47: 25 Years of listening to the Dark Horse

I am going to make no bones or apologies for this- George Harrison was my teenage idol and he is still a musician who means a tremendous amount to me.
But first some context

As any child born to children of the 60’s Beatles music was always around me. For me it was like having four singing uncles. I remember getting excited about watching ‘Let it be’ on television when I was three. I would always listen intently to their music as a child. 'Yellow Submarine' was my favourite film when I was very young (I particularly liked the 'sea of holes' section). One of the most idyll memories of my childhood is listening to the Beatles on long car rides through the Irish countryside. The Beatles music became synonymous with sunshine, nature and joyous movement.

One of my earliest memories is of seeing Steve Harley and Cockney rebel playing ‘Here comes the sun’ on Top of the Pops in the summer of 1976 around the time the older of my two sisters was born.
When I was about 8 I got hold of my parents Beatles LPs and asked my Dad to tell me who each of the Beatles were. I examined carefully the front cover of ‘Sgt. Pepper’ and ‘Abbey Road’ and obsessively read the story book inside the Magical Mystery Tour album. Even this age I found George the most intriguing. I always feel guilty I was not more sad at John Lennon’ death.

Fast forward a few years to 1987. I was a teenager of 14 who did not particularly get on with the pop music of the time (well- I did not get on with 80’s in general!). I was beginning to realise I had considerably more affinity with the music of the 1960’s. The Beatles were always part of this. I became completely enamoured of ‘Sgt. Pepper’ when it was issued on CD that year and watched the documentary about the making of the album ‘It was twenty years ago’ with my Dad. I remember thinking how handsome George was in the documentary.

But I began to love George’s music without realising it. In the summer of 1987 I heard Peter Young (my all time favourite disc jockey!) play ‘While my guitar gently weeps’ from the White Album when it was issued on CD. I was haunted by it all the next day. About this time I also aw George perform the song at the Prince’s Trust concert on television.

But it was not until October 1987 that I was truly smitten. The late, great, Roger Scott played ‘Got my mind set on you’ three mornings in a row. The second morning it began to stick in my mind. The third morning the sound of Jim Keltner’s drum intro became the sound of my adolescence kicking in. I promptly went out and brought the single in WH Smiths Streatham (making it the first record I brought in a shop- As an aside the B-Side ‘Lay his head’ is an underrated gem). It was wonderful to see ‘Got my mind set on you’ rise to number 2 in the charts. I also adored the video where George sits in an easy chair. Over the next few months I listened to the ‘Cloud 9’ album several times, and enjoyed hearing George get a considerable amount radio play and have further chart success. George had not issued a solo album for five years and would not issue any further solo albums in his lifetime. Listening to the album again recently I am stuck with how it managed to sound contemporary to the late 1980’s (particularly ‘That’s what it takes’) and how confident it sounds. I particularly like the title track which begs for a soul queen such as Bettye Lavette to bring out all its’ bluesy qualities.

I next came across the ‘White Album’ on an old tape of my parents which I found in our utility room. This is still one of my all time favourite albums and I have even attended an event about the album at the British Library (as it happens I caught site of Gabriel for the first time in a year that night which goes to prove George’s belief that nothing is coincidental). This album contains my favourite George and favourite Beatle track ‘Long, Long, Long’. This song expresses a soul’s (however you view that) yearning to return to its’ creator (whatever you view that as) more beautifully than a library full of theology books (and I should know having studied theology).

In January 1989 I had a vivid dream in which I saw the cover of the‘ Living in the material world’ album (which I had seen in a book about the Beatles). Then only a few days later, when I visited my guide pack brown owl’s house to tape some records I found a copy of it! I adored it from first listen. My favourite track was ‘Try some, buy some’. I also heard ‘Revolver’ for the first time and particularly liked ‘I want to tell you’

I purchased three of George’s solo album on tape (I could not afford CDs!) To celebrate my GCSE results in August 1989 I purchased ‘All things must pass’ on tape. I was with my grandmother and delightedly discussed George with her. George’s masterpiece is full of beautiful, graceful songs which had been stacking up while he had been in The Beatles. It is gratifying to know George had the last laugh and that many critics think this is the best solo album by an ex- Beatle. The only small caveat I have in recommending is that there is more to George’s solo career than this album!

I will regret until the day I die (and it is one of my main regrets) that I did not somehow make it to George’s concert at the Royal Festival Hall in April 1992- goodness knows I really wanted to go but did not have the confidence to ask my parents for the money.

George’s music helped get me through my complex adolescence and was a companion in my university years (which were the happiest of my life).  When I felt psychically lost and disconnected from things around me due to a number of events that had occurred in my early teens (namely moving back from Ireland and my TS diagnosis) the music of George and the Beatles was one of the main things that brought me back to myself. As with whatever music and musicians adolescents adopt as ‘their’ music and musicians, George and his music helped me explore and develop the type of person I was and who I wanted to be. I found a place within myself of belonging, comfort, wonder and empathy. As you can tell from other entries in this blog music means a tremendous amount to me. I have had so many wonderful experiences and made some great friends through music. Music informs my politics, social outlook, spirituality, and the way I treat others. This is a direct result of being a fan of George in my teens.

In the years after I left university I began to get more into soul music and contemporary ‘indie’ music. However I thoroughly enjoyed the Anthology programmes (I joke that I like other women in the UK spent six Sunday evenings in the winter of 1995 enjoying watching a of handsome enigmatic man with a huge country estate on TV only for me it was George in Anthology and not Colin Firth in ‘Pride and prejudice’). I also made a visit to Liverpool in August 1997 with Lucy and I got quite emotional seeing 12 Arnold Grove where George was born.

I confess that I did not really listen to George’s music as much after 1996. But I was always a fan. I was as concerned as all his other fans when his treatment for throat cancer was reported in 1997. I spent new years’ eve 1999 in a state of disbelief that George and his beloved wife Olivia had been attacked at Friar Park (I knew how much Friar Park meant to George and his family and was saddened that this refuge had been violated in the worst manner imaginable). I kept an eye on the press coverage of the trial of the Harrison’s attacker the following year (I may write more about this in a later post!). Finally in 2001, the headlines about George’s cancer screamed out at me as I was passing through Victoria to work. Earlier that year George had reissued ‘All things must pass’ on CD and seemed to I couldn’t bring myself to read or follow news about George’s cancer, partially as an act of respect for George and his family’s hard earned privacy but mainly because I did not want to think about it as it was too upsetting.

I was sitting at work and had a quick look on the Guardian website around lunchtime on 30 November 2001 (I had taken to checking the news during my lunch hour after the events of 9/11 that year). There was the news that George had died the previous day. I had tried to kid myself that this news was not coming. I meekly said ‘Aw, George Harrison has died’ to my colleague. I then found myself heading for a news stand to get an evening standard. I listened in a stunned state to my favourite radio show of the time Mark and Lard on Radio 1 (who had been expecting Paul MacCartney as a guest that day) and they played ‘While my guitar gently weeps’ in George’s honour.

A few days later I made my way up to Abbey road for the first time and left a note of condolence outside Abbey Road studios. I even kept the minutes meditation for George that Olivia and Dhani Harrison suggested for his fans even thought I was in the middle of a meal with my colleagues!

I have to confess here that I brought ‘Living in the material world’ and the white album on CD soon after George’s death. I feel ashamed that it took his death to remind me how much those albums had meant to me. I also confess that I only occasionally listened to George or the Beatles music in the ten years after his death. It was as if for the time being George had done his job. But on many a Friday’s summer evening after work I would walk from my work through Regents park to Baker street and think how close I was to where the Beatles made their music.

Last September I saw a poster for ‘Living in the material world’ the documentary that Martin Scorsese has made about George with the assistance of Olivia Harrison at Baker Street underground. My heart leapt for joy when I saw it. I was annoyed I could not got to see the documentary at the cinema as it was on either too early or too late. But I certainly watched it when it was on BBC 2. It only took one viewing to re-ignite my respect for George as a person and my love for his music. I made sure I got the DVD for Christmas (and the accompanying book!). I dug out George’s albums and made sure I marked the tenth anniversary of his death. I finally got round to viewing the copy of ‘The concert for Bangladesh’ I was given some years ago and purchasing a copy of ‘Brainwashed’. This little post is just one clue that the George Harrison fest is ongoing! (helped in no small part by Youtube)

I am so grateful to George Harrison for making music which played such a helpful role at a critical time of my life. I am so grateful for the memories that this music brings back. But more than that I am grateful to George for making music that will remain a part of who I am and how I want to live my life always.
 Thank you George

46. A game of old maid or independent women?

As I said in the post below my youngest sister got married last year. My other sister married six years ago. This officially leaves me as an old maid!

Or so I though as I went for a stroll on the morning of my sister’s wedding. I made sure I gave myself time to consider this situation away from the family.  I am delighted that my sister has married and I wanted to fully participate in the happy day, without dwelling on any regrets of my own.

This year I am going to be 40. I own my own flat and have a good pension. I have a masters in librarianship and have been settled in a career I love for over 12 years. Yet I frequently feel that others see me as a failure because I am not in a relationship, not a parent and not financially wealthy. It has been hard realising that the principle person who I have to justify  myself to is myself.

I have no desire to get into a relationship just to fit in with others. It took me almost 20 years to find someone I liked as much as Gabriel. I feel incredibly damaged by the way he behaved towards me and I am not prepared to be treated that way by anyone else.

I have realised in the last year there are worse things than being alone. As I begin to evaluate where I am actually am in my life and begin go have a far more feminist understanding of societal pressures on women I have learnt to let go if the idea that I am a failure because I do not have a partner.

I know a great many single women over 30. Only some of these women have TS. A great conversation I had with one of these friends has made me reflect on some of the issues we all face.

Yes it is difficult knowing that as you will get older, there will not be a partner there to share the joys and challenges that will come. But there can be even more painful things than being a single woman and there are more painful ways of becoming single. I have seen this in the last few years.

There are a lot of benefits to being independent- the main one being that in the end I answer only to myself!

45. My 2011

As you may have noticed I did not put much on this blog last year- there is a reason!
While 2011 was not exactly the worst year of my life it would have to be something of a contender! There has been a highly challenging situation which I have had to deal with.

I had a number of minor problems at home (bed bugs, plumbing). I have had somewhat more testing health issues (Plantar Fasciitis and IBS).

I have also had challenges in some of my closest friendships and family relationships. This is not to say that I do not love those friends. It is just that we are all going our own directions in life and sometimes that has been that I have had to walk certain paths on my own. Sometimes there are problems I feel that I don’t want to share for a variety of reasons. I realise that in the last year I have been withdrawn and on occasions a bit sullen. But I have needed distance in order to re assess how I view myself and to see more clearly how others perceive me.

I cannot discuss the main difficult situation that has been an issue in the past year. All I can say is that if it had not been for the support of various people things would be a lot worse.

Two positive things happened in my life last year. I got to spend quite a lot of time with the older of my two sisters and her baby son. It has been one of the joys of my life over the last few years is deepening my relationship with this sister. The other was my other sister getting married.

I am learning each day to accept myself more and to actually take pride in myself. I am learning that actually I have a lot to offer the world. I am learning to become the person I truly want to be and trust in the friendship and respect of others

44.The needs of parents and the needs of women with TS...

As I began to indicate in post 40 below, the needs of parents of girls with TS and the needs of women with TS are often quite different. This is something which causes a considerable amount of tension, and one of the main reasons why I am not involved with and have no desire to be involved with either of the two support groups connected to TS in the UK.
Parents often joint a support group after their daughter is diagnosed with TS (this includes prenatal diagnoses). They are usually looking for practical information about TS, usually about medical treatment and educational support. Some are also concerned that their daughters get to meet other girls with TS. While some parents remain involved with the supports groups over a long period, in many cases the involvement is temporary, Once the parents have the information and support they require, there is no further reason to be involved.
Most women with TS get involved support groups because they are looking for emotional support. They want to form friendships with other women. They also need practical support with issues such as employment.
However there are some even more serious issues in the way that parents of girls with TS and Women with TS approach the condition. Indeed there can be major differences.
As I have discussed below, finding out that their daughter is infertile can be incredibly difficult for some parents. In spite of their best intentions they can project feelings such as distress, disappointment and guilt. These feelings can be very quickly picked up by a girl/woman with TS and compound her own feelings.
In addition parents can be unnecessarily protective of their daughters. I have seen several cases of this up close! While this is well intentioned this can have a serious effect on the self esteem and independence of the daughters.

There is finally the issue that parents tend to see that TS is only a condition that affects their daughters until late adolescence. They can have difficulties understanding the continuing medical, not to say practical issues their daughters will face.
This is not to denigrate parents of girls and women with TS- I have been fortunate to meet several wonderful parents. But it is important that this issue is acknowledged.

It would be interesting to see what a national support group which was headed by a woman with TS would be like. All I can say is that I am grateful every day that I am involved with a group of wonderful women, who just happen to have TS

43: Bettye Lavette - "Isn't It A Pity" 11/12 Ferguson (TheAudioPerv.com)

Here is somthing that combines three things I love- soul queens, the music of George Harrison and Ireland...

42: What I have been reading

During 2011 I really enjoyed reading Armistead Maupin's 'Tales of the city' novels (read all of them thanks to a kind colleague!) and all  six volumes of Maya Angelou's autobiography- what an amazing woman and such an astonishing story.

I have just begun reading 'The girl' trilogy'- it promises to be great.

I loved the 'Dykes to look out for' anthology by Alison Bechel along with the deeply moving 'Funhome'

41: What I am listening to!

Apologies for not posting for a while- had an interesting 2011 (that is one way of putting it!)

I have got further in feminism in the last year - helping out with events and stuff and really enjoying my book group!

As a little post here is some stuff I am listening to at the meoment

George Harrison- Cloud Nine/ All things must pass- oh the memories, the memories!

Beatles- The Beatles (White Album)- ditto!

Cardinal- Hymns - every bit as good as the original (which is one of my fave albums!)

Beach Boys- Smile - every bit as astonishing as I hoped it would be

Doris Troy-  Anthology - We miss you Doris