me died that moment. I asked him if he couldn’t try to give things another go but he couldn’t reconsider. He asked me f I was OK. I told him I could not be friends with him and did not want to be in contact. I felt completely betrayed not because Gabriel ended the relationship but because he had taken so long to do it in spite of seeing how much distress the situation was causing me. I do regret being so angry in that moment but I am sure that things long term would have ended badly anyway.
Gabriel went to hug me when the conversation ended. I could not bear to have him hug me.
Sunday 28 March 2010
13: Before the Sixities Swung- some thoughts on some recent films
-An Education (Lone Scherfig)
Nowhere boy (Sam Taylor Wood)
-a Single man (Tom Ford)
Well enough of the TS stuff for a while! As noted in my review of 'It felt like a kiss' the early sixties are all the rage in the cinema at the moment. It may well be that at the beginning of a new decade and a new political era with the Obama presidency (which has frequently drawn comparisons with the JFK era) we are trying to understand this period through the prism of another era.
All three films explore the underlying social tensions of the era from different vantage points. Two are based on real life stories (Nowhere boy and An Education).
As a Beatles fan I was delighted that Sam Taylor-Wood had properly researched her Beatles history and reproduces faithfully some of the key moments in their early history. Paul gives his all on '20 flight rock' in the church hall, George strums 'Raunchy' on the top of a bus. Woods also picks up on Ian MacDonald’s' point that John and Paul bonded because of both losing their mothers in their teens. Wood focuses on Lennon’s' relationship with his aunt Mimi who raised him and his free spirited mother Julia. Mimi may have given John a stable home life but it was Julia who encouraged John as a musician. Both were strong women.
'A single man' is another debut film by someone who has made their name in another field- this time fashion designer and photographer Tom Ford. Many critics have found this film too stylised. However in a story which is about a man who has to put on a front everyday and conceal his true nature in the face of a hostile world. He is also obliged to look for beauty in the face of the bigotry he faces. I found Colin Firth's performance as George deeply moving and dignified, with his grief for his partner Jim. I also appreciated the senitive portrayal of a committed monogamous gay relationship. For me the film was deeply romantic.
My favourite sequence is when George gets his class to consider fear and 'the other', which speaks to the anxieties of the modern age and roots of unfortunately ongoing homophobia.
My favourite of all three films was 'An education'. Carey Mulligan gives a performance wise beyond her years as Jenny, a highly intelligent and bored teenage girl in early sixties Twickenham. It is interesting to compare Jenny's interest in French culture with John Lennon's interest in Rock and Roll, both speaking to a more liberated and exciting mind set. Jenny's relationship with an older man begins to show her a more sophisticated and liberated world. However this relationship threatens to undermine all Jenny's efforts to assert herself as an intelligent, independent woman. I was heartened by the ending which affirms Jenny as a strong independent person.
Both 'Nowhere boy' and 'An education' show that society is about to change and explore the motiviations of those who were at the forefront of these changes.
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