Lock down

They were locked down yet again. Third time this week. Not that they got much time out of the cell anyway.

Jim guessed that Alex had been put in the same cell as him because they were around the same age. They did not reckon on how much Alex would wind him up, how much he wanted to yell at him.

Jim had to regrets about punching that man’s lights out, even if it meant landing up here. It was one thing he could do for Gina as a father, goodness knows he had not much good for much else in the last few years. Nobody was going to knock his girl about while he was around. He could at least take pride that whatever was going on with him had never lead him to hurt Miranda, Sandra and Gina. He may have been moody and had to distance himself from them to protect them but he had not hurt them. They had all been there when he was sentenced and had visited him a couple of times. Sandra wanted him to move in with him and Colin and the kids when he got out. He appreciated the offer but no way was he going to burden her with his issues.

After all what sort of a life did he have outside anyway? At least he knew where he would be for the next few month , knew what was expected of him. He also didn’t mind the privations or even the bad food – he was used it (and at least he knew he would get a meal). And much as he hated being locked in a cell it gave him a bit of time to think. He had never had that- he had always been having to react to situations. He was certainly better equipped than Alex for prison life. Jim would like to see him deal with some of the conditions he had to deal with in the army. He could laugh at the look of disgust on Alex’s face most meal times.

He had tried to be a good man. He went into the army at age seventeen because he genuinely wanted to do something positive rather than sit around on his arse on the dole. He enjoyed the discipline and structure. Prison was very like those early days in the Army in some ways. He married Miranda after he got back from Iraq in 1992. Sandra arrived a year later and Gina three years later. Jim knew he got lucky with Miranda. Miranda had settled into life as an army wife easily enough, never minded the moving around or long absences. Jim was always grateful for that. It was life after he had left the army that proved more difficult.

He got wound up every morning by Alex going through his routine. What a vain man with his moisturizers and hair products (when he could get them). Alex would come out with some line about keeping up standards. Jim could laugh at the ridiculousness. He wanted to scoff every time he saw Alex brushing his (greying) blonde locks. This was not the type of place where you wanted to appear soft. But soft was exactly what Alex was.

Not that Jim necessarily disapproved of taking care of your appearance. He had done so for years – neat and ordered appearance had been vital. He had tried to keep up appearances (in more ways than one) since leaving the army but now sported a beard and clumsy ponytail. Funny how he now resembled the type of person he used to scoff at. There was something in that.

Outside the storm rages. Voices raised. Too many people in here. Each one carrying their own issues. All clashing, all in pain.

Jim had served in both the Gulf Wars. Neither had exactly been exactly a picnic. Still he got through both. Managed to rise through the ranks and become someone who could be depended on. Almost twenty five years service. He had left the army with an honourable discharge. He always though was a strange phrase.

Alex had been safe at university while Jim had been in the middle of a conflict zone. Had established himself as a GP in a nice suburban practice. He had been a successful man. Had a nice big house, nice car, nice wife and family. Obviously that was all over, all gone in one fell swoop. Struck off as a Doctor, nice wife had requested separation and sold nice car so no returning to nice house. No wonder he couldn’t stop whimpering. Jim had seen Alex’s wife when she came to visit that one time. Quite a looker but not really his sort. Came to ask Alex for a formal separation. Jim was grateful he had gotten the whole business of divorce sorted years ago. Good to at least be able to be friends with Miranda. Her freedom had been the only thing he had that he could give her by that point. She was happy enough with her new man. Fair enough.

Jim knew the term for what was wrong with him. Four letters. He knew all the statistics. He wasn’t a fool. He had seen where he had been heading the last ten years. The flashbacks, the panic attacks, the sudden anger.

Jim also knew what Alex was the minute he saw him. He recognised the signs. He had seen enough people with drug problems while he was in hostels to know to recognise a drug addict. For all his neat and tidy appearance Alex bore the marks of addiction- addiction that had lead him here. He had been helping himself to prescription drugs for years. It was a surprise he could function at all with what his intake eventually became. He was receiving treatment while in prison. Fair play to him. Didn’t make his withdrawal symptoms any less easy to be around

But what was Alex’s excuse? What had happened to him? Jim had once asked him directly (on an occasion when Alex had been more than usually annoying). Well Alex told him and Jim wished he had never asked. Don’t ask someone to tell you their deepest secret if you are not prepared to hear.

Alex was trying to read up and researching his options for when he was released. Typical swot. Jim couldn’t even begin to think what he would do. He had quite liked gardening. Possibly that was something he would pursue. Yes, that would be nice.

Jim had tried a bit of security work after leaving the army. But his mind was too fractured by this point. He couldn’t provide a home or keep a job. Strange how everything fell apart. It had almost been a relief. Suppose it was time to turn things around

The disturbance outside is getting worse. The angry winds of too little space, too little freedom whirl round.

Alex began moaning and crying in his sleep. Oh God, not again. Jim longed to yell out too but somehow he didn’t. He wanted to punch that door down, throw something against the wall. Suddenly the inner scream within him filled the room.

Alex climbed out of his bunk and lay on Jim’s. He placed his arms around Jim. He did not have to say anything. He held him firm and tight letting him know that he was secure and safe. Jim placed his arms around Alex and stroked his head. Jim had never realised that reaching out to another person in pain answered and helped heal his own. That compassion and gentleness could well inside of him instead of anger. The storm may rage outside but in here there was a strange peace. Jim knew Alex would hold him close until those winds abated.

Dawn was breaking outside. A kind of order was being restored by the prison authorities. Soon both his and Alex’s sentences would be served. What would happen afterwards? All Jim knew is that Alex and him had a pact they would rent a flat together (Alex had a bit of money to do this). They would support each other as they each tried to make a new life. No Jim did not regret landing up in prison at this point. He had found the truest friend he ever would.