Considering that I have been involved with a local TS group for several years the issue of sex has come up very rarely in either our conversations when we meet up or in our group newsletter.
Sex is intrinsically linked to sexual identity and gender. Being confident about sex requires being confident in your sexuality. It requires having a good relationship with your body. It requires feeling in control of your body. Your sexuality is part of who you are as a person. It is part of all the other aspects of who you are as a person- your political, religious and social beliefs. It is an important part of how you feel about your body and yourself as a person. If you feel negatively about your sexuality, you feel negatively about yourself as a person. If you do not feel as though you have ownership of your sexuality you do not feel as though you have control of your life.
This is particularly an issue for women. In spite of feminism, we still live in a society which still has an at best complex attitude towards female sexuality. We still live with an enormous amount of patriachal misogynist attitudes.
As I have written in an earlier post, women with TS have complicated relationships with their bodies and their sexuality. I certainly know that my relationship with my sexuality has been deeply affected by my medical treatment.
It is interesting that in my own experience, when sex has been discussed at TS events, it has usually been women who do not have TS who have brought up the topic. I will not forget a woman who was writing a book on HRT giving us tips at a conference, or having an amusing discussion about an Anne Summers catalogue at another conference. I have since discovered that there was discussion of sexuality at a recent TSSS conference which is a good sign.
While we have had discussions about how we feel about ourselves as women and how we express our femininity and discuss certain aspects of relationships, sex is something we rarely if ever discuss. Sex is a highly delicate topic and is easier to discuss either one to one or in a small group.
While looking at another TS blog I came across the following statistic ‘Out of 80 women only 55% reported having sexual relations by the age of 34.’ Pavlides et al. (1995). I do not find this surprising from observing the experiences of my TS friends. While a large number of my TS friends are or have been in relationships I know there are a considerable number who have not.
I wish I knew why this should be the case. It is sad to think that our experiences have been so damaging. It is interesting to note that women who received later diagnosis are more confident in their sexuality than those who have had earlier diagnosis. Are our attitides to our bodies and our sexual identity damaged by social expectations of women and our medical treatment? It could be that sexuality is linked so closley to fertility (for both for men and women) and there are still issues around accepting sex being an act of desire/love rather than being a procreative act.
There is an expectation that you will be sexuality active. I remember the incredulity of a GP to whom I told I was a virgin some years ago. I was made to feel as though I was either highly abnormal or a liar by the way she spoke to me. I also found some rude comments on my medical notes by a GP who I thought was being supportive when I attempted to have a smear test.
I have only in the last eighteen months felt able to look at my own sexuality in an honest way and begin to take ownership of it. I am becoming more aware that sexuality is not just about sex but also the relationship you have with yourself. It requires a good level of self awareness and self acceptance required to have a healthy sexuality. I have come to accept that I have sexual feelings and desires and a need to express these.
This was in no small part I ended up discussing the issue of sexuality with a counsellor last year and she get me to examine the issues I have around sex and sexuality. This has helped me begin to resolve some of these.
There are still It does not help that I have come to realise that the one person I have strong feelings towards is Gabriel and that there is no way of acting on these. There is still a lot of confusion and questions that I need to resolve.
Back in April I had an enormously helpful discussion about the vexed topic of sexuality with a couple of TS friends who are not part of my main circle of TS friends. This is not an unimportant point as it was because they are not part of my main circle of friends that I felt able to bring the topic up. They were both incredibly supportive and affirming in their advice.
It is important that as women with TS we continue to move forward discussing these issues together and supporting each other.
Sunday, 26 December 2010
Saturday, 18 December 2010
37: Conversations amongst ourselves
Back in September, I met up with some of my TS friends. During the course of the afternoon we has some ‘lively’ discussions on issues such as capital punishment, food and nutrition, the upcoming TS national conference, the best method for dealing with a demanding colleague, and whether there really is ‘someone for everyone’ (that one was on me!- I don’t believe there is and stand by that!) Much of what we discussed directly arose from issues we face as women with TS- in the workplace, in our relationships and in our medical treatment. While there are common experiences we do not all deal with the issues we face in the same way or necessarily agree with the way other women may deal with the same problem.
Indeed there have been a number of memorable occasions when there has been some rather heated debate. Women with TS are a diverse lot with different life experiences such as education, work, relationships, politics and religion. We all have a wide variety of personalities with some of us being more gregarious and socially outgoing than others.
For me the most memorable occasion where a discussion went awry was at a group meet up a few years ago. In the middle of a busy high street two women got into a heated discussion about TS politics (see below) followed by a discussion on the highly sensitive topic of genetics and gender identity. I got incredibly upset with both women for holding this conversation in the middle of the street and started to cry (I was also upset after my break up with Gabriel).
There is also an additional issue when meeting up when meeting as a group that it forces you to reflect upon issues that are often painful to deal with. Hearing others’ stories about what issues they have to deal with can be draining and occasionally uncomfortable. Seeing so many other women with TS can also be overwhelming for some women. This is particularly true if they are having issues dealing with TS.
However on most occasions when I have got to a meeting of women with TS, it has generally been a positive experience with women showing respect and courtesy to one another. I know from discussions I have had with women in another group of TS friends that it is not all sweetness and light!
Then we come to the vexed topic of the situation with the two UK support groups that deal with TS. Lucy and I have a particular set of experiences which mean we have one outlook on the split which occurred ten years ago. However several other women have completely the opposite outlook. There is a woman whom I have enormous respect for and love but I do feel as though she is putting myself and others under pressure to be involved with a particular group. I have tried to explain my reasons for why I feel unable to be involved. I also challenged another woman (on the occasion mentioned above) about what Lucy and I felt was a lack of support and loyalty during the split of the two national groups. Perhaps this matter was better not brought up after seven years, and I should have been more sensitive to the issues and pressures that the woman faces.
I appreciate that no situation is ever black or white and women in the group have different sets of experiences and indeed loyalties. For this reason I try and avoid the whole topic! However I don’t think it is any accident that of the women with TS outside of London and the South East of the UK that I am closest to do not have very strong feelings on the topic.
There is also the sensitive subject of how far the common bond of having TS means that you will be able to sustain a friendship. This works both ways. There are women that I tried to befriend that were clearly not that interested. I am also guilty of not being as supportive of some of my TS friends as I could be.
There needs to be some common ground besides TS. You need to have some shared outlooks. That is not to say you have to completely agree! For example, one of my dearest TS friends have almost completely the opposite political and social outlook to me. But I have a more profound respect for her and a deeper friendship with her than I have for many of my friends (both TS and non TS) who share my political outlook.
I recall a couple of very awkward weekends I spent visiting a woman and her husband about seven years ago. I was being placed under pressure to go on holiday with them which would have been a very bad idea! The woman was incredibly sweet but the only thing we had in common was TS. This was not enough to build a friendship on. In the end I cut off contact as I felt unable to explain this.
I know that I am as guilty of being prone to make demands on my TS friends as anyone and as prone to allowing personal insecurities affect my friendships. I will say I find it painful to deal with rejection by other women with TS. I know from discussions with my TS friends that criticism or perceived criticism from other woman with TS can be difficult to deal with.
I admit that I have handled certain situations badly. There was a woman with TS who I was close friends with several years ago. We could meet regularly as we worked near each other. However the woman got a job nearer to where she lived and we gradually drifted apart. I ended up leaving an indignant message on her phone once which was not understanding of me. We are still vaguely in contact and I still think the world of her. I hope she knows this. I have also said things to some of my friends which I regret and not extended the understanding on certain occasions that I should have done.
In the end my TS friends are like any group of people brought together by circumstance. Some will get along, others will not. Sometimes you make unexpected connections, sometimes you don’t connect with someone you thought you would. Friendship takes a lot of hard work and give and take. There are going to be occasional issues. It is important however to place these in context and realise how much my friends with TS bring to my life.
Indeed there have been a number of memorable occasions when there has been some rather heated debate. Women with TS are a diverse lot with different life experiences such as education, work, relationships, politics and religion. We all have a wide variety of personalities with some of us being more gregarious and socially outgoing than others.
For me the most memorable occasion where a discussion went awry was at a group meet up a few years ago. In the middle of a busy high street two women got into a heated discussion about TS politics (see below) followed by a discussion on the highly sensitive topic of genetics and gender identity. I got incredibly upset with both women for holding this conversation in the middle of the street and started to cry (I was also upset after my break up with Gabriel).
There is also an additional issue when meeting up when meeting as a group that it forces you to reflect upon issues that are often painful to deal with. Hearing others’ stories about what issues they have to deal with can be draining and occasionally uncomfortable. Seeing so many other women with TS can also be overwhelming for some women. This is particularly true if they are having issues dealing with TS.
However on most occasions when I have got to a meeting of women with TS, it has generally been a positive experience with women showing respect and courtesy to one another. I know from discussions I have had with women in another group of TS friends that it is not all sweetness and light!
Then we come to the vexed topic of the situation with the two UK support groups that deal with TS. Lucy and I have a particular set of experiences which mean we have one outlook on the split which occurred ten years ago. However several other women have completely the opposite outlook. There is a woman whom I have enormous respect for and love but I do feel as though she is putting myself and others under pressure to be involved with a particular group. I have tried to explain my reasons for why I feel unable to be involved. I also challenged another woman (on the occasion mentioned above) about what Lucy and I felt was a lack of support and loyalty during the split of the two national groups. Perhaps this matter was better not brought up after seven years, and I should have been more sensitive to the issues and pressures that the woman faces.
I appreciate that no situation is ever black or white and women in the group have different sets of experiences and indeed loyalties. For this reason I try and avoid the whole topic! However I don’t think it is any accident that of the women with TS outside of London and the South East of the UK that I am closest to do not have very strong feelings on the topic.
There is also the sensitive subject of how far the common bond of having TS means that you will be able to sustain a friendship. This works both ways. There are women that I tried to befriend that were clearly not that interested. I am also guilty of not being as supportive of some of my TS friends as I could be.
There needs to be some common ground besides TS. You need to have some shared outlooks. That is not to say you have to completely agree! For example, one of my dearest TS friends have almost completely the opposite political and social outlook to me. But I have a more profound respect for her and a deeper friendship with her than I have for many of my friends (both TS and non TS) who share my political outlook.
I recall a couple of very awkward weekends I spent visiting a woman and her husband about seven years ago. I was being placed under pressure to go on holiday with them which would have been a very bad idea! The woman was incredibly sweet but the only thing we had in common was TS. This was not enough to build a friendship on. In the end I cut off contact as I felt unable to explain this.
I know that I am as guilty of being prone to make demands on my TS friends as anyone and as prone to allowing personal insecurities affect my friendships. I will say I find it painful to deal with rejection by other women with TS. I know from discussions with my TS friends that criticism or perceived criticism from other woman with TS can be difficult to deal with.
I admit that I have handled certain situations badly. There was a woman with TS who I was close friends with several years ago. We could meet regularly as we worked near each other. However the woman got a job nearer to where she lived and we gradually drifted apart. I ended up leaving an indignant message on her phone once which was not understanding of me. We are still vaguely in contact and I still think the world of her. I hope she knows this. I have also said things to some of my friends which I regret and not extended the understanding on certain occasions that I should have done.
In the end my TS friends are like any group of people brought together by circumstance. Some will get along, others will not. Sometimes you make unexpected connections, sometimes you don’t connect with someone you thought you would. Friendship takes a lot of hard work and give and take. There are going to be occasional issues. It is important however to place these in context and realise how much my friends with TS bring to my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)