15: Gabriel- reflecting on

I spend the rest of Pentecost Sunday at home crying and screaming. I send a couple of angry emails and there were some difficult phone conversations. I was very hurt and angry

That entire summer I was deeply depressed to the point where I did not want to go out the door at times.

There were three difficult meetings in the year following our break up. Two were by chance.

Ultimately it was my Grandmother’s final illness and death that helped me heal. I realized she was a far more important person to me and that someone really truly loved me and that love would remain with me all my life.

I tried a year ago to get Gabriel to understand I was trying to forgive him but that he had caused me a lot of damage. He has completely destroyed me faith both in a higher power and in other people.

I have seen Gabriel in the distance a couple of times in the last two years as he works near me at a place I go to see exhibitions. The last time, in June just gone, I think he saw me- he would have seen my discomfort.

I saw a counsellor four times that summer and last year I went to see two counsellors. I still get deeply depressed about the situation

I would like to say I took something positive from the time Gabriel was in my life. I would like to say I understand why he behaved the way he did and can accept it. But I don’t. It has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. It has made me examine the difficult relationships I have with the men in my life such as my father. I see that there was a great deal lacking in these relationships and that I am not respected or valued as much as I should be. I am loved but taken for granted.

It took a lot for me to let Gabriel into my heart and soul and he was unable to treat either with respect or value. I have lost my faith in a higher power. I have lost a certain amount of faith in the love of others. Thankfully I do know deep down I am loved and valued.