It was the last Christmas I went back to my parents by myself. I had been back for Christmas with Lionel about three years previously (I don’t know who was more wary, me or him). We had been together almost three years so I told him we were not putting off any longer. Particularly as we had spent the last two Christmases with his family. It was a bit of a contrast. Not up the standard he was used to. After that we agreed we would spend Christmas separately with our respective families then spend New year together. I had spent the previous Christmas with Lionel with some of our friends – that had turned out well (he says sarcastically). I knew that there would be no more Christmases with Lionel and no matter how awkward they had been I could not help feel a sense of regret.
After all, wasn’t it I who ended it? About three months later we agreed to have one of those free and frank discussions about the state of our relationship. No screaming or accusations but I told him that we were not in the place I thought we should be and it was better to quietly accept it and move on (especially after the events of Christmas had confirmed he was involved with Ray ). He did not take it well but I packed my things and moved out a few days later. I was not entirely surprised to hear that he was officially dating Ray a few weeks later (not that in truth I had minded all that much for what it was worth). Lionel never really understood I was not mad at all about any of it- perhaps that annoyed him. Ray’s husband Pete was absolutely fuming about it all when I met him for coffee. I felt for the guy even though he wasn’t someone I had a huge amount in common with (apart from the fact our respective partners going off together).
Now I realise from what I said earlier Lionel must have come off as a snob. He really wasn’t. He had a far wider selection of friends than me and had an ability to get on with anyone and enjoy himself in any situation. That was one of the things I found attractive in him. Perhaps it was actually me thinking that by pulling a man from his background I was bettering myself. I don’t like thinking of myself as some type of social climber but hey- if the glove fits. Lionel possibly understood this and it was almost touching that he wanted to help me along the way. He certainly never mentioned it to me let alone reproach me. He knew I was always moving forward . But he wanted to stand still, perhaps because the place he was in was more than comfortable enough. Perhaps that is why it worked out with Matthew and myself. Matthew is on his own journey.
Besides Lionel always loved that he could indulge in the campier side of Christmas with me without judgement. We would sing ‘Last Christmas’ together and watch ‘Love actually ‘ to have a good laugh at it. He never really got to enjoy the campier side of Christmas as a young person like I did . He said he always had this feeling about George Michael and how he had a crush on him as a teenager. Lionel always did have good gaydar. I could not help but him deeply attractive when he would sing Wham songs at the top of his voice (even if he had a terrible singing voice).
Mum and Dad still had the same tree they had for the previous twenty years and the same ornaments they had for decades. They even give me the same gift each year (an aftershave I used to like). I of course smile and accept gratefully (me and Lionel did have a good laugh privately about it). I was missing joking with him more than anything that day. I had missed joking with him for long time. The first time I took him to meet Mum and Dad I wondered what he made of them. But know I wonder what they had made of him. At least I can say he was his usual charming self and never gave the impression he was uncomfortable. Again I had to admire him for that.
If this was a Hollywood film I suppose I would be a character who had some big realisation about the importance of family and home and I would end up getting together with my long lost childhood story. Well that is not my story. I am not about to apologise for the person I am or the fact I moved away from all of this. I am not ashamed I earn a great wage or focus on my career. If I ever came back to live in Dublin I would not move back here! No if I do I am getting a place in Blackrock. Not apologising for that ever. Not prepared to be ‘the only gay in the village’. As I said I always needed to move forward.
Lionel was always intrigued by Dublin (Matthew is as well but in a more innocent and open way) and he insisted we go to midnight mass that Christmas we were together along with going for a bracing morning walk along the beach on Christmas morning. We wrote silly messages in the sand. I had my revenge when I dragged him to the service at his family’s local church and we went on the Christmas morning walk along the Kent country lanes the next year which was his family tradition. Actually had quite a good chat with his father on that walk. He was impressed by my knowledge of French literature and wine. Nice chap. Actually quite miss him and Lionel’s mum.
At 8am on Christmas morning I got a text from Lionel – ‘Wishing you and yours a good Christmas. All the best-L’. I texted back wishing him something similar. I wondered if he remembered last Christmas morning and the strained atmosphere. I knew he and Ray had only been together a few months before they realised there was no real basis to the relationship than finding out there was life beyond the respective long term relationships they had both unconsciously been trying to escape. I just hoped Lionel did not follow up this Christmas greeting with another request to give things another try. He did not which was as good a Christmas gift I ever got from him.
After helping Mum prepare some of the vegetables and Turkey I took myself of for a walk along the beach. Had to have a bit of time by myself. Of course I was the only person there by myself. I looked at the families and couples and did not feel envious or even sad. I remembered sending Lionel a photo of the sea one Christmas I was here while we were together. It was strange the things I recalled and would miss. The colour of the winter sand reminded me of his hair (did I actually text that to him? – sometimes I am very capable of being maudlin)
Aidan, my brother, would be joining us later. Sinead, my sister, was spending the day with her family. I feel bad that it has been left to Sinead to carry on the family line. She does get pretty annoyed with me at times which is more than fair enough. Aidan for his own reasons was unlikely to ever find someone to settle down with. Poor guy- at least I had never any issues finding companionship.
I joked with Dad had he got Aidan’s wine gums for him. Bit of a Christmas tradition. I could actually see them wrapped up under the tree along with my aftershave. Truly sometimes family traditions can be as relied on as anything else to mark and anchor you. Truly my Mum and dad are two of the most reliable and decent people I know. They don’t always understand me but they at least try. What a strange son I must have seemed to them at times.
I always knew when it was better to move on. I suppose I am not one for unhelpful sentimental attachments holding you in the past. It was like that with Lionel. After all It was me who got us to face up to things and cut the chord. Did I really want to do it? I don’t know… I was 37 with no sign that my boyfriend of almost six years who I had been living with for almost four years was remotely interested in committing to me seriously. I am not that unsentimental.
I met Matthew at that New Years Party. He could not have been more different from Lionel- in every way. He is just as handsome in a very different way. Rather than winter sand his hair is the colour of a Christmas pine. While he is a few years younger than Lionel it is strange to reflect how mature and at peace with himself he is. Did not think that I would not just have met someone but be engaged within twelve months. We can never see No more Christmases visiting by myself after that. We even managed to arrange a Christmas where his mum and my folks together this last Christmas.
Did I ever forsee that in the space of three Christmases the tides that would carry one love away and bring another
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