As I said below I have not had a sexual relationship. However I have had something akin to a romantic relationship four years ago when I was 33.
I met Gabriel in a library where a good friend works. One of my sisters had recently married and I had a feeling an important person was about to come into my life.
I met Gabriel in a library that a good friend works in one October evening in 2005. I was immediately attracted to him and send him a note (after debating with myself all weekend while visiting my aunts). My friend said he was shy and checked to see if he was single. One of my colleagues knew him and said he was sweet.
After a month we arranged to go for coffee. We agreed to meet again in a fortnight and I chatted with him for three hours. We ended up in a pub near High Holborn. It was a magical evening for me.
I found out that we had gone to the same university and both studied history. We had also done our masters at the same university- I had studied Librarianship, he had studied Archives. He was also the eldest in his family.
We met a couple of other times before Christmas (he invited me to see a film at Amnesty International and a carol concert where he worked). I found a cheap copy of a DVD of the film we saw together and gave it to him. He didn’t think to get me anything and I knew that this was probably not going to work out. I had a miserable Christmas and got very upset with my brother who I have a difficult relationship with. But Gabriel sent some nice emails about the DVD.
We met up in the new year and I asked him if he wanted to meet up once a week- he agreed). We went to a Persian exhibition one Sunday at the British Museum and went for a curry afterwards.
Gabriel is very religious and his church is an important part of his life. He would often want to discuss theology and religious matter when we met and often talked about his church. We both enjoyed going to talks, particularly on theological subjects. I thought I had found someone I had a spiritual bond with.
I was very happy to have Gabriel in my life. But I wanted to tell him about my TS. It is an important part of who I am and of my life. It was very nerve wracking to know when exactly was the right point to do it. I did not want to scare him off by getting too serious. I even got advice from my colleague who knew him (which meant telling her about my TS) and my friends with TS. One Sunday in early 2006. I went to his church and afterwards we went for a coffee and I told. He was very sweet and asked if there was anything he could do.
A couple of weeks later I invited him over to my flat for lunch. He kept waiting before setting off from his church I nervously prepared some pasta (which I tried out the previous day on my friends). He seemed to enjoy the meal. It was going to be Valentine’s Day that week so I snuck a card into his bag.
A couple of days later on Valentine’s Day, Gabriel came by my work. I will never forget seeing him at the bottom of the stairs after I had a meeting with my line manager. He had a puppyish look on his face and I threw my arms around him (one of the Library readers observed us!) After chatting he passed me the only Valentine’s card I have ever received. I treasured it.
In early March Gabriel had a birthday and I got him a couple of books and a card. I managed to spend some time with him and went to a meal at his church. I had a bad headache so went home. I often get run down and sent Gabriel an email explaining this but also telling him he was important to me and I wanted to spend time with him. His response was to tell me he found the email moving.
I had told my mum about Gabriel at Christmas. She was keen to meet him. So I agreed to bring him over on Mother’s day. I went to his church and gave him some chocolate and postcards I had got him on my trip to Bristol. We travelled over together to my parents. My beloved Grandmother was also there. The meal was a great success.
I continued to attend Gabriel’s church and we would also meet up during the week. Very little happened between us physically. Gabriel initiated a couple of hugs early on. I have to admit that I am shy about these matters and did not know what to do next when Gabriel hugged me. I desired him so much and wanted to hold him. But I noticed him looking sheepish when we went to a talk about Christian attitudes to sex. We also had limited time together alone. I was also tending to agree to do what Gabriel wanted. He did not show much interest in my friends the same way I took an interest in his.
I went to the Easter service at Gabriel’s church. He kissed me on the lips after the service. I gave him some chocolate eggs. I still get upset when I see Easter eggs in Marks and Spenser’s as I think of him. Gabriel did not want to come to Easter lunch at my parents (in the end this turned out for the best as it did not go well!)
In mid-April Gabriel and I went to a talk which a colleague’s brother gave at the Museum of London. I later heard this colleague thought we looked good together. This comforts me but also fills me with such pain at what could have been and what Gabriel still refuses to acknowledge.That evening when we were alone Gabriel put his arm around me when we were looking at the John Wesley monument. It was a thrilling, sweet moment and I wish that I had acted more on it.
That weekend I went on a long overdue and emotional trip to Dublin where I spend part of my childhood. Gabriel’s contract with his work was soon to come to an end and he had an interview while I was away. We exchanged texts. I carried Gabriel around in my heart while in Dublin and every moment I spent there was touched by the knowledge he was part of my life (I still carry these feelings round when I visit Dublin and to a certain extent Bristol).
We met up that Friday and I gave him some chocolate and a book. I told him I planned to try and get my own place. He said he was happy to drift. I have always had a feeling that from this point onwards things began to go wrong between us.
From this point onwards Gabriel became less and less keen to spend any time alone. I only usually saw him with his friends. He did not seem bothered by this. I told him I loved him – even if it was when I left him. I tried not to put any pressure on him but could not deny my feelings for him.
After a month I got tired of this. After church, while he and his friends were having a drink a female friend tried hitting on him and he did nothing about it. I was deeply hurt. When I got home I sent Gabriel an email saying it would be good to spend some time alone together and to clarify what was going on between us.. He did not bother to acknowledge my email. I eventually got in contact with him two days later and he came to my work. He still did not acknowledge my email and I had to raise it. He then asked to use my work computer to do a job application.
That Sunday we went to a café and he was only interested in discussing a prayer group at his church. I broke down and told him he was important to me and he held my hand for 20 minutes. I then had to go to work (it was the one Sunday of the year I had to work).
We met up again where he lived that Tuesday. We did not discuss our situation. That night he called up to ask me to tape something off digital TV for him which I did. He called me after to discuss programme. On Saturday he called to discuss the meal at his church the following day. I asked him to clarify what was going on between us and he said he would discuss with me the next day.
In Pentecost Sunday 2006 I went to Gabriels’ church. When he turned up he went to sit elsewhere but when I looked at him he gave a resigned look and sat with me.
When we went up to get our meals I tried to touch him and he brushed me away. I burst out crying in front of all the people in his church and he hugged me and said we would talk later.
We went for a drink the café I told him about my TS in. He told me he was very happy I had come into his life but ‘I wanted this to be a relationship but it isn’t’. I felt I had had been switched off and I had been completely drained. I swear something in me died that moment. I asked him if he couldn’t try to give things another go but he couldn’t reconsider. He asked me f I was OK. I told him I could not be friends with him and did not want to be in contact. I felt completely betrayed not because Gabriel ended the relationship but because he had taken so long to do it in spite of seeing how much distress the situation was causing me. I do regret being so angry in that moment but I am sure that things long term would have ended badly anyway.
Gabriel went to hug me when the conversation ended. I could not bear to have him hug me.
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