74. Why I am celibate

As I indicated in my post about Gabriel, I celibate. This is something I have chosen. It can be quite hard for some people to comprehend. But this is a way of life that has brought me much peace and happiness. When I discuss celibacy in this post, I do not just mean I do not just mean I chose not to have sex, but that I do not seek a romantic relationship or a ‘life partner’.
I have written in one of my early posts about the effects of the way the consultant who treated me as a teenager had on me (basically he would look at my breasts and genitals at every hospital appointment, usually in front of a group of medical students and say something along the lines of ‘coming along nicely!). It made me very protective of my breasts and genitals. I was not prepared to have anyone judge these parts of my body or to be judged as ‘less female’.  I was not willing to expose these intimate parts of myself to scrutiny in the way I had to as a teenager. I could name what I went through as a form of abuse.  I could say my celibacy is a direct reaction of this. It may be a strong one but there you go.
I felt broken as a sexual being. Celibacy helped me put myself back together again. I am also a product of a Roman Catholic education. As a teenager, I found the idea of being a nun very attractive. I wanted to get away from the pressures of the world and live a simple, celibate, life amongst women. I am also afraid that the negative attitude towards sex outside of a heterosexual marriage also affected me. Sorry to have to admit this but it is the truth!
When I was at sixth-form college in my late teens, I did have a crush on a young man in my year. I do not know why I did not ask him out.  I did not have the confidence to do so. I have had a few regrets about this but nothing serious. There was another young man who wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I declined. I hope I was gently with him but I was not attracted to him.
When I was at university over 20 years ago, I read Sally Cline’s ‘Women, passion and celibacy’ and it made sense to me. I felt that women were under too much pressure to be sexual, particularly sexually available to men. It reaffirmed my decision to be celibate.
It is true to say I never met a man that I was attracted enough to even be friends with, let alone have a romantic and especially sexual relationship with. I greatly valued the friendship of my female friends and enjoyed spending time with them. However there was never any romantic attraction. This was a period of considerable confusion and celibacy helped me get through it. I feel I was at this time not mature enough to handle a relationship.
Between the ages of 25-35 I had a couple of crushes on very inaccessible men. I did not see this coming but perhaps I had to affirm some kind of heterosexual identity, even if I did not act on it. I believe that I developed crushes on men that there was never any hope of having a relationship with as a way of not having to deal with an actual relationship a man. I felt even less attractive and worthy of male attention. This was at a time when I was trying to find my way in the world.
Therefore it was a big surprise that when I was 34, Gabriel happened, (or rather did not happen)…. . I was settled in a job I enjoyed and happily living by myself.  As I wrote in my post about him I feel very let down that I told him about my Turner Syndrome. I also felt I made far more of an effort to fit into his life than he ever did to mine. I did not give up on the idea of being in a relationship as I went on a couple of dates, possibly to try and get over Gabriel. Again I declined to get into a relationship with one person I went on one date with. I was not over Gabriel. A few months after this I lost interest in dating after a second unsuccessful date. It just affirmed that I was better off out of the dating game.
About three years after my relationship with Gabriel, I began getting interested in radical feminism. I found the theory of ‘compulsory heterosexuality’ highly useful. It certainly accorded with a lot of my outlook on the world and my experiences. It helped to be around other women who did not see being in a heterosexual relationship as almost mandatory.
I have to say that what I see of relationships today is not encouraging. People reject each other easily and seem to view dating as a game. It is not a game I want to play.
Up to the age of 30, I lived with my parents (apart from the three years at University. I often had people around, and while this could be positive, I often found I did not have enough space mentally. When I moved out I lived with two different flat-mates, both women. I found the experience challenging. In the second case it was not because of the other woman but because of changes I was going through as a person.
About ten years ago, I moved into a flat by myself. I moved into my current flat, which I purchased, about seven years ago. I have never looked back. I am also financially independent (more or less!) To be honest, I am aware of the person I am. I know I can be insecure and clingy. I also seek approval too often. I also know that I enjoy having the freedom to pursue my own interests and my own beliefs. It has taken me several years to feel as comfortable and accepting of who I am. I do not need a partner for validation.  For me celibacy is a positive decision. It is no a decision to close a door in life, but to open many.